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From the Book of Dumbass: 24:7

This Week In Chicago Whatever

The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Danny impregnates Police Chief Boynton. One of the K-9 officers gets into the evidence locker and eats all the hashish. There's a birthday party in the break room for Wayne.

Chicago Med

Dr. Donovan confronts Alice about the prank liver. The nursing staff is delighted when Serena proposes working down to a luxurious 12 hour shift. A hilarious outbreak of meningitis clears the top floor.

Chicago Fire

Tammy and Walter pause their argument to help with a four-alarm fire. Fire Marshall Andretti eats Sammo's kim chee again. A building collapses in the warehouse district but nobody hears it.

More Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones and his staff of writers continue to litter the mediasphere with their outlandish wacko conspiracies, and their dumb target audience is still eating it up. Here are the latest unverified news "stories" that they're working on:

• The show "Ted Lasso" is a tool planted by FIFA to make Americans like soccer and therefore bow to the globalist, freedom-hating Saudis

• Those ziploc bags that you carry goldfish home in from Petsmart? NOT ZIPLOC BRAND

• Whenever you see a "®" symbol next to a company's logo, that means they vote Republican. Sweet!

• Any rumor that Ben Shapiro is the son of Alex Jones is both stupid and probably untrue.

• Pop up stores are temporary recruiting centers for Wiccans. Spirit of Halloween stores, especially.

• If you don't eat the bowl-you-can-eat in a taco salad, the kitchen can legally re-serve it to the next patron.

Upcoming YouTube Stars To Watch Out For

YouTube Star: M🐢NKY

Number of Followers: 56,904,255

Channel: Reaction videos of people doing amazing things like PARKING!

YouTube Star: KoomBatz

Number of Followers: 3,841,282

Channel: Prank videos where Koombatz predicts things happen but they don't. HILARIOUS!

YouTube Star: Krrrrrrrrrrla

Number of Followers: 567,355,632,116

Channel: Shocking videos where she reacts to amazing things like people paying bills and doing things for themselves.

YouTube Star: Gaslighter✉✉✉29✉✉✉

Number of Followers: 823,582,444

Channel: Gaslighter✉✉✉29✉✉✉ features crazy shit you can't handle. LIKE AUTOMATIC DOORS AND ESCALATORS. BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!

YouTube Star: Especial Dingus

Number of Followers: 5,435,936,233,943,121

Channel: Mostly shots of him trying to clean his desktop. Sometimes games.

YouTube Star: VALEREE🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔VAL

Number of Followers: 567,355,632,116

Channel: VALEREE🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔VAL tackles brain busters like mazes from children's placemats and Middle East peace talks

YouTube Star: DumbassMillennial

Number of Followers: 40,559,624,328,636,024

Channel: DumbassMillennial doesn't make commentary so much as make enthusiastic grunts whenever something he sees confuses him.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Describe The Nuclear Triad

"The Nuclear Triad?... Uh... Ah... Okay, I know this... Ahh... shit... That's the... uh, way to describe a nation's nuclear capabilities in war... OUCH!... Ah man... Like it's three things, right? Like, uh... ah... the nuclear missile systems and.... ah, nuclear subs, and ah... ahh... uh... the... um, nuclear bombs dropped from aircraft, right? Right?... Ah.... ah... I thought so... yeah..." *blacks out*

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

More Terrible Taglines For A Movie We All Forgot About (Or Never Heard Of To Begin With)

Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Write A Vince's Uncle Roberto EADJ Entry

1) Find a multi-step instructional text–ANY text– to get started. Include the intro if you can.

2) Copy and paste that shit into your blog entry. Don't forget to include the requisite Uncle Roberto photo ("Drive4.jpg").

3) Add a snide comment by Uncle Roberto that's about him driving a limo but tangentially related to the lesson given.

4) Hit "post."

And speaking of "post," when leaving the limo, please don't hit a road sign with the door. That scratches the heck out of the doors and is very expensive to buff out. Exit safely, kids.

What Is This... Traveling?

Picture above, more proof that Facebook is populated by morons.

The ProofrEADJer, August Edition

The EADJ Crappinema Presents The Casino Job

Let me start off by warning you that this review might be a wee tad shorter than other Crappinema write-ups, mainly because the DVD to this movie had been damaged after being tossed about in the K-Mart cutout bin. The disc caused the movie to crash and skip entire key scenes throughout its viewing. And no, one of those "DVD Scratch Repair Kits" wouldn't help, either.

"The Casino Job" is the story of four attractive women Jennifer, Amber, Paradise and Torri (and their boyfriends) who pull off a huge heist in a Vegas casino using only the power of their boobs and their feminine wiles. Which includes boobs. Witty dialogue? No. Magnificent scenic vistas? Nope. Boobs? HEY, BUDDY, YOU'RE IN LUCK!!!!

The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Her: Shit! That's a waste of two days.

Him: He's out. No pun intended.

Him: So what do you got going on for the next 12 hours?

Her: Why?

Him: Cuz, I think maybe you could come over for a little while.

Her: And do what?

Him: Well, I was just… you could just…

Her: How about… twenty minutes of foreplay, followed by some hard sweaty fucking… I'll start by getting down on my knees and taking off your pants…

H

im: (removing his sunglasses) Shut up. Just shut up.

(She looks confused)

Him: You had me at hard sweaty fucking.

(they kiss stupidly)

Well, shit. This was a formatting nightmare.

Overall grade: F

Still, tits.