Infowars Presents More Conspiracy Stories That Only Their Dumb Listeners Will Believe

The brilliant writers and Alex Jones are working tirelessly to bring their viewers and listeners all the latest nutjob bullshit. Here are some stories they're working on:

• American Girl Place is run by Al Qaeda operatives who use dolls to indoctrinate American families with pro-multicultural, globalist propaganda

• McDonald's Grimace shakes were made from toxic runoff from Salvadorian plastic factories, the same factories that made your mom's sex toys

• Invisible, noiseless drones are responsible for making every tree shed leaves in America. The drones are all controlled by Zach Galifianakis in a bunker somewhere

• Car washes offer free pine tree air fresheners because they secretly have listening chips to monitor your drive-thru preferences to sell to marketers

• There used to be a letter in the alphabet between G and H but it was suppressed by the Korean-American community because it resembled their symbol for "control"

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Floated by InfoWars

Alex Jones, his toupee, and his group of talented writers are all working on the next batch of news stories conspiracy theories for their listeners. Here are the latest:

• The government is creating a national "postal service" where they will have government agents deliver mail TO YOUR HOME.

• Shrinky Dinks, when baked in the oven, released toxic chemicals into your kitchen to make you vote Democrat

• Taco Bell Cinnamon Crispas weren't a real Mexican dessert item. THEY WERE INVENTED BY PEPSICO

• Our staff did some research after listening to The Boomtown Rats and found out Boomtown does not exist, so those rats lied about where they're from

• In the Highlights Magazine segment "Goofus & Gallant", it turns out GOOFUS was the good guy all along!!!!!

• When you get a cramp in your leg while taking a shit, that's just Jesus saying "wassup" to you

Unintentional Exquisite Corpse

Spotted on reddit, a pair of thumbnails that create a creature with two heads and four legs:

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Describe The Nuclear Triad

"The Nuclear Triad?... Uh... Ah... Okay, I know this... Ahh... shit... That's the... uh, way to describe a nation's nuclear capabilities in war... OUCH!... Ah man... Like it's three things, right? Like, uh... ah... the nuclear missile systems and.... ah, nuclear subs, and ah... ahh... uh... the... um, nuclear bombs dropped from aircraft, right? Right?... Ah.... ah... I thought so... yeah..." *blacks out*

Where Does "Gooby" Sit In The EADJ Crappinuum?

(Click to enlarge)

Okay, "Gooby," sucked worse than "Da Station," but of course it somehow didn't suck as hard as "Somewhere Tomorrow," starring Sarah Jessica Parker. I think the reason for this is that the "Gooby" filmmakers were truly attempting to create something enjoyable but didn't have the talent to do it, whereas those who made "Somewhere Tomorrow" wanted to create a thriller but were too lazy to figure out how the story would play out and tacked on a stupid surprise ending.

I know. We could split frayed teddy bear butt hairs here all day, but the big takeaway here is that "Gooby" sucked. Bad. And being a movie geared for kids is no excuse to suck.

Meanwhilst At Pathmarkst,

a.k.a., the Stockboy Hall of Shame. And actually, this time it isn't Pathmark- it's Target. And it's quite the Easter Egg hunt!


















And here's what you get when you put a Dunkin Donuts inside a Home Depot: