Today We Critique A DoorDasher's Photography

 I just got notice that some food was delivered:

The accompanying photo:

It might be a good time to examine the DoorDasher's work here:

DoorDasher "Miguel" has done something extraordinary here– he's managed to feature two main focal points(the mailbox and the food) that instead of fight each other create a harmonic balance.

Beyond the basic functional photographic proof of the food being delivered and the inclusion of my home address number, Miguel proves to be a master of composition, tension, and drama.

Aware of the "rule of thirds" in photography, Miguel has masterfully placed the Burger King bag right on the  lower third horizontal line. He's made good use of the edge of the table, creating a diagonal that points toward the mailbox to direct your eye. Also, either by design or serendipity, the vine and plant branches behind all converge back toward the DoorDash food, continuing the endless visual loop.

Grade: A+++

A masterpiece of DoorDasher photography. Perhaps its finest example yet.

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness, Week of August 20

Just in case you had never heard the first 6000 times he's mentioned it: 50 Cent once got shot. I think my mother knows this already. 

Hey, look. The ultimate YES album cover/sports car dorm poster.

And the award for Most Literal Album Cover goes to...

I honestly don't know where to begin here. I just didn't realize guys still shaved stripes into their eyebrows. I thought that went the way of Vanilla Ice in "Cool As Ice."

Here's the thing- if you don't call ahead and tell the front desk you want an EARLY CHECK-IN, you're going to be left waiting in the lobby like a plebe.

FKA twigs decided to really go for that booger at the next stop light.

"Hello? Do you know how to use Photoshop? No? Okay."

I can't tell if this is supposed to be that "James Bond" tunnel or if these two assholes are stuck in a clothesdryer.

I'm not a guns expert, but "all I know" is that a semiautomatic weapon doesn't need a scope on it.

The "KISS" font. The literal interpretation of a Jimi Hendrix lyric. I like it!

Jesus rolled dice for your sins?

N⚭.

The EADJ Pun Cops: Paul Blart Edition

(Directed by Steve Carr)

Hey folks. Paul Blart, Mall Cop here. Just patrolling and canvassing the Burlington Mall from the Orange Julius to the JC Penney, making sure your retail experience is safe and drug-free.

What's that?! I hear a commotion over by Perfumania! To the Segway!

 

"Better latte than never." Well, that's not really a C48 violation, per se. More like just lazy writing- latte doesn't even rhyme with late. I'm letting them off with a stern warning…OUCH! I just stubbed my toe on this planter! Now my pants fell down!

Wait! I spot something over at the daycare center across the street!

Awww. "O-'fish'-ally." The quotes around the word "fish" really make this a darling, acceptable pun. And just look at the terrific colors on that display! I can't get mad at this… OWWWW! I just walked into a streetlamp! Now my pants fell down and I lost my gun!

Oh, look. Something over at the supermarket next door. Better investigate.

"Instore?" Is that even a pun? That's not even a real word! Stop & Shop needs to hire a proofreader. Either that or start hiring people with high school diplomas… GAAAHHHH! I just walked into a steak knife display, and now my intestines are pouring out, and my pants fell down! Hoo boy!

Onward.

Now THIS is a bad pun! Yes, finally! Uber, you are in clear violation of Mall Code 34.7. This is a terrible pun! I'm going to enjoy hauling you to the Mall Police Headqu… AAAAAHHHHH! I just slipped on a puddle of ice cream and landed head-first between an 80-year-old woman's boobs! And she's lactating! AAAAAAHHHHH! My pants fell down!

Sir, excuse me, sir? Do you mind coming with me? Where are you from? Appleton, Wisconsin? That's Green Bay Packer country, right? Well, that might explain your AWFUL SHIRT with a deplorable pun and an old reference from "The Office." Very fresh. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the ma…GAAAHHHHH! I just stepped into a vat of hot chili! Now I've scalded my legs up to my thigh, and my pants somehow fell down OUTSIDE of the vat of hot chili! Who put this vat of chili by the fountain, anyway? So unsafe.

Oh man. I think I'm going to hyperventilate. This is such an amazingly bad pun. Can't breathe. I'm going to have to lie down next to the edge of this railing hanging over the fireworks kiosk. That feels better. I can just lie here for a couple of minutes and… WHOOAAAAAAAAAHHH IIIIII'MMMMM FAAAAAALLLLLLIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!

(Directed by Steve Carr)

Lugging Support

Pictured below, a sure sign of waning support for the conflict in Iraq: suburban women at malls are no longer willing to pay a premium for designer luggage that inexplicably emulates the military's 'digital camouflage' pattern.

Happy Three-Days-After-Earth Day!

Joel spent Three-Days-After-Earth-Day reminding people to eat all of their dick, so as not to waste.

He placed a two-page spread ad in Los Angeles Confidential Magazine (the April issue with Courteney Cox on the cover looking like a lion) extolling the virtues of eating dick versus burning coal. He even got an a cherry picker crane and pointed at a rising chart like Al Gore did in that buddy cop movie.

"Burning coal is polluting the air faster than cancer, Mallobars and tin combined," Joel muttered incoherently, "My very eager mother just served us nine pickles."

When reminded that Pluto was no longer considered a planet, Joel replied, "My very eager mother just served us nilla wafers."

When told that there was no planet that started with the letter W, Joel took his pants off and showed the googly eyes he had glued to his testicles.