Sound Advice From a Random Cardboard Box

Pretty good advice overall, for any situation.

Very Odd Banners

 Two adjacent banners for the same product, except one is forming the Avengers Initiative.

More Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones and his staff of writers continue to litter the mediasphere with their outlandish wacko conspiracies, and their dumb target audience is still eating it up. Here are the latest unverified news "stories" that they're working on:

• The show "Ted Lasso" is a tool planted by FIFA to make Americans like soccer and therefore bow to the globalist, freedom-hating Saudis

• Those ziploc bags that you carry goldfish home in from Petsmart? NOT ZIPLOC BRAND

• Whenever you see a "®" symbol next to a company's logo, that means they vote Republican. Sweet!

• Any rumor that Ben Shapiro is the son of Alex Jones is both stupid and probably untrue.

• Pop up stores are temporary recruiting centers for Wiccans. Spirit of Halloween stores, especially.

• If you don't eat the bowl-you-can-eat in a taco salad, the kitchen can legally re-serve it to the next patron.

UAG

Kid Slide Was Panicked.

Kid Slide was panicked.

Wall Plug envied his brother's beard.

Tile Wall was apathetic.

FIFA Logo was screaming as he melted.

Cloud was !

Squidward was depressed.

Schoolbus Headlight's eyes hurt.

Neighbor's Door envied his brother's Van Dyck.

Group Chat icon was just sad.

More Fake Taglines For A Real Movie Whose Premise Shows They Never Took It Seriously In The First Place

An Abomination Of A Different Kind

In a previous post, we introduced you to our Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, featuring a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

Last weekend in a hobby store, we happened upon another, completely different kind of abomination:

Look. It's a "Cool Collecting Barbie," which in itself has been labeled a "collectible."

So what does it collect, exactly? When you open the box does it collect itself? Does it seal itself back in the box to preserve its collectibility? Or does it collect other collectible Barbies to create a new Supercollectible? IS THIS THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE?????

Next Stop, LOBSTERFEST®

The following unedited, uncorrected Lobsterfest entry was written after drinking about 8 "Dark & Stormy" cocktails and some expensive scotch on the rocks at a hotel bar in Toronto, which I have to admit knocked me off my dick:

You hire Benny Hinn, aka Sir Elton John, to change the lyrics of his classic hit "Crocodile Rock" to something about "Lobster Rock." All proceeds of the food sold will go to Princess Di's children- who are grown already- instead of to the B-52s who could have used the money. Life is a grand, unfair Lobsterfest.

Five fists in, you gather yourself and forget about all your troubles about dragons or vomit or whatever and MAKE YOURSELF SEE.

Luggage tags. Now that's a thematic, surprising way to ejoy lobster at the Lobsterfest at Lobsterfest®!

An OSX Update on your computer contains an .EXE file which turns out to be digitized pieces of real lobster meat. When you update your computer to OS X Version 10.8.6 ("Lobster") your desktop background changes to a bright red and nothing fucking works, and the only way to unlock your new brick of a laptop is to scream the word "lobster" into the built-in microphone. That doesn't seem like a complicated way at all to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, does it? Oh yeah, no free wi-fi here.

If I were a betting man, I'd put money down on some property currently occupied by the local Crab Shack. In time, through intimidation and the cruel hand of market forces, the owners of the Crab Shack would be forced to close down. I would then swoop in, purchase the property under their struggling feet, and set up an illegal lobster stand with two folding tables and a kettle. Now fuck you, that would sell some cocksucking lobster at cocksucking Lobsterfest circle R and Red Lobster.

Let's Marinade The EADJ Mail Sack In Balsamic Vinegar!

Submitted by Andrew Gall via MSM, "Pun B:"

EADJ NEWS REPORT: WE HAVE CONTACT!!!

(AP) Two EADJ agents received a communication via email at 12:09 pm Eastern Time (ET) from who appears to be Jerald Johnson himself. This was the message (some names have been xxx'd out for their protection) :

----------

David,

The Legend Lives. I cooked Knockwurst, Saurerkruat, and Potatoes a few days ago.

A buddy name Lxxxxx told me about WAYN (where are you now) and I believe other friends including Pastor Xxxxx Xxxxx are a part of this. Its a website for those like me who travel and want to know more information about the places we are traveling to.

Free lunch sounds good!

Regards,
Jerald


-----Original Message-----
From: David Estoye
To: Tom Weingard ; Justin Hxxxxx
Cc: Txxxxx ; Jerald Johnson
Sent: Wed, 25 Jun 2008 11:20 am
Subject: Re: Jerald found!

Where can we get bratwursts and Kronenberg?

----------

Electronic handwriting analysts and IT specialists are currently checking the authenticity of this letter, since it could be some sort of prank or joke which would break our hearts. Stay tuned for the latest developments to EADJ, America's #1 source for Jerald news and updates.