A Captcha

A lot of people mistake dogs who are panting with "smiling". You should know that, Captcha people. You have dogs, don't you? Some of these dogs may be desperately hot, and instead you think they're A-OK?

You know what? Maybe I won't be downloading this illegal copy of "Bullet Train" from you after all.

Remember Always Your End, and That Lost Time Does Not Pathmark.

Okay, CVS, A Few Things...

When I'm purchasing feminine hygiene products or sanitary protection, I need your coupons to be worded CORRECTLY and CLEARLY, otherwise you're sending me on a fool's errand. What's the $5 about?

Secondly, "expires 07/01/2013?" Like, don't I have at least a month before you force me to spend this coupon? It's not like my vagina is bleeding right now.

Thirdly, could you be wasting more paper with your four-yard-long receipts? Stop deforesting the world and leave some trees for the feminine hygiene and sanitary protection companies. Jeez, greedy.

What Is This... Traveling?

Picture above, more proof that Facebook is populated by morons.

Two Facebook Messages

To Eva Cunningham: No thanks. I'm pretty sure you're a pornstar/spammer. Fuck off.

To Katie Holmes: Hi. It's nice to see you're back on the market. It must have been a really emotional, difficult divorce. But glad to see you back on your feet, ready to meet new people. But no thanks. I'm married already.

EADJ Presents: How To Eat Green

A lot of people these days are wondering, "how can I still enjoy dining out while still protecting the environment?" No, actually nobody is thinking that except people with OCD and Rosie O' Donnell. Anyways, here are some helpful ways of how you can eat at restaurants but still keep your carbon footprint to a minimum:

• Tell the girl at McDonald's not to wrap your Quarter Pounder in paper and to instead serve it to you from the small of her back.

• Opt for tap water instead of bottled water. And savor the deliciously pathetic look of disappointment in the waiters' faces when you do.

• If you're ordering tater skins at TGI Fridays, could you save some for me?

• Many fine restaurants whiten their tablecloths and napkins using bleach and chemicals that are bad for the environment. Torch those places.

• When ordering food at a diner, ask the waitress if her establishment has "gone green." Study the expression on her face carefully.

• The restaurant Captain D's uses caustic fluorocarbons in their catfish filets that deplete the ozone layer. I'd order the tilapia instead.

• Save your unused paper napkins and utensils so you can slip them into parked cars whose windows were left open a little bit.

• You'll be happy to know that the guys at Subway wash their hands with biodegradable soap before picking their ass and then making your meatball sub.

• If possible, take actress Eva Green out with you to dinner. Maybe you'll get this joke.

• Ask your maitre 'D to stop his earth-killing ways.

• Smith and Wollensky offers a steak that doesn't contribute to releasing methane into the atmosphere. It's called a salad.

• Save paper by not asking for the check.

EADJ Presents: How To Green A Business

As businesses continue to go greener in order to make customers think they give a shit about the environment, EADJ has compiled a few tips for business owners so that they too can go green:

• Make double-sided copies of your ass instead of single-sided.

• If a business meeting is within walking distance, take a nice walk there instead of calling in drunk.

• Lots of companies have gone paperless with their sexual harassment complaints. You should do that, too, Sugar Tits.

• Turn off lights when they're not in use. Since your business is pretty much failing, it's probably better to just turn everything off.

• When someone sends you an email that at the bottom tells you to "reconsider the environment when printing this email," print it out TWICE, show it to them, and tell them to suck it.

• If she is available, you should hire actress Eva Green as a receptionist. Not only is her last name 'green,' but you can totally see her bush in the movie "The Dreamers."

• Think twice before letting millions of gallons of oil leak into the Gulf of Mexico, permanently damaging the ecosystem and generally being a defiant, unapologetic prick about the whole thing (BP only).

• Compact fluorescent bulbs use about 75% less energy than a traditional incandescent bulb and lasts at least 6 times longer. They'll probably be around longer than even you, Mister Shows-Up-At-10:30.

• Styrofoam is no longer acceptable packing material for packages. Try ham.

• They say Eileen's insufferable "Ei-Day" daily newsletters was a waste of paper and told her to stop. Thank God for that.

• Used coffee grounds from the break room can be recycled as fresh coffee grounds for the interns' break room.

• Using a digital projector during presentations spends an awful lot of electricity. Try keeping your slides to a maximum of one.

• Unplug your computer when in use.

• Try biking to work instead of taking the train or driving. This should increase your commute by about six hours a day!

• When tossing your personal assistant's salad, take a minute to think about what you can do to save the environment.

• Energy, unfortunately, is not equal to time. So you still have to attend all those status meetings.

• Quit your job. Join a commune. Grow hashish and just fucking be.

An Open Letter to Hummer H2 Owners

Dear Hummer H2 Owner:

Ha ha. So now what, bitch? You shelled out $35K for a big honking super-SUV status symbol a few years ago, and now you're feeling regret? Awesome.

Sure, you knew it would look "commanding" in front of the P.F. Chang's and the Blockbuster Video when you'd double park it during your errands. PLUS you knew beforehand that Hummers only have like 11 MPG. But it was worth the gas money to look "boss" for the "ladies," right?

Buuut, you didn't count on gas getting this expensive. Or society going all green. And now GM's own Kelton Research study says that "at a party, 80% of US car buyers would rather chat up the owner of a fuel-efficient car than someone with a fancy new sports car." So even women at parties don't think you're cool.


Oh, you say no big deal, that you already make plenty of money to offset the $128+ it takes to fill your tank? And those girls at the party were skanks anyway? Hey, that's exactly the standard numbnutted douchebag response we were expecting!

So enjoy your three-ton brick, pal. Maybe you can just fill it with Gatorade now and push it around like a sports bottle. Or fill it with vinegar so you can douche, you douche.

Fuck your mother,
Eat a Dick Joel

Hang in there, Rick.

Above, Rick tries to concept but the mean man in the big TV won't let him.