UAG

UPDATE FROM QUORA: Sand is usually not a material that should be used in cat litter because it's more likely to get tracked outside than clumping-type materials, but it also depends on how often your cat uses the litter box.

Whoops!

From a Job I Was Applying For

Can I commute?

Don’t Walk Behind Me, I May Not Lead. Don’t Walk In Front of Me, I May Not Follow. Just Walk Beside Me and Be My Pathmark

This is an especially short one because I haven't been to a Pathmark in over a year because of the pandemic. These were submitted by Emily Kane:

Happy Friday the 13th From Eat A Dick Joel!

May all your dreams come true!

Upcoming YouTube Stars To Watch Out For

YouTube Star: M🐢NKY

Number of Followers: 56,904,255

Channel: Reaction videos of people doing amazing things like PARKING!

YouTube Star: KoomBatz

Number of Followers: 3,841,282

Channel: Prank videos where Koombatz predicts things happen but they don't. HILARIOUS!

YouTube Star: Krrrrrrrrrrla

Number of Followers: 567,355,632,116

Channel: Shocking videos where she reacts to amazing things like people paying bills and doing things for themselves.

YouTube Star: Gaslighter✉✉✉29✉✉✉

Number of Followers: 823,582,444

Channel: Gaslighter✉✉✉29✉✉✉ features crazy shit you can't handle. LIKE AUTOMATIC DOORS AND ESCALATORS. BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!

YouTube Star: Especial Dingus

Number of Followers: 5,435,936,233,943,121

Channel: Mostly shots of him trying to clean his desktop. Sometimes games.

YouTube Star: VALEREE🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔VAL

Number of Followers: 567,355,632,116

Channel: VALEREE🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔VAL tackles brain busters like mazes from children's placemats and Middle East peace talks

YouTube Star: DumbassMillennial

Number of Followers: 40,559,624,328,636,024

Channel: DumbassMillennial doesn't make commentary so much as make enthusiastic grunts whenever something he sees confuses him.

Not A New Regular Segment: The EADJ Children's Book Korner

Today we review the children's book "Drive That Truck," a brazen, cynical move by Tonka to sell more plastic trucks and bulldozers. The artwork is subpar. The story is nonexistent. But the characters are more fleshed out than any Nicolas Sparks novel. Boom!

Overall grade: F

An Imagined Conversation Monologue

Hey what you want. Egg and bacon sandwich? Okay, here. Three dollar.

Okay, you. What you want. Coffee and muffin? Here. Two fifty. Cream and sugar over there.

Hey what you want. Bagel? We got plain, sesame, garlic, jalapeño-cheddar, onion, everything, cinnamon raisin, chocolate chip, poppy, blueberry, egg, salt, pumpernickel, whole wheat, cheddar, multi-grain, rye, honey whole-wheat everything. Onion bagel? Okay.

What you want on your onion bagel. Cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, and honey almond.

Oh, you want it toasted? Okay (removes cream cheese). Okay, it's toasted. You want cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, lox and honey almond.

No, lox is not the cream cheese flavor. Lox is lox. You want cream cheese and lox? What flavor cream cheese? We got reduced fat plain, garlic & herb, strawberry, tijuana hot, vegetable, scallion, and honey almond.

Okay, toasted onion bagel with vegetable cream cheese and lox. Three dollar.

What? You want six more bagels? Ah, fuck this shit. NO MORE BAGELS.

Don't Look Now, But...

What the? How did this happen? Some possible theories:

Marshall at age 29 creates a time machine and travels 30 years into the future, so he can finally dine at the 5th Avenue Diner in Brooklyn.

Marshall was so smitten by Jeanette's handling of RFP's at Cramer-Krasselt that he is stalking her, trying to woo her back to his agency. Also, he donned a Davy Crockett coonskin cap.

Ever see Sam Shepard's "Fool For Love" with Harry Dean Stanton as a bigamist who has another wife in another town? Like that, but with a coonskin cap.

Marshall, a big swinger in the seventies, slept with Marsha Touhy while visiting New York. Marsha Touhy decided to keep the baby and raise him to be everything his hippie father was not: a more upstanding, more responsible human being. Also, she buys him a coonskin cap.

That's probably some young guy who resembles Marshall a lot but doesn't have any real connection to him in any way. But what fun is that.

Scientists in Finland have successfully cloned a Marshall Ross. They have uploaded the new clone with the latest fighting techniques, a chip in the brain that stores terabytes of defense secrets, a coonskin cap, and a bionic leg that can kick a hole in a trash can. But they have not taught the clone how to love...Clone of Love, starring Sandra Bullock and Jeremy Piven as Marshall.


Do you have any theories?

J'Net Goes To Blockbuster

J'Net's tumultuous on-and-off relationship with Blockbuster was rekindled Friday evening when she decided to rent a movie for a lack of anything better to do. It was rainy outside and there were no new theatre releases that J'Net really wanted to see outside of "The Hills Have Eyes 2." So what the hey, Blockbuster, right.

The memory of her past experience with the Kinko's-like chain-ness and cocksuckery of Blockbuster had faded for some reason, and with a vague sense of optimism she entered the store. Awaiting her, a bright blue and yellow pigfuck.

Right off the bat, the unisex bathroom was locked, so choosing a movie already meant dealing with a full bladder. Hassle!

The New Releases walls were already bare at 9pm. The only offerings left were "American Pie 4: The Date-Rape Games" and a redundant Truman Capote movie starring Sandra Bullock as the Catherine Keener character.

After scouring the shelves for something half watchable, she found "A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints." Hassle over, right? Wrong. What awaited her was this monstrosity of a sign:


"Busy busy busy. Where the hell are you supposed to look?" she muttered to the Puerto Rican teenager on the phone in front of her in line.


And what did catch J'Net's eye didn't make any sense. A banner that announced "It's Easy. Try it FREE" explained in 43 steps how to check out a movie online via Blockbuster Total Access. "Let me get this straight. You go online, then get the movie, then you mail it back, then you go to the store, THEN you enjoy it? What. The. Fuck." You can only imagine how livid J'Net was. Hell, I saw it. The last time she was this outraged was when the waitress at the diner refilled her coffee cup only twice in 45 minutes.

1st and Joel. On the Dick Yard Line.

Joel had a yard sale today.

Some of the items sold:

Leaky bean bag chair
86 Hummels
Somebody's polyp in a jar
Mötley Crüe Mirror from a state fair
A dirty 38DD bra
4 Fandango paper sack puppets
Nancy Grace 12" action figure
Green Day "Dookie" album
2-month old Bangladesh baby
various "Just Shoot Me" memorabilia
rickets

Joel counted his money at about 1 pm and found he had made $66.24. That's enough for him to buy at least 4 dicks to eat for dinner! Way to go, Joel!

(pictured above, what I thought was a rerun of a crappy old Sandra Bullock movie turns out to be a trailer for a brand new crappy Sandra Bullock movie)