It's Time Once Again For "Where Are They Now?"

Baltimore Orioles catcher Berry Ticker announced his retirement after taking his team to the playoffs five times and won the American League East in 2020. He plans to run a handmade furniture store in his hometown of Ottumwa, Iowa.

Bitcoin billionaire Chilg Bibim Nangmyung was recently spotted pushing a broom outside a strip mall in Dover, New Hampshire.

After saying goodbye to seven seasons of her show on Nickelodeon, child pop star Cascara Latte has emerged with an all new, "bad girl" look and a new dance album that takes on more grown up themes, such as vaping and living with roommates on your own.

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

Okay, Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Hi gang-

As you all are painfully aware, Donovan quit last week. I do realize that it left the rest of us with pretty heavy workloads to make up for it, and I appreciate you all pitching in to help out.

That being said, the new assignments you took on have job numbers, meaning you have to fill in the appropriate hours so that we can bill the clients and get paid to run off to Vegas.

Please use these job numbers when filling out your timesheets (due at EOD TODAY!!!!):


83295 - Erasing "Brazzers" from your browser history

33023 - Telling Donna "what's up"

91662a - Finding the goddamned White Out

91662b - Explaining to others what White Out is

055409 - Farting in the break room so that the burnt microwave popcorn hides the smell

47478 - Conference call with 98º's manager re: reunion tour

73700 - Wondering why they still keep reams of ledger paper around

29174 - Saying 'hey' to the boss in the bathroom even though you know he's taking a shit

88835 - Ordering breadsticks

18434 - Linking In with the cleaning lady

73737 - Imagining a ninja coming in to slaughter everyone in your status meeting

62406 - Forgetting you hit "print" on a 245-page Powerpoint

21282 - Opening the dirty bathroom door with your foot like a pussy

24042 - Longing for Rita even though she's engaged

38565 - Standing back and admiring your giant Skeletor made of Post-Its

That Mirror Returns

I was watching the independent movie "Catfish," when I came across a familiar looking mirror:


Now, this looked pretty similar to a crappy clock mirror that I found in my new house, and at a sushi place near my parent's house.


Not to mention a crappy mirror I spotted in the movie "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans."


What does it all mean? Is it some odd coincidence that I've noticed this mirror so many times? Is it some cosmic joke the universe is playing on me? Is that mirror somehow following me after I had thrown it away? Shit if I know, man. That mirror's still ugly, whatever the answer is.