UAG

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"So why do they call you Armstrong? Is it because of the arm?"

"Oh, hump me like a dachshund, Reginald!"

"Stop! Hitting! Me! I'm! The! Mascot! Idiot!"

"Sorry, but the Coke machine is broken again. But I can sell you a few warm cans of Coke that we have stashed behind the desk. Tell you what- instead of 75¢ each, I'll sell you them for a quarter each for your trouble. Sound good? Great. NOW DIE!!! MUHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA"

"This again? We're naked and stranded?"

"Yep. (yawn)"

"Wow, you're still alive in 2017?"

"I know, right?"

"Do you think anyone will wander into this thinking it's another Avengers movie?"

"Wait, this isn't one? Oh. That explains the piddly paycheck."

The EADJ Crappinema Reluctantly Posts A Review of "Secret Agent Club," starring Hulk Hogan

Oh dear. "Secret Agent Club" isn't even Hulk Hogan's first foray into kid-friendly fare- he had already appeared in 1991's "Suburban Commando" and 1993's "Mr. Nanny." So he either loves working with kids or hates even numbers. Billed as "True Lies" meets "Home Alone," the 1996 film "Secret Agent Club" is more accurately described as "An Icepick To The Taint" meets "Getting Audited." How bad is it? I would rather watch all thirty Wrestlemania specials with lampreys attached to my nuts than endure this movie a second time. Truth.

Editor's note: To help spice up this Crappinema, I took the liberty of peppering this write-up with some goofy Hulk Hogan gifs. Collect all 8 for a chance to win a Secret Agent Club beach towel not really!

This is the actual, verbatim dialogue between Mr. Yamata and Jeremy in this scene:

Mr. Yamata: When your Mama die, very hard on your Papa. You think he not miss her as much as you? 

Jeremy: He was never home, anyway. He was always off at some stupid toy convention. He wasn't even home when she died.

Mr. Yamata: Jeremy, he needs you now.

Jeremy: I don't think so.

Mr. Yamata: Well, you think again. He has no one else.

Overall grade: F