Bush Was Bothered

Bush was bothered.

Carry On Luggage was outraged.

Upside Down Parking Space Car thought it was hilarious.

Electric Mower was not impressed.

Cement Mixer Nozzle continued being EVIL. 💀

UAG

Yet Another Candidate Falls Short

Earlier today, another submission was brought to our attention in the hope that it could be included in the vaunted "Blackberry Exhibit." Unfortunately, it is just another failed attempt to piggyback on the artistic glory of a modern masterpiece.

Here's a breakdown of the submission– who we've dubbed "Trevor"– and why it ultimately did not qualify:

1) Trevor is indeed on a handheld device, thus satisfying the first requirement.

2) Upon closer inspection, however, it does appear that Trevor's facial expression is not the standard "sturgeon face" but instead small pursed "duck lips."

3) Although thematically aligned with the subject matter and despite its obvious addition to demographic diversity, Trevor is the latest in a long string of rejections. The celebrated octych remains.

"The Blackberry Face: A Season Of Delights" will be on display soon at the main pavilion in Norway's Lillehammer Art Museum starting July 15. Admission for members is 25 krone, general public 60 krone. Children under 10 are not permitted to come within 30 meters of the art piece as it is priceless. Armed guards will tranquilize any violators on sight.

:C

And Now For the FIFA World Cup Update by Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might recall, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

---------- Forwarded by ernie : Luisa Chua

Fire Prevention!



House Fires!

Received from a friend who is in the property Insurance business. It
is well worth reading. This is One of those emails that if you didn't
send it, rest assured someone on your list will suffer for not reading
it. The original message was written by a lady whose brother and his
wife learned a hard lesson this past week.

Their house burned down and there was nothing left but ashes. They have good
insurance so the house will be replaced and most of the contents. That
is the good news. However, they were sick when they found out the
cause of the fire. The insurance investigator sifted through the ashes
for several hours. He had the cause of the fire traced to the master
bathroom. He asked her sister-in-law What she had plugged in the
bathroom. She listed the normal things....curling iron, blow dryer. He
kept saying to her, "No, this would be something that would
disintegrate at high temperatures". Then her sister-in-law remembered
she had a Glade Plug-In, in the bathroom.

The investigator had one of those "Aha" moments. He said that was the
cause of the fire. He said he has seen more house fires started with
the plug-in type room fresheners than anything else. He said the
plastic they are made from is THIN plastic. He also said that in every
case there was nothing left to prove that it even existed.
When the investigator looked in the wall plug, the two prongs left
from the plug-in were still in there. Her sister-in-law had one of the
plug-ins that had a small night light built in it. She said she had
noticed that the light would dim and then finally go out. She would
walk into the bathroom a few hours later, and the light would be back
on again. The investigator said that the unit was getting too hot, and
would dim and go out rather than just blow the light bulb. Once it
cooled down it would come back on.

That is a warning sign . The investigator said he personally wouldn't
have any type of plug in fragrance device anywhere in his house. He
has seen too many places that have been burned down due to them.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK NOT ONLY COULD IT
SAVE SOMEONE'S HOUSE, BUT IT COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE!

>>>>>>>>>

you gotta read this... lol............... 

Trying to flush . .

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

---

Bring words and photos together (easily) with
PhotoMail - it's free and works with your Yahoo! Mail.

A Post-Labor Day Wrap-Up, Presented By Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

--------------------------------

FWD: Bob Hope in Heaven

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
 
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.

And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
downhill'..

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

And here's a special Back To School message for students from Cement Bird II, who also communicates only through crappy FWD emails:

When a male can't stand it anymore!

Priceless shot...

A photographer will die of old age

waiting to get another shot like this one.

PRICELESS!

TAKE THE NETZERO CHALLENGE! Call 1.888.798.4442 to learn more!

A Happy Mother's Day Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

 

 

I did not check the accuracy of this posting. It is however worth knowing.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Three women in North Florida turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma.

Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant (Olive Garden) within days of their deaths. The Health Department descended on the restaurant , shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail..

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check.

She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat .

Under the seat, out of normal view , was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up at a hospital emergency room.Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home.He did NOT visit (Olive Garden), while there. He did (as did all of the other victims) have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .

The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata)spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be any where in the world .

So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life!

Please pass this on to everyone you care about.

A Brief Commentary By Cement Bird On The News Of Republican Nominee Newt Gingrich Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

---

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and u sed it as a
mirror while he picked his
nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 

FWD: DOGS ARE WONDERFUL BECAUSE...

 

 

THIS IS WONDERFUL.   GREAT PICTURES AND GREAT ADVICE.

Give me a sense of

humour;

Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humour out of life,

and to the person receiving thisthe grace to pass it on to others.

=

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