Meanwhile, At The Gaslight Restaurant...

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Yes?"

"I ordered the fish fritters, but you brought me the chicken strips."

"No, you ordered the chicken strips."

"Um, no. I remember ordering the fish fritters. Because I wanted to try it."

"Where'd you get a crazy idea like that? I wrote down 'chicken strips' when you ordered it. Why are you making things up now?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I'm very busy here. I have lots of other tables to wait on, so don't be so selfish and try to lie about ordering fish fritters when it's OBVIOUS you ordered the chicken strips, for Christ's sake. You ORDERED THE CHICKEN STRIPS, OKAY?"

"Uh, okay."

"Enjoy your meal!"

 

Emily RANTS, or... Wait, What Was This Segment Called Again? Oh, Yeah. EMILY VENTS 4

Editor's Note: Emily has plenty of opportunity to be outraged about anything else going on in the world but has opted to continue picking apart Potbelly's Instagram feed, as is her absolute right. 

Jingle jingle, here comes the shittiest snowman you’ve ever seen, so no, I’ll pass.  The face is pants-on-head retarded including that wet piece of industrial brown paper towel featured as “backwoods learning disability hair.” #justfuckmyshitup 

“What if we were to style the soup so that it would simulate drinking pubes?”  “I got this, fam.” At least when you eventually put your wet earmuffs back on you won’t be able to hear any more terrible copy. 

This one continues to make me particularly angry.  Hey, here’s some wadded up paper bags with a cookie haphazardly glued on (not for human consumption).  Oh and hey – I included some coffee grounds in a filter because with this thoughtful gift, I’m clearly staying for breakfast.  You don’t even need to know what I look like.  #anon

Happy Valentines Day, from your favorite scissoring sandwiches. 

Oh cool, guys.  A 45-billion old dino patty.  Dry cracks and all.  Do you have a pamphlet in case I need more tiny pieces of skin hanging from the roof of my mouth?  Snicker-Don’t. 

5 second rule.

Met your true love with the Trash ‘n Coffee Grounds Bouquet?  Now join your life with your one and only with our Sweaty Outdoor Wedding Meat Bouquets.  Adult Nuptials Diaper not included. 

Shameless equity stealing from a polar opposite day of social cause.  #missingthepointentirely (thanks, Estoye)

And here is some Bonus Content for both of you E.V. readers: A profile of Potbelly's Social Media Director, Sharon Tubbs! (authored by Emily Kane)

Sharon Tubbs

VP, Social Media Content Specialist, Potbelly Corporation

Sharon joined the Potbelly team in 2014, brought on by the need to define a voice and visual style for Potbelly in the social media space that reflects core Potbelly values and is flexible enough to be continually topical to the Facebook community year round.  Her Potbelly content pillars New-New, Education, Food Personification, Current Events and Distinctive Styling have inspired messaging streams that have significantly increased engagement, affinity and acquisition measures since implemented.  Her “Bag Bouquet” post in February 2017 gained particular traction among the online audience, and she’s particularly well known for her social post verbiage puns which she implements with discretion as part of her Surprise & Delight messaging strategy.

Sharon came to Potbelly after 9 years with Dress Barn (Ascena Retail Group, Inc.), where she successfully launched the brand’s first website in 2006.  Prior to that, Sharon held the position as Innovation Design Director for Broderbund’s ClickArt division, expanding their portfolio of boxed DVD offerings via Holiday and Christian collections. Both launches increased HH penetration by way of broadened consumer relevancy.

On a more personal note, Sharon has a long-term seat on the board of directors for the Save the Manatee Club and has a running side project on etsy that offers more conservative bachelorette party products for sale.  Sharon works from home in Orlando, FL with her budgie “Chirps” and her two ferrets, “Randy” and “Simon.”  

UAG

This Is An Entry Involving Playbills

If you're like me and frequent the theatre, you often come home with a Playbill in your pocket- a lovely souvenir program of the delightful live presentation that you just enjoyed that evening.


If you open any Playbill, you'll likely see an ad for the Ultimate Playbill Binder. That way you can save all your Playbills in a handsome leather album that would sit on your bookshelf for your maid to dust every week.


Or, if you'd like, you can bring out the binder when company is around to brag to them that you had seen both "Mamma Mia" and "Rock Of Ages" in the same month. Then, when your friend is put off by how much you brag about your stupid Playbills and storms out, the irony won't hit you that your bookshelf doesn't have any photo albums of friends and instead has rows and rows of useless Playbill albums.

***UNFORTUNATE UPDATE***

Well, apparently we already did this entry. Sorry folks!

What A Wedding DJ Would Say If He Somehow Showed Up To the Gig With Nothing To Play But The Cannibal Corpse CD "Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony"

"Uh, Janet and Craig? Ha ha. Hey listen, uh, congratulations first of all, and secondly, uh, I hate to be the bringer of bad news at this time, but I seem to have forgotten to load up any music onto my laptop or in my crates in my rush to get here on time. And I realize the reception will be starting in ten minutes.

"Yeah, I don't have any music. None. Just this one CD that my nephew Josh left in the van two days ago– 'Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony' by this band called Cannibal Corpse. Josh really likes that band. You could say he's going through 'a phase,' ha ha ha.

"But listen... this is not a bad thing. All that planning of tracks and intros that we made over the last four months? I think I can pull it off with this one CD. Believe me, folks. I'm pretty good in a pinch. I really believe I can make this work. They don't call me 'The Jazzy Jeff of Poughkeepsie' for nothing! Ha ha ha.

"No, look. It will be okay, really, Janet. For example, during the cocktail hour, instead of playing old standards by Sinatra and Duke Ellington, I've been playing the track 'Vomit The Soul (Live)' on a loop for the past hour. The live track's crowd noise seems to have kept a certain energy going, as you can see- almost everyone has scrambled to the bar on the far end of the banquet hall. So it's working, see?

"Okay, so for when your bridal party comes out, instead of playing 'That's What Friends Are For,' we're going with 'Unleashing The Bloodthirsty.' Then when the parents come out, I'm going to play Cannibal Corpse's cover of the Metallica song 'No Remorse.' To show they don't regret you two marrying, see? Ha ha ha.

"Okay, Janet, I see you're getting really upset, but I assure you both, I've thought this all through for the last 20 minutes, and I've figured it all out. Relax.

"For the Father-daughter dance, I thought the track 'A Skull Full Of Maggots' could work. No, Janet? You're right- the melody is probably too uptempo for a waltz... Tell you what- we'll go with 'Hammer Smashed Face' instead.

"Of corpse...Whoops! Freudian slip there, ha ha!" Of course I've also thought of the Groom-and-Mother dance. Craig, you and your mother will dance to 'Stripped Raped And Strangled.'

"Now for the smaller details: the bouquet tossing event, which was going to use that Beyonce track 'Single Ladies,' will instead be accompanied with 'I Will Kill You.' And for the racy removing-the-bride's-garter portion, we'll be going with 'Meathook Sodomy.' I was thinking, the cake cutting ceremony would be great with Cannibal Corpse's 'Fucked With A Knife.'

"And since I have you both here, I was wondering if you could pay me the balance of $200 for my services? I know now's not the perfect time, but I know how busy you're going to be tonight, right? Ha ha."

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

Click to enlarge. Cuz I'm sure as hell not going to type all that again.