Let's Turn a Jeans Sales Display Into Sequential Storytelling!

I was bored at the Levi's Store while my sons were shopping, and I spotted four posters on one wall and figured, What if that was somehow a comic strip-style story?

Here's a close up of the posters. And here we go:

Toby was feeling pretty happy and carefree.

But then his needy sister Charlotte stopped him and they started wondering what they were going to do for dinner.

Toby realized they didn't have any money.

But luckily their friend Cade had a roll of quarters and they ate Funyuns from the vending machine!

The end. I didn't say it was a good sequential story.

The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's wildly successful Stubs membership program has ushered in (get it?) thousands of new moviegoers, enticing them with valuable perks and bonuses.

Here are the latest new rewards you can enjoy if you join now:

• If the fire alarm goes off, you don't have to leave the theatre and can finish the movie

• When any couple kisses on screen, you are allowed to shout, "GROSS!" as loud as you can.

• Free refills of Dr. Pepper fountain drink with disgusting vanilla and lime flavor added

• If you are seated at the front row during a horror movie, you can request that the people sitting behind you stand in front of you during the scary parts

• Free popcorn bucket with hole at the bottom (Mickey Roarke in Diner only)

• Free pair of 3D glasses even for movies that aren't in 3D just so you can pretend, ya jackass

• Premium seating away from the urine puddle

More New Perks For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

The AMC Stubs Rewards program continues to dominate all other moviegoing rewards programs at AMC, thanks to its growing list of benefits and perks. Here now are the latest rewards you can expect as a member:

• If your age is a prime number, you get a nerd handjob in the theatre

• Free Reese's Sticks for every 3 times you watch "Killers of the Flower Moon"

• Shots? Shots! We're getting shots, bitch!

• VIP seating at the upcoming Machine Gun Kelly film retrospective

• Advance screenings of Maria Menounos pre-show bullshit

• Free prostate exams during "Asteroid City"

• Instead of close captions for the hearing impaired, our assistant manager will yell all the dialogue in your ear

• Popcorn bucket with Mickey Rourke's dick in it

Dear Poster Designer For the 2022 Movie "Medieval" Directed by Petr Jákl

Hey. You're not fooling anybody, mister. The fact that you flopped the image, cropped out more of the legs, and put a mace or whatever in his other hand doesn't detract from the unavoidable fact that this is a direct copy of the 2000 poster for Ridley Scott's "Gladiator". I mean, steal from the best, right? But jeez. Maybe copy yourself after a movie that didn't win 12 Oscars and is considered the 94th greatest film of all time.

Who knows. Maybe this obscure movie from the Czech Republic is actually comparable or better than Gladiator. Do any of you readers want to check it out for us? Please?

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Oh God. I feel so exposed. Where are my gloves?"

"You know, Chad, I think we've all taken this intramural game a little too far. Maybe it's time to for us to just take a step ba.... GOAL!!!! WE JUST SCORED ON YOU, CHAD! EAT IT!"

"I said certified copy / seven days a week / wet-ass pussy / make that pull-out game weak"

"Eww. Someone got their DNA all over the BLOODLINE. Gross!"

"Alexa, is it a full moon tonight?"

"In a way, yes."

"Boo."

THE END

"What? No one here likes the J. Geils Band anymore?"

"Jesus. You pull over to pee just for five minutes in Georgia and suddenly have to deal with psycho rednecks."

Zack Snyder Adapts Various Stories From Highlights Magazine's "6 by Six" Hidden Pictures Section

Director Zack Snyder has been known to make gritty, dark adaptations of beloved comic properties, and why should Highlights be any different? Here are the latest projects of his in development:

"A Short Lunch"

Greg Panda and his son enjoy some bamboo-dogs in the park before murdering a panhandler who gets too aggressive.

"Back 8"

Daisy Mouse and her college boyfriend Trent play a game of miniature golf before realizing the golf ball was their dean's eyeball, yanked from his dead skull by some violent meth addicts.

"Today We Build"

Sal Sparrow and his crew complete a bird housing development, only to discover they had angered the spirits of the indigenous population that was displaced. They each die a horrible death.

"Uncle & Me On The Sea"

Scott Snail and his Uncle Stu charter a boat miles off shore until Stu reveals Scott's father robbed him of all his life savings in a gambling scheme. The water is saltwater, which is deadly for snails, and Stu pushes Scott right in as revenge.

"Catch Pups"

Donnie Dog and Terri Terrier play unnecessarily lingering, slow motion catch with a frisbee. The movie is 3 hours long.

"Away We Go"

Two unnamed elephants die from oxygen deprivation when their hot air balloon drifts too high in the mountains. Badass techno soundtrack.

Hey, Even More Perks Of Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because the only ones that do are inconsiderate assholes who text and talk and throw shit on the floor like it's their goddamn fucking living room. But those brave souls who still pay box office prices for the theatre experience can also be AMC Stubs Rewards members, now with these new positive perks:

• Free name tag on your shirt spelled in cursive with nacho cheese

• Complimentary lice consultation after sitting in our seats

• If your mom calls, we'll tell her you're too busy getting laid, wink wink

• Free parking lot 5 miles away with a $10 shuttle ride to the theatre

• Free giant Gummi dong that you'll never finish during the movie and will have to take home and explain to your wife

• We will sit behind you and throw popcorn in your hair, just like in high school

• Complimentary "view vest" which is branded with the AMC logo but doesn't do a damn thing except turn you into a walking advertisement

• If you have large knockers, we will be sure to compliment you on them

Some Feature Movies Based On Gumball Machine Signs

It is common knowledge that Hollywood has run out of ideas. Reboots, prequels, sequels, and reimaginings of existing properties have been exhausted, forcing the major studios to scour every last inch of the country for something, anything to put in theaters. And recently, they have found a treasure trove of script ideas from some gumball machines at a northbound Maryland rest stop. Here are the feature films you can expect in theaters soon:

"Lucky Lucky Me!" starring Ed Helms, Rose Byrne and Jack Black

Three childhood friends make a pact to share the winnings from a lottery ticket if one of them ever wins. 30 years later, the driftless loser (Jack Black) hits the $10 billion jackpot, now pursued relentlessly by the other two. Directed by Seth Rogan.

"Mega Blast" starring Gaten Matarazzo, Lawrence Fishburne, Nolan Gould, and Tessa Thompson.

Some kids at space camp learn that their math skills are needed when an earthbound meteor threatens to collide with the planet and end all life. Also starring Michelle Trachtenberg as the mathletes' tutor.

"Bananarama" starring Benicio Del Toro, Naya Rivera, and Benjamin "Lil' P-Nut" Flores, Jr.

Some researchers in the deepest jungles of Colombia discover some mutated bananas that cause wild, hilarious hallucinations. They decide to market them as candy to children in an effort to bring capitalism to its knees. Directed by Patty Jenkins.

"Chewy Spree: A Star Wars Story" starring Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels, and Sofia Coppola.

This standalone adventure follows Chewbacca and C-3PO as they navigate the lush shopping markets of Canto Bight to find a jewel to gift Princess Leia. Directed by George Lucas.

"Cry Baby Guts" starring Amber Heard, Kumail Nanjiani, Winston Duke, and Dolly Parton.

A pediatric hospital is exposed to a nearby toxic waste dump, creating hordes of angry zombie babies who will stop at nothing to suck at a warm teat. Directed by Adam Wingard.

"Hi-Bouncing Balls" featuring the voices of James Deen, Sasha Grey, Ron Jeremy, Stoya, and Peter North.

This pornographic animated film is the story of a pair of basketball player's testicles who want more out of life. Like pussy and ass. Directed by Stormy Daniels and Brad Bird.

"SquishLand" starring Millie Bobby Brown, Jonah Hill, and Kiki Layne.

This gross-out adventure comedy is little more than a series of shots of people stepping on gooey animals. Pretty stupid, really. Directed by James Corden.

Some All New Benefits That Come With An AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC has updated their rewards program so that current and new members can enjoy even more at their next trip to the theatre! Members, show your Stubs Rewards card, fob, or ankle bracelet to collect these new awesome rewards:

• Any movie that stars Kevin Spacey is now free

• Free Netflix membership for some reason

• Permission to use the fire exit to go out for a smoke and come back

• Jerry the manager will guess your bra size by handling your tits

• Free charger for your phone (2012 Kyocera Hydro C5170 model only)

• Flu shot for only $2

• Extra four pairs of 3D glasses if you're a spider

• Free racial sensitivity seminar

• AMC Stubs Movie Pants for people with diarrhea

• Ability to vote in 4 states simultaneously in all elections

• Free kidney in every jumbo soda

• Free oral sex for the deaf

• Free 3-day old Edible Arrangement

Some Regular Words That Could Easily Be The Name For An All Male Revue

Any of the following words and phrases could be written on a white board outside a male strip club and patrons wouldn't bat an eye. Here are some very feasible (and available!) names for all male revues:

Magic Eraser
Manscape
Mail Drop
Musselwhite
Saks Fifth Avenue
Outback Steakhouse
Bulgaria
BD Wong
Dickinson College
Sweat Bees
Manchuria
Dongle Connector
Meet The Press
Macho Brace
Muscovites
Bosu Balls
Butch Goring
Butt Dial
Chest of Drawers

More Fake Taglines For Tragically, A Real Movie

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters

Editor's Note: Feel free to read all of these with Morgan Freeman's voice in mind. Not like you have a choice.

"So she's related to those country music Judds. Why isn't she in the group, too? I wonder if she's acting because she can't sing..."

"These pen-lights that they're shining on our faces is basically the most light I've seen shooting this dang film."

"Can spider's bite through beards? Hope not."

"An action/disaster film starring Christian Slater? The joke's on you, viewing public!"

"Maybe if I can get her to hum a few bars of something, I could tell if she's off pitch or the like."

"This is one fucked up version of 'The Brady Bunch' opening credits."

"Glasses. They don't make me look distinguished. They make me look like I've falling asleep reading Parade Magazine. Come on, now."