As God is My Witness, I'll Never Be Pathmark Again.

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Spraychel For President

The makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Spray have launched a new ad campaign revealing Spraychel, a peppy young Cartoon-American who is now running for President.

Spraychel campaign workers, however, have already characterized her as a domineering bitch who micromanages and fires at a whim. More on this developing story later.

Tom Investigates.

Give that man a Jade Mollusk Award!

A Thought Process That No One Will Have

"Hey, there's that guy Jared from those Subway commercials! I recognize him! But wait, there's something oddly different about him in this ad. Something's not...Oh, I KNOW! HE'S GOT A MILK MOUSTACHE!! Just like a lot of other well-known personalities have done, Jared's gotten into a Got Milk ad! So this isn't a Subway ad at all, but a Got Milk ad! What an amazing twist in advertising! I know that Jared lost a lot of weight from eating those hoagies or whatever, because Subway is all about being healthier than the other fast food places. So I guess by association and his endorsement, Jared's telling me that milk is also a great way to lose weight! I get it! But isn't whole milk kind of bad for you with its fat content and all?...No WAIT! He's holding a container of LOWFAT MILK! Good show, Jared! So a container of Shamrock Farms would perfectly complement a 12 inch Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwich (only 12 grams of fat) from Subway! Huzzah, I say, Huzzah! Well played Jared Fogle, you never fail to inspire me with your story of weight loss! Godspeed, my good sir, and I hope to see you again on Subway's television commercials!"

Happy New Dick!

We at EADJ hope you had a good New Year's Eve at home, moodily eating whole cans of Pringles and arguing with your Mom about which channel to watch the big ball drop. Salut!

J'Net Goes To Blockbuster

J'Net's tumultuous on-and-off relationship with Blockbuster was rekindled Friday evening when she decided to rent a movie for a lack of anything better to do. It was rainy outside and there were no new theatre releases that J'Net really wanted to see outside of "The Hills Have Eyes 2." So what the hey, Blockbuster, right.

The memory of her past experience with the Kinko's-like chain-ness and cocksuckery of Blockbuster had faded for some reason, and with a vague sense of optimism she entered the store. Awaiting her, a bright blue and yellow pigfuck.

Right off the bat, the unisex bathroom was locked, so choosing a movie already meant dealing with a full bladder. Hassle!

The New Releases walls were already bare at 9pm. The only offerings left were "American Pie 4: The Date-Rape Games" and a redundant Truman Capote movie starring Sandra Bullock as the Catherine Keener character.

After scouring the shelves for something half watchable, she found "A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints." Hassle over, right? Wrong. What awaited her was this monstrosity of a sign:


"Busy busy busy. Where the hell are you supposed to look?" she muttered to the Puerto Rican teenager on the phone in front of her in line.


And what did catch J'Net's eye didn't make any sense. A banner that announced "It's Easy. Try it FREE" explained in 43 steps how to check out a movie online via Blockbuster Total Access. "Let me get this straight. You go online, then get the movie, then you mail it back, then you go to the store, THEN you enjoy it? What. The. Fuck." You can only imagine how livid J'Net was. Hell, I saw it. The last time she was this outraged was when the waitress at the diner refilled her coffee cup only twice in 45 minutes.