We Keep Saying Goodbye To Things That Need Saying Goodbye To

 

Goodbye! Goodbye!👋 Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Feature Films To Be Released Based on Characters On the Side of a Burger King Bag

Now creatively bankrupt for years, Hollywood continues to scrape every corner of the globe for some idea, any idea to build a movie off of. Here are the latest movie pitches based on the side of a BK bag that the movie studios are scrapping over:

"Hamburger" starring Rebel Wilson.

Attitude, hold the pickle! Rebel Wilson bursts with flavor in this ribald comedy about two rival burger joints that will do ANYTHING to serve up her spicy brand of sass. Also starring Danny Pudi as the branch manager.

"Fries" starring Alyson Hannigan, Keke Palmer, Bobby Moynihan, David Boreanz, Ben Schwartz, Anthony Anderson, and Kat Dennings. This wacky group of 7 play ONE character in Fries, the eccentric, goofy and sometimes a little clumsy wild card. Catch all the pop culture references that your kids won't when you watch this hilarious 3-hour comedy romp!

"King Jr" starring Daniel Kaluuya

(Due to a terrible mixup that exposes the lazy, racial bias in Hollywood, this movie was mistakenly marketed as a Martin Luther King, Jr. biography when in fact it was written as a wacky animated crown that likes to have fun and do things their way. We apologize.)

"Apple" starring Meg Ryan

Breaking out for a comeback after three years out of the spotlight, Meg Ryan plays a cutie pie apple with the help of pounds of prosthetics and talented director Edgar Wright. Is it a vehicle for Ryan's trip to Oscar? Can Meg Ryan make you cry as an apple? Catch "Apple" in theaters in November to find out!

"Drink" starring Kellie Marie Tran

Plot details of this one are under wraps, but TMZ and some fan blogs have speculated that Kellie Marie Tran gender bends the role as Drink and puts her own twist on the beloved, barely introduced character! Thanks to motion capture and the talents of DreamWorks Animation, Drink will fill your heart (and bladder) with joy! Rated R for explicit language.

"Nugget" starring Brendan Fraser.

Brendan Fraser is no stranger to playing the dimwitted but lovable goofball, and this role is right up his alley! Nugget takes a journey out of Burger King, back to the chicken farm he was from to find his mother. Little does the dullard realize that he's been extruded from her butchered, liquefied parts and she is long dead. Amazing!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fashion A Makeshift Saddle

So you're stranded with your horse and plan to ride a distance but you don't have a saddle handy. What to do? Follow these quick steps to save yourself a lot of riding pain!

1) Take three or four thick blankets and arrange them so that they cover 4 ft x 5 ft.

2) Without bunching them up, carefully tie the four corners of the blankets so that they don't unfold.

3) With two longer lengths of rope, tie the bundle to your horse. Make sure they're tight but not constraining the horse's movements or hurting her.

4) Try riding on it a few times to make sure it's comfortable enough for the long ride.

And speaking of long rides, if you've hired my limo to take you to the airport, please don't tip less if there's traffic. I have no control over it and maybe you should've planned ahead a little to make your flight. Stay safe, kids!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

You know you're really living when you're getting a parking lot blowjob from a Hawaiian Tropic cardboard standee.

A popular way to prepare broiled emcees is to boil them still in their askew baseball hats, allowing your guests de-hat them for themselves!

I can't tell if Ces Cru is stripping this girl of her ego or if she is a stripper with a huge ego already. NEEDS MORE INFORMATION.

"Theart Breaker?" I just s❤'d in my pants. 

"Okay, guys. Very funny. Joke's over. Now where are you, where's my wallet, and how did we all end up in Prague?"

Really lazy mix tape designers sometimes just visualize a wishlist of stuff they want. Kind of like the old shopping segment in "Wheel Of Fortune" reruns.

Khaled didn't get that super-soldier body naturally. A secret government agency altered him with Ho-Hos and years of neglect.

"EVERYBODY DUCK, THE AIR SHOW'S IN TOWN!!!!!"

Meanwhile in China, they're cranking out cheap knockoffs of this mixtape. Hurr hurrrr.

Dear, Jesus. Thank you for not using the classic "see and say" here.

It's not really considered cool to use a colored-in kid's placemat from $hmopcity Pizza Parlor for your mixtape cover without prior approval from $hmopcity Pizza Parlor.

"We gon' BO'LING FO' SO'LS!"

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Cory and Desmond waited patiently while GameSpot repaired their XBox 360.

Iggy wondered why all the neighborhood kids yelled "Jan Hammer!" when biking past her house.

Sing | Pray | Love | Foundation | Foundation | Foundation | Foundation | 

"C'mere. COME HERE. Did you see who pulled the chair out from under me?"

Lighting can make a naked woman look either very sensual or like a leftover Salisbury steak.

That's a pretty impressive Ted homage. I also like the guy double gunning two joints.

????????????? [Don't ask me why, for I do not know the answer to this one.]

The retoucher tried to create a golden pair of headphones. It ended up looking like the S91-SB-04 Satin Brass Door Handle from Handle World.

Everybody looks so bummed to be so free.

Marijuana?! No, these days Macaulay Culkin is into way harder stuff.

A Message From The Spraychel For President Campaign

"Hi. I'm Mister Opportunity. I've known Spraychel for about 16 years now, and I can attest to the fact that she is a prime candidate to represent the Cartoon-Americans of this country. Do Barack Obama or John McCain even have a spray nozzle head? I don't think so. Over the last 4 years, Senator McCain has voted 6 times against legislation that would make it possible for Cartoon-Americans to get married. And it's a real shame, too. Because I would totally marry Miss Piggy...no, wait. She's a puppet. What was I talking about? Sorry. I'm totally high."

Spraychel For President

The makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Spray have launched a new ad campaign revealing Spraychel, a peppy young Cartoon-American who is now running for President.

Spraychel campaign workers, however, have already characterized her as a domineering bitch who micromanages and fires at a whim. More on this developing story later.