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Upcoming Perks of the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

Hundreds of moviegoers continue to sign up for AMC's Stubs rewards program. Why? Because the list of Stubs perks and bonuses continues to grow. Here are the newest benefits of an AMC Stubs membership: 

• Free parking in the lobby, right behind the box office

• Members get a free laser pointer to use on the screen to drive everyone else crazy

• Free 2K xenon digital laser IMAX projector and a copy of "Interstellar" for members to take home

• Special screenings of current movies with all the male actors' shirts taken off

• Reclining seats for easier blowjobs

• Vintage 20 year old popcorn

New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's rewards program gains more and more members every month, primarily because of its growing list of perks and rewards. Here now are the latest benefits of being a Stubs card holder:

• If you nod off, we will rewind the film to where you were last paying attention

• Exclusive access to the upcoming "Passion of the Christ: Resurrection" popcorn bucket

• Diego can bake some hash into the chocolate chip cookies for you in the concession stand wink wink

• Text alerts for next time a movie starring that actor you like is playing

• Free spicy jalapeño nacho pretzel bites with purchase of XXL moon pie cookies & creme frozen blizzard shake diabetes

More Perks Offered to the AMC Stubs Rewards Members

The runaway popularity of AMC's Stubs rewards program is proof that going to the theatre is NOT dead! AMC continues to add new perks every week for current and new Stubs cardholders. Here are the latest:

• First dibs on pornographically-shaped promotional popcorn buckets

• A physical Stubs membership card that you can put in your *wallet* (people over 40 only)

• Permission to run a long hose from the fountain drink machine all the way to your mouth in Theatre 8

• Professional foot rubs by our custodial staff

• Our employees at the concession stand have been instructed NOT to talk about when their next break will be around you

• Our manager will explain to you why the video of Nicole Kidman talking about how great going to the movies is shows her alone in a theatre

The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's signature Stubs rewards program has been so successful, and this week they've added even more perks for customers. Current and new AMC Stubs card members can enjoy these latest benefits:

• Free to use cot for when your spouse throws you out of the house

• Free tub of gross Oreo popcorn concoction that we can't even give away

• Free Cybertruck (but you can't give it back to us)

• Personalized seat posture analysis and critique from Lady Madeline Kurgien

• Access to our "baby crying room" which is actually the broom closet

• We will not cause the police if your crew starts some shit with another crew if none of them are AMC Stubs members

 

AMC Would Like To Address Last Thursday's Incident and Its Effect On Stubs Rewards Members

Hello. We at AMC pride ourselves on our impeccable customer service and our commitment to a clean, wonderful theatre experience. It therefore distresses us to find out what happened at the Elmwood AMC location last Thursday. We're still getting reports of sickness and trauma, but here's what we know so far:

• The meat was uncooked

• We're not sure how all that meat got into Theatre 5– perhaps through the fire exit

• Almost three rows of seats were drenched in the pig blood. Only the first row got the intestines.

• People who were almost trampled at the concession stand will not have to pay for their snacks.

• Dua Lipa and John Cena were only in the movie for about 15 minutes, which is a rip-off.

• To get blood out of your jeans, sponge the stain with hydrogen peroxide, or rub bar soap into the stain. Pour the hydrogen peroxide onto the sponge, not directly on the stain. Scrub the stained garment by hand in cold water.

• AMC Rewards Club Members do not have to pay for anything for a year because of this.

• No, that was not Nicole Kidman in the theatre. Just a woman who looked remarkably like her.

• Refunds will be posted back to everyone's credit cards on Monday.

Some of the AMC Stubs Perks Being Discontinued

Unfortunately, sometimes AMC is forced to end some of the benefits and rewards in its ever growing program. Here are a few of the perks that will no longer be offered to members:

• No more foam parties in the projection room

• The health department has forced the end of Butthole Nachos

• No Friday Film Fireworks 

• Spicy oatmeal with cigarette butts will only be sold in matinees

• No more racism warnings from our loud Chinese mascot

• From now on, our free backrubs will be unenthusiastic

• No more ticket refunds unless you really, really, really didn't like the movie

Introducing AMC Stubs Events!

Members of the AMC Stubs Rewards program will be happy to know that AMC now offers exciting new in-theatre events. Check your local theatre for these upcoming events:

• Pajama Day

• Throw A Dildo At a Kevin James Movie Day

• We Fill the Entire Theatre with Popcorn So You Can Swim

• Possible Craigslist Drug Dealing Hookup

• Movie Trivia Rap Cypher

• Pretend To Be Interested in a Live Opera Feed

• Everybody Fuck

• AMC Employee Job Fair

The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's wildly successful Stubs membership program has ushered in (get it?) thousands of new moviegoers, enticing them with valuable perks and bonuses.

Here are the latest new rewards you can enjoy if you join now:

• If the fire alarm goes off, you don't have to leave the theatre and can finish the movie

• When any couple kisses on screen, you are allowed to shout, "GROSS!" as loud as you can.

• Free refills of Dr. Pepper fountain drink with disgusting vanilla and lime flavor added

• If you are seated at the front row during a horror movie, you can request that the people sitting behind you stand in front of you during the scary parts

• Free popcorn bucket with hole at the bottom (Mickey Roarke in Diner only)

• Free pair of 3D glasses even for movies that aren't in 3D just so you can pretend, ya jackass

• Premium seating away from the urine puddle

Some New Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership (Coronavirus Update 2)

The worldwide pandemic and country-wide quarantines have caused a massive drop in business for movie theaters, including AMC. In order to encourage people to risk infection and patronize their theaters, AMC has granted FREE membership of the Stubs Rewards card to anyone who comes in or even walks by the building. Here are the ADJUSTED free perks that now come with the Stubs membership card:

• Free 2020 Land Rover Discovery or Discovery Sport (you choose the color)

• Free air* *may be infected with coronavirus

• WE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 2.5 HOURS

• Free passes to the next 500 movies oh god please stay

• Contactless back massages

• If you pull your dick out we won't tell. Nobody's here!

• If you are Harvey Weinstein, sorry we can't let you in. We do still have our standards.

• Plastic wrapped straws for safe drinking although the soda machine is filthy

• We promise not to show the movies "Virus", "Outbreak", "Contagion", or "28 Days Later"

• You can run the place from now on. Go ahead. We're outta here!

Program Alert: Some Perks Being REMOVED From the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

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Some More Perks of the Whole AMC Stubs Thingamajiggy

Have you gotten your AMC Stubs Rewards card yet? No? Well, now's a good time, because AMC has partnered with some great sponsors to bring you even more benefits when you go the movies as a Stubs member! Here are the latest new perks:

• Free dung for your dung beetles at home

• Sly look of "yeah, he's in the In Crowd" from our knowing staff

• Racism will be over

• If you manage to sit through the latest "Fast and Furious" movie, we'll let you write the next one.

• Free game of bowling at any AMC Bowling Lanes (there are no AMC Bowling Lanes. Psych!)

• We'll let you have unprotected sex with Barry. He's a freak like that.

• Free large soda refill that makes you go pee so you miss more of the movie

• Free customizable seat armrests. Put your elbow on Elsa!

• Free Spanish conquistador helmet. Not sure how we got these but there are a lot of them.

New Perks Just Added To the AMC Stubs Rewards Program!

If you're a card carrying member of AMC's Stubs Rewards, you already know all the magic and fun to be had at your local movie theatre just by flashing your membership card or keychain fob. But here are even more benefits you can expect at your next trip to the movies:

• Popcorn that turns your poop yellow

• Free novelization of the movie you're watching to read while we repair the projector

• Slow ride

• Take it easy

• Our dockmaster will scrape the barnacles off your skiff for half off

• Emoji subtitles for the young 'uns

• $500 back for every ticket purchased (carryover from MoviePass business model)

• If you bring your own projector and the picture is actually clearer than ours, we'll allow it

• Free extra cry with any Pixar movie

• Shannon won't bother you anymore

• Free refill of Vanilla Coke. In fact, take it all. Shit's gross.

• Free admission to any Kevin Spacey, Louis C-K or Bill Cosby movie

THIS WEEK ONLY: Some Exciting Temporary Deals Exclusively For AMC Stubs Card Members!

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The Latest New Perks For All AMC Stubs Awards Club Members

AMC is happy to announce even more benefits for being a member of Hollywood's best rewards program: Stubs! Here now are the latest partnerships and perks you can enjoy by joining today:

• Go ahead and clip your nails- we'll clean it up!

• Shirtless hugs from either Tammy or Danny, depending on who's working

• Helpful plot subtitles for the stupid

• Free hose that runs to the toilet so you don't have to get up (funnel for women)

• If you boo, we will feel shame

• We will cover your eyes during scary movies with our hands

• If there's a fire, we will do our best to put it out quietly so you won't be disturbed

• BANDOLIERS FOR CATS

Some Perks and Features That Are Being REMOVED From the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

Usually, we like to update AMC Stubs Members on all the new perks and benefits being added to their membership. But lately, due to abuse of the program, the following membership perks will be discontinued immediately:

• Ability to yell four free racial slurs at the screen per movie screening

• Free usher taintrubs

• Bonus rewards points for guessing the ending and telling everybody

• Free used nachos

• Guy making popcorn will nod as you discuss with him filmmakers like Kubrick and Buñuel

• Free pirated DVD copies of movies that have already been released on DVD and reduced to the bargain bin

• Free large "cock-corn". Don't ask.

Some Brand New Perks For Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

The perks just keep poppin’ at AMC for Stubs Rewards members. Thanks to new partnerships, here are the latest benefits you can can enjoy by signing up now:

 •  Maria Menounos will annoy you in person with movie trivia, behind the scenes vignettes and fun film quizzes.

• We will provide you a solid murder alibi.

• If you’re mostly finished with your popcorn bucket, you can piss in it so you don’t miss any of the movie.

• Free bowling ball-size wad of bleu cheese

• If you call any other patron a pussy, we got your back if shit starts to go down.

•  Any of our staff will be happy to send you dick pics if you give us your number.

• If you angrily complain to us that the movie’s events are nothing like how it happened in the comic book, we will pretend to care.

• We will pick you and your lovely wife Amal up in our exclusive Stubs private charted schooner, where we will sail beyond your Lake Como home to the charming province of Lecco for a romantic dinner and seats at the World Climate Summit (George Clooney only).

• Someone in our fine staff will explain what the fuck that Shen Yun show really is.

Hey, Even More Perks Of Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because the only ones that do are inconsiderate assholes who text and talk and throw shit on the floor like it's their goddamn fucking living room. But those brave souls who still pay box office prices for the theatre experience can also be AMC Stubs Rewards members, now with these new positive perks:

• Free name tag on your shirt spelled in cursive with nacho cheese

• Complimentary lice consultation after sitting in our seats

• If your mom calls, we'll tell her you're too busy getting laid, wink wink

• Free parking lot 5 miles away with a $10 shuttle ride to the theatre

• Free giant Gummi dong that you'll never finish during the movie and will have to take home and explain to your wife

• We will sit behind you and throw popcorn in your hair, just like in high school

• Complimentary "view vest" which is branded with the AMC logo but doesn't do a damn thing except turn you into a walking advertisement

• If you have large knockers, we will be sure to compliment you on them

Some Year-End Benefits For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

AMC is making moviegoing fun for the end of 2018! Here are the latest perks and pluses you can look forward to as a holder of the AMC Stubs Rewards card!

• Free 14" popcorn ball for adults

• Free refill of nasty vanilla Diet Coke

• A free pre-worn pair of velvet Stubs slippers for your feet that you'll have to return once you've finished the movie. You can't keep them.

• Free fart quilt

• Special pair of 5D glasses that let you see every frame of the movie at once from all angles

• A nice, special seat to park that fine ass of yours– whooooo girl

• Free collabo track with either Pitbull or Sia (your choice)

• Special headset for the attention-span-impaired that yells the plot of the movie in your ears

• Cabbage

• Free endangered giraffe semen for virility and energy (China AMCs only)

• If you're too tired to drive home after the movie, we will FedEx you

New Rewards Benefits For AMC Stubs Members

The benefits just keep adding up for both new and existing AMC Stubs cardholders! Here are the latest perks you can enjoy at your next trip to an AMC Theatre:

• We'll rearrange the marquee letters outside to display your Social Security number

• If you don't like a movie, we will supply you with a $1.8 million budget with cast and crew to shoot your own version.

• Free nasty, germy 3D glasses that have probably sat on the head of some brat with lice

• Free refills of Absolut Vodka if you purchase a bottle at the AMC bar

• Trent in the concession stand would love to discuss Sean Hannity with you if you would ever want to discuss Sean Hannity with someone.

• 1/2 off all plot twists and MacGuffins

• If you are caught videotaping a movie in the theatre for illegal distribution, we will simply tut-tut and wag our finger at you.

• Do you like cheese? Because I do, too.

• Your own personalized emergency exit

• Free funeral if you die, but the coffin must be AMC-branded