O Solo Pathmark

10 Things That InfoWars Have Blamed On The Deep State

1. When packaging tape gets stuck to the spool and you can't find the end

2. Restocking fees

3. Why Mike Epps isn't a bigger star

4. GarageBand crashing

5. The price of fireworks

6. CBS's "Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist" getting canceled

7. Unattractive barn jacket colors

8. The utter predictability of Hallmark movies

9. Bad pesto

10. The weird way motivational speaker Tony Robbin's voice sounds a lot like KRS-One's

New Rewards Benefits For AMC Stubs Members

The benefits just keep adding up for both new and existing AMC Stubs cardholders! Here are the latest perks you can enjoy at your next trip to an AMC Theatre:

• We'll rearrange the marquee letters outside to display your Social Security number

• If you don't like a movie, we will supply you with a $1.8 million budget with cast and crew to shoot your own version.

• Free nasty, germy 3D glasses that have probably sat on the head of some brat with lice

• Free refills of Absolut Vodka if you purchase a bottle at the AMC bar

• Trent in the concession stand would love to discuss Sean Hannity with you if you would ever want to discuss Sean Hannity with someone.

• 1/2 off all plot twists and MacGuffins

• If you are caught videotaping a movie in the theatre for illegal distribution, we will simply tut-tut and wag our finger at you.

• Do you like cheese? Because I do, too.

• Your own personalized emergency exit

• Free funeral if you die, but the coffin must be AMC-branded

Joel's Dicklance Story Leak FOUND!

"Admittedly, I was the one who broke this rumor to the tabloids. Coinciding with my departure is an overall creative department need to up their dick-eating quotient as a team. I’m not saying whether Joel’s name was the first one tossed (salad), but you can probably draw your own conclusions. Will Joel return? Only Ayana knows for sure. And the man in the Michigan Avenue penthouse. And Grape Ape."

-Andrew Gall