Exclusive EADJ Preview of Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracies

Scott Fatman or whatever his name is is still at it with his ridiculous right wing conspiracy machine, Infowars. He and his (fat)head writers have agreed to share with us their ideas for shows in the upcoming weeks:

• Why they never call white people first at Panera Bread

• SNL has never been funny to conservatives. TOO HIGH BROW???!!!

• How cancer causes AIDS

• How the Operation board game is creating unrealistic expectations for aspiring health insurance providers

• How rock station morning shows are responsible for the recent explosion of unofficial "zoos"

• Why man boobs are considered sexy in certain circles now

• You. Why you are a Communist

• How Google Doodles are subliminally training your brain to accept diversity

• How to play Words With Friends alone.

Cool New Unlockable Perks of the Xbox 2021 Game Pass

 

Hey all you rad gamers! Xbox is thrilled to announce the latest Game Pass updates, so if you're not a XBGP subscriber yet, join now and get these fantastic membership perks:

• Free out of style Xbox Game Pass trucker hat

• Free online tutorial telling you the difference between "there", "they're", and "their" for online chat!

• Ability to trade in your V-Bucks or Robux for jewels, gems or Stanley nickels

• Free girlfriend or boyfriend (1 month trial only)

• Phone call with old gamer who can tell you all about "Battletoads" and how it was the shit back when

• Free mandatory download of U2's "Songs of Innocence"

• Ability to make fun of people without the 2021 Xbox Game Pass

• 6 month Ghetto Pass

• Lifetime supply of expired Bed Bath & Beyond 20% off coupons

• +5000 free followers on Twitch

• Free Lara Croft bra

• Date with PewDiePie (must be super-hot)

• Free worthless skin for any game that you never play anymore

The Latest New Perks For All AMC Stubs Awards Club Members

AMC is happy to announce even more benefits for being a member of Hollywood's best rewards program: Stubs! Here now are the latest partnerships and perks you can enjoy by joining today:

• Go ahead and clip your nails- we'll clean it up!

• Shirtless hugs from either Tammy or Danny, depending on who's working

• Helpful plot subtitles for the stupid

• Free hose that runs to the toilet so you don't have to get up (funnel for women)

• If you boo, we will feel shame

• We will cover your eyes during scary movies with our hands

• If there's a fire, we will do our best to put it out quietly so you won't be disturbed

• BANDOLIERS FOR CATS

UAG

The Joel Angel Project: Nonupdate

An anonymous EADJ reader left a comment on yesterday's post, wondering where a second magic trick from Joel will be posted, seeing how it's almost the end of the year, and the last time Joel posted a trick was on January 24.

Well, dear reader, your guess is as good as mine. Although we averted the Mayan end of the world, we are all nearing the deadline for the government's "fiscal cliff" discussions and EADJ's Joel Angel Project. Hopefully President Obama and the Congressional Republicans can come to the agreement that Joel needs to post another goddamned magic trick posthaste, since we're only days away from disaster.

Matt's Audience Awaits

from Matt G's Facebook Wall: