"To Get Rich, You Have To Be Making Money While You're Pathmark"

 

UAG

Some Brand New Perks For Being An AMC Stubs Card Member!

The perks just keep poppin’ at AMC for Stubs Rewards members. Thanks to new partnerships, here are the latest benefits you can can enjoy by signing up now:

 •  Maria Menounos will annoy you in person with movie trivia, behind the scenes vignettes and fun film quizzes.

• We will provide you a solid murder alibi.

• If you’re mostly finished with your popcorn bucket, you can piss in it so you don’t miss any of the movie.

• Free bowling ball-size wad of bleu cheese

• If you call any other patron a pussy, we got your back if shit starts to go down.

•  Any of our staff will be happy to send you dick pics if you give us your number.

• If you angrily complain to us that the movie’s events are nothing like how it happened in the comic book, we will pretend to care.

• We will pick you and your lovely wife Amal up in our exclusive Stubs private charted schooner, where we will sail beyond your Lake Como home to the charming province of Lecco for a romantic dinner and seats at the World Climate Summit (George Clooney only).

• Someone in our fine staff will explain what the fuck that Shen Yun show really is.

UAG

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 11: "The Christmas Secret" Starring Bethany Joy Lenz and John Reardon

Now this is the 11th fucking Hallmark movie I've seen in so many days. And as much as I'd like to say this is a superior holiday story, I know that my standards have more likely been eroded and now I'm just a big sap for when the crescendo hits and the couple finally kiss in time for Christmas.

I stand by my present assertion, however, and suggest that this particular one was put together slightly better than the others. Plus I think it did a good job of loading up the main character's pain and stress to as far as a viewer can manage before letting the good fortune, romance and cheer hit you square between the eyes.

Plot summary: "While her life is falling apart, single mom Christine finds a magical family heirloom that leads to love and good fortune during Christmas."

Romance Factor: 8 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 4 out of 10

Overall Rating: 6 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 1:12:37

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!

"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

You've Got Chocolate In My Peanut Butter, and Peanut Butter In My Racist Appliances!