Even More New Perks For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

AMC's Stubs Rewards program continues to dominate all other moviegoing rewards programs thanks to its ever-changing list of benefits and perks. Here are the latest rewards you can expect as a member:

• Free tickets to advance screening of movies that will probably bomb anyway

• We will fill your popcorn bucket with hot nacho cheese so you can dump it over the head of anyone you think is being too loud

• Unlimited Blockbuster Video rentals

• We won't throw any hooker in the theatre if she says she's with you

• Free refills for Mark Cuban (not you)

• If you're traumatized by any particular movie, we will carry you home, bathe you, dress you in warm flannel pajamas and rock you gently to sleep

• AMC has added a SKIP button on all movie trailers so you can skip them

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Some New Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership (Coronavirus Update 2)

The worldwide pandemic and country-wide quarantines have caused a massive drop in business for movie theaters, including AMC. In order to encourage people to risk infection and patronize their theaters, AMC has granted FREE membership of the Stubs Rewards card to anyone who comes in or even walks by the building. Here are the ADJUSTED free perks that now come with the Stubs membership card:

• Free 2020 Land Rover Discovery or Discovery Sport (you choose the color)

• Free air* *may be infected with coronavirus

• WE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 2.5 HOURS

• Free passes to the next 500 movies oh god please stay

• Contactless back massages

• If you pull your dick out we won't tell. Nobody's here!

• If you are Harvey Weinstein, sorry we can't let you in. We do still have our standards.

• Plastic wrapped straws for safe drinking although the soda machine is filthy

• We promise not to show the movies "Virus", "Outbreak", "Contagion", or "28 Days Later"

• You can run the place from now on. Go ahead. We're outta here!

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Face it. Your acting career isn't taking off the way you imagined after moving to LA. You've been passed over for that tomato soup commercial that would've really put you on the map. So now what? How about getting into porn? You can land a pornstar job anywhere in the Valley within 15 minutes. Alls you need now is a pornstar name. Here are a few aliases that are available, but only because they're terrible. So help yourself (and then help yourself):

HER:

Unmitigata Gall

Halley Tosis

Helvetica Wide

Anal Adams

Hannah Lay

Maga Dipshit

HIM:

Partisan Gerrymandering

Brock Holeson

Pervert Hoover

Skeevie Ray Vaughn

Abdulling Banjos

Locke Herrupp