Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop, PART TWO

In a stunning, unprecedented development, the big five studios are STILL claiming and developing movies based on the Wing Stop flavor menu from two days ago.

Here are the latest greenlit projects:

"KNOW THEM LOVE THEM" starring Julianne Moore, Letitia Wright and WWE wrestler Alexa Bliss

A retired teacher (Moore) moves to a small midwestern town, only to find that the women have been second class citizens since the 60s. She shows them through a spectacular PowerPoint deck how far the rest of the country has come. 

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"Atomic Cajun" (a combination of Atomic and Cajun) starring Zazie Beetz

From the director of "Bullet Train", Beetz plays an Acadian farmer who discovers nuclear waste in her end of the swamp. It transforms her into a super strong martial artist who can take revenge on the corporation that polluted her home. Also starring Zac Efron as CEO Gurney Tamblon.

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"Spicy Korean Q" starring John Cho, Lee Hung Si, and Sung Kang

A mysterious conspiracy website invites a gang of South Korean government agents to the U.S. to track down the real Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and Mothman, all government experiments gone wrong. But is the website just some kid in his basement? It's a conspiracy comedy in the vein of "Burn After Reading" and "The Men Who Stare At Goats". "Parasite" director Bong Joon-Ho has been attached.

Soundtrack by BTS, BLACKPINK, EXO, BIGBANG, and GOT7

In Honor Of May the Fourth, Here Are The Latest Star Wars Tie-In Merchandise

It's no secret that Lucasfilm's Star Wars properties are very big business in the merchandising world, especially since Disney acquired them in 2012. Here are the latest products you can expect on store shelves from the marketing juggernaut:

Star Wars Mouse & Insect Glue Traps

There's no need to bullseye womp rats from your T-16 when you can just lay these pre-baited adhesive glue traps to catch them in your moisture farm grain silo. Also catches Earth mice!

Star Wars Diabetic Socks

A large majority of SW fans have health issues connected to obesity. Diabetes is one of them. These special socks provide support for circulatory problems related to diabetes, whether you're standing in line for the Hall H panel in San Diego or participating in the Running of the Willrow Hoods.

Star Wars X Massengill Douche

Female Star Wars fans have been ignored for too long. But that's the past, as Star Wars partners with douche giant Massengill to offer natural SW-themed freshness to vaginae across the galaxy.

Star Wars Brake Pads

George Lucas was always a fan of speed, whether it was the hot rods in American Graffiti or the pod racers in Episode 1. These Star Wars branded brake pads provide the responsible counter to runaway speeds, offering safety, control and long-lasting reliability you can expect from Star Wars merchandise.

Meanwhile, Back At the Gaslight...

"Thanks for coming today. Here's your check."

"What? Miss, I just paid my check a moment ago."

“I do not know what you are talking about. You are just trying to confuse me.”

"No, I gave you my Visa card. You still have it."

"Are you sure? You probably have a bad memory, being old and all."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Look, I'm very busy today and don't have the time to argue. So just give me a twenty and we'll forget about your embarrassing behavior."

"Will you take two 10's?"

A Few More Terrible Porn Names

If you're young and dumb and need some cash, porn is a good industry to get into. So before you have any second thoughts, just jump in the game and grab one of these terrible porn names that are free for the taking:

Him

Ray Cyst

Wyatt Supremacist

Paul’s Buns, Hon

Walter Top 

Shafter Noon-Delight

Wang Lo Canoodles

Her

Hollow Vera

Amica Bull

Eska Laid

Jenn O’Cide

Cher Fluids

Areola Borealis

"Forget It, Jake, It's Pathmark."

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make Money On YouTube

In order to earn a healthy income from YouTube, stop viewing that platform as a monetize-able medium in and of itself. Instead, think of YouTube as the catalyst. The real way to make money from YouTube is to leverage its massive network. Here's how:

1) Sell your own goods on Spotify. You can set up an ecommerce storefront using a resource like Shopify, then produce videos that fit into your product’s niche. At the end of the videos, you can produce calculated CTAs that funnel traffic to your product landing pages.

2) Sell premium videos with Yondo. Create a YouTube channel and build an audience. The primary goal is to engage this audience and build a brand name. Then, once you've established a reputation, begin driving traffic to your own landing pages where you can up-sell viewers with premium video content. One of the best ways to do this is by using a solution like Yondo, which lets you create your own store that sells on-demand video content with your own domain. You can sell pay-per-view rentals, monthly subscriptions or anything in between. Best of all, you get to set your price and you don’t have to split revenue down the middle with YouTube.

3) Direct traffic to affiliate links. Instead of relying on static blogs to drive people to affiliate links, try creating a lively YouTube channel and using it as the primary catalyst. As the internet continues to move toward video as the primary form of content, you can get ahead of the curve and begin to benefit now.

4) Attract sponsorships. If you study the most successful YouTubers, you’ll notice the sponsorships and advertisements they have in their video recordings. These deals are opportunities the video-makers have discovered on their own. And the great thing about sponsorships is that you don’t have to give YouTube a cut. Plus, you can negotiate whatever contracts you want based on impressions and the size of your audience. 

And speaking of audience, sometimes when I'm driving my limousine and I'm in a really good mood, I'll start singing along with the Jerry Vale CD I'm playing. If you're riding in the back and raise the partition, it's okay- I won't be offended. Stay safe, kids.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Nothing more terrifying than a knife wielding gorilla that screams "PRICE!"

No change needed.

Looks good to me.

"V-Ice" now? Okay. Approved.

Stet.

Perfect.

Sure.

Yup. Solid. Keep as is.

I love the attention to detail here. Even though it clearly says "WEST COAST" and "LOS ANGELES" on the cover in big letters, the designer made sure to include the silhouette of the state of California (see the bay area near the chin?) to really drive the message home.

Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California

10/8/1988  AVOID AT ALL COSTS

This is the type of place that will take your money, then turn around and stab you with their steely knives. Girlfriend and I made a reservation and paid for a "romantic suite" but ended up in a single room without windows.When confronted at the front desk the manager rudely yelled at her that we can check out anytime we like. Not ever allowed to leave, however. SEND HELP

DON H.

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9/7/1992  NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED

Got this place because of travelocity.com. Boy, do those pictures lie. This place is a shithole. The whole area stank of sweet summer sweat, especially around the courtyard. The hotel is located next to a mission whose bell won't stop ringing, even after 8pm. The list goes on. We would have done better staying at a Motel 6, but there aren't a lot of alternatives on that Dark Desert Highway. Worst of all, they would not refund our money– we had to complain to travelocity to get a measly $50 voucher. Luckily we found a good price for Holiday Inn Express which was night and day compared to this horrible hotel. I don't know how they stay in business. That manager is a bitch.

GLENN F.

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9/7/2010  DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHIMMERING LIGHTS

I don't know what got into me to give this horrible hotel a try. My head must have been heavy or my sight might have grown dim. Regardless, I had to stop for the night.

Mirrors on the ceiling? Pink champagne on ice? I don't know who this place is geared for, but it's all kind of chintzy and sad.

Was invited to a buffet in the "Master's Chambers." Got creeped out and stayed in my room instead, which was cool because I caught a "Blossom" marathon.

Not having wi-fi is unforgivable in this day and age.

B. SZYMCZYK

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1/1/1969  SWEET, THEY HAVE WINE HERE!

THE CAPTAIN

The ProofrEADJer, Birth Of Our Nation Edition

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Vipers, starring Tara Reid

As ordered by the Court in April 2008, the County of Los Angeles mandated that Tara Reid star in the movie "Vipers" to fulfill her 120 hours of community service. Once the film had been completed, Tara was to deliver the film to her probation officer and serve the rest of her sentence at its premiere and DVD release party.

Overall grade: F