Some Upcoming Movies Based On a 3 Year Old's Puzzles

It's no secret that Hollywood has run out of script ideas for movies. Every available property has been developed into a feature film already, and studio execs are now desperate to find the next big release. Luckily, they found a handful of viable screenplay ideas from some puzzles that my son Trevor was playing with while on the potty. Here are some upcoming blockbusters to watch out for:

"Fishbook" starring Joel McHale, Anne Hathaway, and Tiffany Haddish

It's "The Perfect Storm" meets "Titanic" as a seaside college librarian (McHale) falls in love with a National Guard Captain (Hathaway) during the storm of the century.

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"Ballmoon" starring John Cena, Mandy Rose, Toni Storm, and Lacey Evans

A new low-gravity stadium on the moon has opened, and the toughest moonball players must duke it out to become the Champion of the Universe! Also featuring a cameo by Hulk Hogan. Directed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

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"Lion Fire" starring Tom Bateman, Tyler James Williams, and Maisie Williams

The Samson High Lion Cheer squad discovers an out-of-control wildfire that's threatening to destroy their school (but more importantly, their cheer practice space). The squad improvises and overcomes personal obstacles to become the town's newest firefighting heroes. LION FIRE!

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"Milk Soap" starring Nina Dobrev, Sasheer Zamata, and Basketmouth

A struggling NYC artist (Zamata) hits pay dirt when she fakes the recipe for a trendy new "milk soap" that promises to cure all kinds of diseases and ailments. The lie spreads out of control, and only her best friend (Dobrev) and their local Nigerian bodega owner (Basketmouth) can save her reputation.  Directed by Emma Stone and Spike Jonze

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Berner & Styles P were delighted that the IKEA cafeteria offered plates of broccoli.

Eric finished his album cover and then returned the safety scissors to Ms. Hannigan's desk.

"You called a Lyft?"

Soulja Boy not only is a terrible rapper - he also has trouble storing his money and thinks airport runways are good places to park.

When Party City doesn't have licensed Star Wars costumes, Kent Jones is forced to wear "Death Space Villain."

In my old man experience, any album that has the word "purp" or "trap" automatically sucks.

And so far, I haven't been wrong.

Somebody mixed their Allegra with their ketamine.

Guess what his favorite movie is (it rhymes with "Spar Trace")?

No regrets at all, B? Not even the man bun?

Spotted In North Carolina

Wait, there are people who both get Limp Bizkit song lyric references and reproduce? Fuck.

@#$%#@

Pictured above, what happens when you try cooking when "Jersey Shore" is on.

An Open Letter To Guy Fieri

Dear Guy Fieri,

Okay, I understand. You're making "casual dining" a more approachable, even more fun experience. You're helping re-position TGI Friday's as more "with-it" and "down with the kids." When one visits TGIFridays.com, they're met with a posterized face of your mug and some garage band rock blaring. You're building on the familiar equity of Friday's and giving it some "edge."


But you know what? I don't think any of us need that. We like our shitty jalapeno poppers and precooked chicken sandwiches just fine. We've never expected a proper chef to serve us foie gras and pheasant under glass, because we are eating AT THE FUCKING MALL. So don't try to think you're totally breaking down the barriers of cook and customer by calling yourself a "food dude." That sounds like someone who doesn't wash their hands.

And go wash that shit out of your hair. You're embarrassing your kids.

Fuck a horse,

Eat A Dick Joel

Happy New Dick!

We at EADJ hope you had a good New Year's Eve at home, moodily eating whole cans of Pringles and arguing with your Mom about which channel to watch the big ball drop. Salut!