UAG

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight...

"Okay, I'm taking off, Don."

"What? You just got here."

"No, I didn't. I'm clocking out. I've been working since 10am."

"That's not what it says on your timecard, Nathan."

"Yes, it does. Here, this is when I... What are you doing?"

"I ripped it up because the time was logged wrong. When you log your time in wrong, you get penalized, like we discussed before. Now punch in with a new card and get to work– you're doing a double shift."

"Wha..."

"No more talking. You're already working half wages for logging your time in wrong. Now GET TO WORK, NATHAN."

I Promise Not Every Entry Will Be About Babies From Now On, But Allow Me This One

Now, since having the baby a few weeks ago, the nursery has been filled with Bumbos, Boppies, Nuks, and other baby equipment you've never heard of. But there's one item that still kind of baffles the shit out of me. This hanging diaper holder.


What the cock? It holds your diapers and hangs on a closet doorknob out of your way, because apparently diapers stacked on a dresser is unsightly? Or are diapers considered "clothing," and that's why it holds them there? What if your changing table isn't near the closet or a doorknob? Fuck, Jamal.


Is it easy? Not really. Because you have to open it like a vagina to grab a diaper and pull it out sideways, and I KNOW you are sick of having just done that action. Also, if the thing is filled with too many diapers, you can't grab any of them easily. It's a design student project which I would grade a solid D. Somebody saw an adult's garment bag and decided to make a small inconvenient girlie one that holds shitbags.


Oh, and the white frilly ruffles. Fuck them, too. What an embarrassment.

End of the Year Closeout: Part 2

Tonight we retire another EADJ bit: The misplaced item in Pathmark. Partly because we want to just retire this bit. And partly because the security guard at Pathmark threatened to throw me out of the place next time she saw me taking pictures.








Barnes and Noble step up to the plate:



Not that Safeway in Maryland's any better:

A Message From Pewter Bear

Oh, fuck me.

Pewter Bear, that WAS the 400th entry. We were saving that for The Dickside Chats, Part Four. You just wasted our commemorative 400th entry with your stupid fucking cake and pewter hat. GOD, I HATE YOU!!!!!

Die, you urine-soaked cockfork! Don't EVER chime in again, you hear me? Don't ever even visit this goddamn blog again! Next time, we see you, you're DEAD!! You're DEAD! Now, make like a tree, and FUCK OFF!

Dick -------------> Joel

It's tax time, and Joel filed his taxes via Turbotax.com to receive his refund more quickly. On his 1099 he listed "DICK" in the "Miscellaneous income and tips" box. The unfortunate entry, however, crashed the Turbotax server and caused everyone in Montana to receive $5000 free. The good people of capital city Helena showed their appreciation by naming one of their horse paths "Honorary Joel Eating Dick Way." Joel has also been invited to come visit and speak before a crowd of six in City Hall- two who are reported to own dicks- and Joel has enthusiastically pencilled it into his calendar.

(pictured above, three not very smart people would rather look at an ad for "America's Next Top Model" than seek shelter from a snowstorm)

**Update** The crashed Turbotax server has also inexplicably subtracted $40,000 from the account of a Galen Tomlinson, who played "Turbo" on American Gladiators from 1990-1996.