Ads For Eyeglasses Are Weird.

There's something gross and unsettling about eyeglasses ads. Maybe it's in the casting, like they chose people too beautiful to wear glasses or something.

Why doesn't this guy just get LASIK? He shouldn't be hiding his beautiful cheekbones like that.

This is more natural. But she still seems oddly alien and smug.

Oh, look. I found my lost Kraftwerk LP.

Good Lord. Creepy vacant smiles, sitting too close together, smiling in two different directions at nothing. I'd prefer mannequin heads or just the frames. GET ME OUT OF THIS STEPFORD WICKERMAN MIDSOMMAR NIGHTMARE

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of September Edition

This plumbing company also decorates donuts.

And yes, I'm an asshole for including this, but a typo's a typo.

2012 Election Day Coverage, Sponsored by Utz

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Fan Belt

(pictured above, kind of hard to tell, but John Reid shows off his new "F" belt buckle)

OWN the RELATIONSHIP!

Blean Blablohen gives a pep talk to Sergio and whoever else is still listening.

Eat A Dick Joel: Special Teacher's Edition

(Note: This is a special guide to help educators explain in more detail the life and travails of Joel Thomas to their students. This is not an instructional guide on how to eat dick.)

Students often ask "Why does Joel eat dick?" Instead of ignoring this obvious question or punishing them, you should let them figure it out for themselves. Answer them with questions of your own: "Why shouldn't Joel eat dick?" "What is the symbolic connection between Joel and dick?" "What about Joel can we identify with?" "Who's making farting noises near the radiator? Is it you, Peter?"

Also, workbooks are helpful in developing a student's understanding of dick being eaten by Joel. By involving them in activities, essays, and pictograms, by the end of 8 weeks most 3rd graders can grasp the concept of Joel chugging huge amounts of ding dong and can probably write "Eat a dick, Joel" in cursive.

Answers for section 2 of the workbooks:

1. Yes
2. Yes.
3. Four.
4. Dick.
5. 225 North Michigan, 24th Floor, Chicago, IL 60601, Attn: Brad Harvey
6. The letters C, U, and N.
7. Frederick Douglass
8. Chris Klein dressed like a pizza.
9. Fangoria Magazine, Vol. 4, Issue 8

(pictured above, the exact amount of Indian food that Scott Wild can eat without spraying the bowl in orange.)

***AN EADJ FIRST: CELEBRITY INTERVIEW!!!!***

(Eat a Dick Joel is proud to present an exclusive interview with actress Jessie Ward, who plays Emma Crawford on the MyNetworkTV series "Wicked Wicked Games.")

EADJ: So, Jessie, this is your second soap opera...

Jessie: Daytime drama. We prefer to call them daytime dramas.

EADJ: Okay, this is your second daytime drama. How is this one different?

Jessie: Well, it's more about character in this series. We all play over-the-top roles here, since it's a supernatural-based storyline, but there is more emphasis on building a part. I think it's fun to be big and have permission to take your acting ability and be as big as possible with it. So this is great.

EADJ: I see.

Jessie: And since this isn't based on any written work, it's up to the actors to establish and create their character from the ground up.

EADJ: Wow.

Waiter: Uh, excuse me...

Jessie: Yes?

Waiter: Hi, do you mind if we move you guys over to the next table?

Jessie: What? Why?

Waiter: Well, you are both sitting at a four-seater, and a party of four has just come in.

Jessie: (flustered) Then why did you seat us here?

EADJ: Uh, we're trying to conduct an interview here...

Waiter: We really need the space...

Jessie: You can't just seat us here and then move us over right after we got our entrees! This is ridiculous!

EADJ: So what's it like working with Tatum O'Neal?

Jessie: Why don't you just move those two little tables over to seat the four?

Waiter: But those are in two different zones, and I can't...

Jessie: I want to speak to your manager.

EADJ: (stares at notepad)

Jessie: Let me speak to your manager.

Waiter: Shit. I gotta go. (runs with other waiters onto the bar)

Group of 12 waiters on top of the bar: (singing) We go to-gether, like rama lama lama, ke ding a de dinga a dong...

Jessie: Christ. Why did you choose Ed Debevic's, anyway?