Some Motivational Words of Support From the Pool Toy Section of Target

Ride on, Stingray, ride on.

Float, Stingray Baby, float.

🤙

Weird Advert

Spotted online, an ad for home equity loans, featuring a very confusing visual:

I get the "DIP into your equity" connection, but why an avocado? That doesn't seem to be part of the Lending Tree brand (and I understand avocados grow on trees). 

And is that a nacho shaped float in the pool? Why is the chip so much smaller than the avocado? I'm also concerned about that white towel that's about to fall off the side.

Also, as avocados go, that one sucks because look how huge the pit is and how little pulp is left.

Final grade: F

There's No Way To Know For Sure

Here is a short list of possible things that this baby is thinking while sitting in the Ultimate Spider-Man Baby Pool:

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Why is she holding an invisible taco in front of me?"

"Wait. This isn't Disney World."

"How the hell did my hair get wet in this shallow thing?"

"I would have preferred a Batman pool, actually. I'm more of a DC reader, especially since the New 52."

"Why is the government focusing more on the apprehension of Edward Snowden and not on the shocking revelation he leaked that the NSA illegally monitors Americans' phone calls?"

"What kind of fuel does the Dinosaur Train run on? Hopefully not fossil fuel. That would be just wrong."

"I wonder if my hatred for the Chinese will arise naturally or be engrained into me by my racist parents."

"I POOPED"

"Wait a minute. Goldilocks was clearly breaking and entering in that story!"

"I imagine you couldn't play Jenga for shit on the International Space Station."

"Isn't $17.99 a little unreasonable for an inflatable toy?"

"Where's that waitress? I ordered my drink 15 minutes ago."

"Man, the actor who plays Cam on 'Modern Family' may not be really gay, but he certainly is convincing."

"Why is having a black president a big deal? There's been one in office my entire life."

"You do not have my nose. I realize it's a trick now, so you can't fool me again, lady."

"My friend Hector explained to me the meaning of the word 'coochie,' so whenever you say 'coochie coo' to me, that's sexual harassment."

"Seriously, this thing holds what, one gallon of water?"

"Liam Neeson actually did a pretty great Hannibal in that 'A-Team' movie, now that I think about it."

"CRÜE!"

"It's a shame more people don't use Google Chrome as their primary web browser."

"Holy shit, look at that woman's cankles!"

"I miss the good ol' days of drinking directly from my mother's chest."

"Not to belabor a point, but my goddamn dimple can hold more water than this thing."

"I bet you're reading all of these in Bruce Willis' voice, aren't you?"

"Man, there is no shortage of nipples in this photo."

"Miremos más que somos padres de nuestro porvenir que no hijos de nuestro pasado."

"My spidey sense is tingling. Or am I sitting on my pacifier?"

"How do humans know what they know, and how does our knowledge relate to our experience?"

"What in the world would possess Gallagher's brother to impersonate him and then get into a whole legal entanglement with him over an act that he clearly never owned?"

"Couldn't she have put this stupid pool over a softer surface than friggin' concrete?"

"I wonder if I should get a career in advertising or marketing."

"That cloud looks like half of a cow."

"If someone had two lazy eyes, would they look like Cookie Monster?"

"Will I start losing my hair when I'm in my 40's? Who cares? LOL"

"Why is my mother so cheap that she buys my suits at the Build-A-Bear Workshop?"

"Do I smell ham?"

"Where is my Dad? Is he that guy? Or that guy? Or him with the bag?"

"Why make a g.d. zombie movie if you're going to make it PG-13, take out all the gore and have the zombies run faster than humans? Friggin' ridiculous."

"I should ride a badger since I'm still small enough to balance on one."

"How do you pronounce ?uestlove's name?"

"I think it's pretty lazy for the Alphabet song to be the same exact melody as 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.' Just lazy."

"Man, based on what my friends at daycare tell me, I am not looking forward to teething."

"Wait, there were THREE Beastie Boys?!"

"f"

Baby Hideaway Pool

Baby Hideaway Pool?! What the fuck are you talking about?!

Why the hell would baby hideaway in a pool? Everybody knows already that baby enjoys pool, so why would baby go skulking about like a criminal in some shady "hideaway" pool?

Baby enjoys pool. Baby not ashamed of enjoying pool, so fuck you for implying that baby has anything to be ashamed of.

Worse yet, fuck you for implying that baby has found a sneaky way to hide his alleged shame with a hideaway pool.

Baby enjoys pool and will enjoy pool in front of you, the entire viewing public, and the sweet Creator himself if need be.

Baby also having a hard time concentrating with busty woman who is not his Mom leaning over him like that. Making baby nervous.

So fold back the shade of the hideaway pool. Baby got nothing to hide.

Happy New Year from baby, by the way. Drive safe.

Unfortunate Logo Of The Month

Spotted in New Jersey, a logo for the Maplewood Makos swimming team makes them look either like melting soft serve or a pile of poo.

Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.

Racist Furnace?

I got some junk mail from PSE&G the other day, and this guy was in the envelope:


To you faithful EADJ readers(ha!), you might recognize this sassy furnace from "Racist Appliances," one of our regular features.


We're still undecided whether we want to convert this into a new segment, "Relaxed Racist Furnace," but we'll let you know if it pans out.

My Baby Float

"My Baby Float?!"

Baby don't belong to no one. Just because some woman pushed baby out of vagina doesn't mean baby is woman's property. Baby is own man. Baby is grateful to woman for not drinking hard liquor or smoking cigarettes for nine months, but that doesn't mean baby belongs to woman. That's indentured servitude bullshit.

Baby float on baby's own terms. Baby float because baby...

WHAT THE FUCK?! $4.99 price tag on baby's head?! It's not bad enough that baby want to float without ridiculously attractive woman grabbing the goddamn float? Float already float, and baby don't need woman's hands to help float. And now baby got to put up with stupid $4.99 price tag on forehead? This is not baby's idea of a good time floating.

Oh. $3.99 now. Big whoop. Damage already done with price tag on baby forehead. Baby can't expect to tan head with gigantic sticker. Baby not even floating for reals with unrealistically hot woman holding float like that. Baby need independence.

Can baby start day over?

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Pool Noodles

Today we put the hate on the floating abomination that is the pool noodle.

Word has it, this is the only floating toy accepted in public pools and water parks nowadays. The larger lounge-type rafts are prohibited because I guess dumb kids can be caught underneath one? Or that the rafts are considered too big for a publicly shared space? Whatever the reason, the shitty flaccid pool noodle is now here to stay to "teach you to swim."


Now, how exactly are you supposed to learn how to swim while straddling with a big flaccid floating dong? Number one, I think that's sick, and number two, I just peed in the pool again. Feel that warmth.



The only fun that can be had with a pool noodle is out of the water, where you're beating the piss out of your friends while they're trying to hold a margarita and tell you about their new timeshare in Belize. Take that, boring conversation!

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

1. Taos Pueblo Native American Reservation, New Mexico: D

2. Leaside Memorial Community Gardens Recreational Complex, Toronto, Ontario: A

3. Rental Beach House, Sea Isle City, New Jersey: F

4. Strathcona Music Building (formerly the Royal Victoria College), McGill School of Music, Montreal, Quebec: C

5. Cristo Redento (Christ the Redeemer) Statue, on the summit of Corcovado Mountain in the Tijuca Forest, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil: B

6. Toucan Cleric's Fun, Men's Bathroom, 24th Floor, New York City: E

* The filthiest toilet was (and is) at Toucan Cleric's Fun.

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And here are the following winners:

Honey Kaplan in Lawrenceville, Georgia got 5 out of 6 right and takes home an apple bag full of old Vogue magazines.

Jehru Managasayan from Cedar Falls, Iowa correctly answered 3 out of 6 and wins a free shoe fitting at his local Lady Foot Locker.

Ethel Merman from Stuttgart, Germany got 2 out of 6 correct and just wants a little validation around here for once.

Gary Langley in Yonkers, New Jersey got 6 out of 6 correct but forgot to completely fill out the entry form so was disqualified. He is currently beating his wife.

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks for playing!

Epilogue To Unnamed Project

After the debacle of Project B_____ after an Unnamed Organization started getting pissy about it (the exact OPPOSITE of Jerald's reaction), some readers have been asking who our confederate at that organization and if they're doing okay. Their report:

The end of the (tale) is that the (unusual) (parcel) has all been (distributed) and is in the (claws) of (folks) who (uttered)...."yeah, I can really use that. (Also, Dita Von Teese skateboard ragamuffin One-dollar-per-year-in-business as a Christmas bonus was really fucking cheap.)"

Since Unnamed Organization has been known to screen their emails, key words have been altered with synonyms (in parenthesis) and an additional fake sentence has been added to the end to confuse any automatic or manual searches to track down and discipline said confederate. Your identity is safe with us, dear confederate!

Jerald and Why He Prevails.

Sometime last week we had mentioned receiving a message from Jerald via the WAYN (now pronounced way in) website. And in order for Jerald to send me a message, he had to have seen my profile photo:


But rather than get snippy or huffy about the photo, he sent a LOL, a :), and a "Dooooooode that's a funny photo man!" He then proceeded to make plans for our next outing next month which will include playing pool and foosball. Motherfucking class act. He really is "the Man."

Stay tuned for our next awesome EADJ/Jerald outing in August!

TV Talk! Zzzzzzzz.

Tom and Beth discuss a TV show that I don't watch.



Is Beth flirting with Tom? Note the hair flip.

***UPDATE***
Beth doesn't like this video and wants me to take it down.

For Sheezy Jolly Good Fellow!

Summer day for Joel.

Joel took a break from writing terrible screenplays to sit back on his back patio and eat some tropical dick, poolside. Too bad Mrs. Gufton from across the way also decided to tan her breast at the same time.

Joel eyed the long, flatulent breast that she set on the poolside table and for a moment was tempted to eat it. It was then that he saw the nipple on the end and lost his urge.

His chimp servant tried to set up a screen to shield Joel's eyes, but by then Joel had completely lost his appetite.

(pictured above, Jeff Epstein before shredding evidence of buying alcohol for minors)