More Dumb Taglines For A Forgotten Movie That Sounded Terrible Anyway

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Coronavirus

"Oh, that's a great one. And so timely! The disease is actually called COVID-19 and is caused by a coronavirus called SARS-CoV-2. Older adults and people who have severe underlying medical conditions like heart or lung disease or diabetes seem to be at higher risk for developing more serious complications from COVID-19 illness. There are as yet no vaccines or antiviral drugs to prevent or treat human coronavirus infections. I'm glad you asked!"

"Wait, I managed to explain the whole thing without these two thighs interru..." *NECK SNAPS*

Aiming For 300

Pictured above, Jesus goes bowling with a toddler's head.

Through My Trees.

(pictured above, an R&B compilation loses street cred)

Never buy a DVD from Amazon.

At least not one from any third party vendor via Amazon. That's the lesson I learned recently when buying the excellent "300" DVD.

I was about to buy the thing for $13.99 but then noticed that there were 115 used and new for only $9.59? Wowzers!


Clicking on this section brings you a host of third party vendors who sell their warez (sic) through Amazon. You can tell they're reputable by their FIVE STAR ratings and their virtually 100% positive feedback. Man, why buy from Amazon when you can get it cheaper from one of these fellows? They're trustworthy enough to babysit your dog, right? You see where this is going, right?

So I get a DVD in the mail. I pop the disc in the DVD player, and it chugs and farts like Dan Consiglio's movie at that screening at that bar which lost a lot of money for Melinda did.

Upon closer inspection, I realize it's an illegal bootleg. Not a horrible DVD-R with a gimpily scrawled Sharpie label, mind you, but a screen-printed DVD in a sleeve with screen-printed artwork. Professional shit. But shit nonetheless.

I get on Amazon.com and try to track down the vendor "kc_books_and_media," to complain, but thanks to Amazon's layout, you can't track vendors by name. Only when leaving feedback. So I leave the following feedback:


A few days later, I get an (untraceable) email via Amazon:

Hello David,

I am very sorry that you had a problem with your DVD, and to be honest with you, I have never had anyone say this title wouldn't play on their DVD player. I don't know what you received, but I will most defintely send you out a brand new set today. And I am very sorry for whatever had happened to make the DVD not play. We don't sell bootlegs and I will get you a new set out today, by express mail.

Sincerely,

Amy Jenkins
KC books & media


The next day I got another email from "Amy:"


Hello David,

I wanted to apologize again to you for you getting what seems to be a bad disc. I just finished packing your replacement set, and the Express Mail tracking number is going to be online in the next hour, or as soon as I can possibly make it to the post office.
I never intentionally sent you anything that didn't work, and if you had tried to email me and didn't get an answer, I am very sorry. I have had problems keeping up with my emails since I had to get rid of my shipping clerk, due to too many mistake.
That may have upset you and if that is the case, I am very sorry.
I have worked for about a year to build up my Amazon account, tried my best to make all my customers happy, and I know you were frustrated, I understand. But this type of feedback basically destroys my business, completely and totally. I am getting you a new set from our regular stock, which is hopefully what you received in the first place, but I'm not sure why the disc would not play and I haven't see this happen before with the "300" movie. I am basically at your mercy, and if you would be so kind as to remove the feedback you left, then it would help me more than you could ever imagine. Since if it stays there, my 2 small daughters won't have a place to live pretty soon, since Amazon is my life, and without it, I would have nothing. I will also put a stamped, self-addressed package in with the package so that you can send back this defective set.

The tracking number of your new set is:
EB668772622US

Sincerely,

Amy Jenkins
KC Books & Media


And send it she did:


Did this copy play on my DVD player? Yes. Is this copy a bootleg? Who knows. But breath assure I'm never buying a DVD from one of these "Mom 'n Pop" vendors again. Will Amy Jenkins' two daughters have to live on the streets and turn into pickpocket urchins? Not anytime soon; the DVD copies these shysters sell are so good that they fool the average buyer (Shit, most people wouldn't notice if their DVD wasn't widescreen). But I'm surprised about Amy Jenkins worrying about her daughters becoming homeless when she herself turned kc_books_and_media's shipping clerk out on the streets, and right before Christmas! Have you no heart, Amy Jenkins, you dishonest-bootlegging-vendor-who's-probably-an-18-year-old-boy?

Strike Out, Joel.

Things that Joel has learned over the course of the Writer's Strike:

Day one: Not working is kind of fun!

Day two: My toes are kind of webbed if you look at them in the right light.

Day three: Nikki and Victor are an eternally doomed couple on The Young and the Restless

Day four: Unrefrigerated Vong's Thai Kitchen leftovers don't keep or taste too good.

Day five: Writer's agents don't call as often when writers are striking.

Day six: Loneliness is disorienting and Silvia Plath poems make more sense.

Day seven: My testicles smell worse when you use Pine Sol.

Day eight: Wow. Silvia Plath totally gets it all.

Day nine: Being broke isn't as heroic and honorable as those Okie Dust Bowl people say.

Day ten: Dick still tastes awesome. A comfort in these times.

(pictured above, the new trend in album cover art– just putting someone's big fat face on the cover)