Say Goodbye To Stuff Advertisers Insist You Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Aloha!

Wait. Are they saying "Say Goodbye to Incredible Savings?"

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Countdown"

When a blogger threatens to attack a school, it's up to Charlie and his pals to hunt him down and kill him.

"Territory"

Charlie confronts a drug dealer who says he "accidentally" started dealing on his turf. A new mob boss requests a meeting with Charlie's friend Tugboat.

"Keyless Entry"

Charlie's ties to the Russian mob almost disqualify him from receiving a key to Coloforms City from the mayor. Luckily, he pays off the city council and the ceremony goes forward.

"Extra Extra!"

The bodies of several prostitutes end up near the Colorforms factory and the local paper threatens to break the story. Charlie makes it all go away by threatening the journalists' families.

New Projects At Kickstarter!

Kickstarter has helped hundreds of unique, innovative products that simply needed funding to get off the ground. Here are this week's newest crowdfunding projects:

• genetically modified oranges with mouths that recite words that spell with "orange"

• Finally, an organic, vegan, 100% recycled, sustainable, allergen-free, kid-and-pet-friendly, American-manufactured, non-toxic, easy-to-install, small-batch-produced, customizable, biodegradable, easy to carry, uh... what were we talking about?

• 100% STEEL PRETZELS

• A workout device that looks like a Thighmaster and works like a Thighmaster but is totally not a Thighmaster

• Weighted blankets! Oh, they make those already? Shit.

• A spatula/sexual device that's easy to clean between uses

• 3D printer that print giant, dimensional Powerpoint slides for a real WOW factor during presentations

• Soy-based anger

• Special water-based paint on puppies' fur so that they can advertise your shitty business with QR codes

• Multi-frequency Angela detector that can find the nearest Angela in your area

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"I am your new girl friend? We go to brunch?" (next 1.5 hours spent debating on where to go)

"Good evening, my fellow kink-shamed hentai furries– a reading from the Book of John Waters."

"Dying is another $10/hr."

(translated from the German) "You are a bold boy, Jim Knopf. And that is not just because you realize since this is a children's movie that you are never in any real danger."

"We got women here, guys. There's no need to touch swords!"

"All o' you ladies are fine, fine, fine. It's a shame I gotta cut you to separate the wheat from the chizzle."

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Tell me about it. Getting the shingles made me want to pray for death, too.

Why would you need to drop out of school a second time? COMMIT, kids!

Just in case you thought the whole "purp" thing was over... it's not.

This guy wins life by waiting for his wife to finish shopping in the department store's furniture section.

Josh discovered that Santa was a hippie burnout and suddenly wished he weren't real after all.

This cover seems a little puerile for a veteran rapper like Busta Rhymes. Who knows.

"Thanks, but I just brushed my teeth, and I hate that taste with OJ." *shudder*

#accidentalGoatse

Hey, look. Santa also paints!

I love this homage. No change needed.

The ProofrEADJer: Late May Edition

Ice Water Was Mad.

Ice Water was mad.

Vicks Humidifier yawned.

Mustachioed Folding Chairs tried to smile.

Blue Crate tried to hide from it all.

Tree Bag Snail looked nervous.

Refrigerator looked shocked.

Sconce and Vent avoided eye contact.

Evil Amazon Box cackled evilly.

Bearded Backpack was baffled.

Overlook Medical Center asked for a little off the top.

Hidden Play Rug Skull waited for his moment.

Three gentlemen on the roof drank from straws.

Quarter King looked sad about it all.

And the House That Looked Like Cathy just said "Ack!"

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Yes, but where is the long form certificate, Boaz?!

I don't have much to say about this one except it better fucking rhyme.

"Drillary Clinton?" On blue lipsticks? Even if you had an explanation handy, I wouldn't want to hear it.

Look, someone took one of those faxes that old people used to send each other to hang on their office walls (like that frog choking the crane trying to eat him: "NEVER GIVE UP") and turned it into a mixtape cover.

I dunno. Any Teen Wolf loses cred with me the moment he starts drinking "purp."

"I am a beautiful flower and I do not give a fuck."

Xanax giving the middle finger. Jax Briggs and Raiden from Mortal Combat. Intoxicated cartoon stars. No change on this one. 10++

WHY TRY IF KANYE DOESN'T

One thing the Maryland DMV really hates- people who burn the popcorn in the break room microwave.

SkippA dA FlippA is tellin yA he's not good with his Rs.

That time we got bored and sat on miniature shit.

I hear that wooden plank spits some serious bars.

Either this guy is stuck in a Hype Williams video from the 90s or he's looking forward to "Rogue One: A Star Wars Story."