Spotted In South Orange

An event space for people who want it catered by the Little Rascals: 

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Restaurant

"Hey Josie. What's up?"

"Hey Gerald. Just letting you know I'm taking next week off."

"What? You didn't notify me of time off. Especially since we have that wedding reception next Wednesday."

"No, I told you that I was taking the week off. Remember? I was in your office and submitted the letter and you checked the schedule and said okay."

"That doesn't sound right. I don't remember us discussing... oh, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE."

"What are you talking about?"

"No, I see what your'e doing. Turning on the tables on me now, right? GASLIGHTING the manager for a week off..."

"Not at all, Gerald. I have a copy of my notification letter right here."

"Oh, SURE. You typed this up this morning and are pretending that somehow I had that time off conversation when I clearly don't..."

"What's that, again?"

"Oh, I see my copy is right here in the file. And I blocked off the week for you on the whiteboard. I guess we did have this conversation after all."

"Told you."

"Sorry about that."

"No problem. I'll see you in two weeks!"

"Sure, see you in... WAIT, THAT'S NOT MY HANDWRITING!"

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Brewery & Restaurant...

"And here you go, folks– pardon my reach–  two triple chocolate brownies with French vanilla ice cream!"

"Yum!"

"Yes, this looks great, but he ordered this but I ordered the pineapple upside-down cheesecake."

"I wish you wouldn't do that, miss."

"Do what?"

"You're purposefully lying to confuse me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Miss, you ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream right after your friend here ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream. I distinctly remember it because I wrote it down here on my pad!"

"But I didn't..."

"Honey, if the waitress wrote it down on her pad, then you must have said it. Mmm, this is delicious!"

"Yes. YOU ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream. You never ordered the pineapple upside-down cheesecake because I never wrote down 'pineapple upside-down cheesecake' on my pad."

"But... but... maybe you wrote it down wrong?"

"Here's your check. After you pay and give me a sizable tip, I want you folks to promptly leave. Good evening."

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight...

"Okay, I'm taking off, Don."

"What? You just got here."

"No, I didn't. I'm clocking out. I've been working since 10am."

"That's not what it says on your timecard, Nathan."

"Yes, it does. Here, this is when I... What are you doing?"

"I ripped it up because the time was logged wrong. When you log your time in wrong, you get penalized, like we discussed before. Now punch in with a new card and get to work– you're doing a double shift."

"Wha..."

"No more talking. You're already working half wages for logging your time in wrong. Now GET TO WORK, NATHAN."

Meanwhile, Back At The Gaslight...

"Excuse me, sir."

"Yes?"

"I just got the bill, and it's $230 for a Coke and a tuna melt sandwich?"

"No, you ordered way more than that."

"I'm quite sure I did not."

"Yes you did. You ordered the grilled rib chop, the marinated lamb skewer, the steamed Maine mussels, the rotisserie cauliflower, the field greens with red and yellow tomatoes with crumbled feta and a roasted garlic dressing and the fruit gazpacho with watermelon, blueberries and strawberries."

"What?! This is outrageous!!!! I did nothing of the kind! It's just me and I ate a small lunch for 15 minutes!"

"You've been here for 23 minutes, ma'am, and you did manage to put it all away somehow. If you would like to see the dessert menu, I can always add that to the bill."

"... (sigh) Fine. I'll take a look."

Burning Questions For Season 4 of "Walkway To Parking", Now Available On Netflix

Season 4 of the blockbuster series "Walkway To Parking" is finally available, streaming exclusively on Netflix. Here now are some burning questions that WTP fans have been asking for over a year:

• Who is going to play Donovan now that Jussie Smollett is out?

• Did John Fogerty really play that song live in the cafe?

• When the sloth skeleton started slaughtering everyone in the Kiwanis Club meeting scene, was that CGI or a man in a suit?

• Why is this still on?

• Does Tracy's hair color change have a hidden meaning, or does anyone on set just not give a damn?

• Was that really Jim O'Heir from "Parks and Rec" playing the bass saxophone?

• Why were there so many "Goonies" reference in Season 3?

• Who directs this shit?

• Could the product placement be more obvious? I'm talking about the Blue Bonnet Margarine baby gender reveal scene in the Season 3 finale.

• WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE

And Now, A List Of A Dozen Cities In New Jersey That Sound Kind Of Dirty

• Manasquan

• Secaucus

• Sussex

• Piscataway

• Paramus

• Harding

• Ho-Ho-Kus

• Nutley

• Hackensack

• Wyckoff

• Weekhawken

• Metuchen

The Lyrics To "Rude Boy" by Rihanna Explained As If It Weren't Talking About Anything Dirty

Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: A boy who previously had been rude to Rihanna has been invited back to make amends by helping her raise a flag.

Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna wonders aloud if the rope to the flag is too tall for him to reach.

Take it, take it baby, baby
Take it, take it; love me, love me
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although she still considers the boy a "baby," he harbors a deep affection for her.

Tonight I'ma let you be the captain
Tonight I'ma let you do your thing, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: It turns out, the boy was helping Rihanna raise the flag to her boat. She has invited the boy to a nighttime trip, and has even offered to let the boy steer the boat (supervised, of course).

Tonight I'ma let you be a rider
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe
Tonight I'ma let it be fire
Tonight I'ma let you take me higher
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Surprise! Rihanna and the boy have sailed to Chincoteague Island, Virginia, a famous resort island known for its wild pony rides and supervised camping with bonfires. "Higher" refers to the many birding activities at the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge.

Tonight, baby, we could get it on, yeah, we could get it on, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Here, Rihanna has asked the boy's help getting a protective plastic tarp back on the boat.

Do you like it?
Boy, I want, want, want whatchu want, want, want
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: So many activities!

Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
What I want, want, want is what you want, want, want
Nah nah-ah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although frowned upon by the National Park Service, many campers on the island light firecrackers.

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: ...Uh... tickle fights?

I like when you tell me 'kiss you there'
I like when you tell me 'move it there'
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: The boy brought some "kissing dolls" and a chess board with him. Such a good time!

So giddy-up; time to get it up:
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: They ride ponies back to the boat and raise the sail again.

you say you a rude boy: show me what you got now
Come here right now
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna accuses the boy of stealing something from her boat and demands to see what he has behind his back. And this night was going so well!

Spotted In South Carolina

Something you typically see in South Carolina:

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 1

(cue irritating banjo music)

You'd be surprised how many lost or discarded business cards you find just lying around. These are all real people's addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses exposed out in the open, vulnerable to identity theft.

That's why we here at EADJ have developed the Project Hillbilly Teeth Project. It's a non-profit organization devoted to preemptively picking up all these lost business cards and building passes to foil identity thieves. We send a random, confusing letter to the business card owners, along with a free set of "Bubba" hillbilly teeth, just because we can. The following will show you how the Hillbilly Teeth Project works and makes a real difference in so many people's lives.


The first business card was found in a cab in Manhattan:



The second we found at a Jersey train station:



With our real estate broker, we decided to go with the apologetic "unfilled-order-with-compensation-hillbilly-teeth" approach:

(click to enlarge)

Our infectious diseases doctor offered us an opportunity for a more vocational approach. One that hinted at a job search of some kind. A North Carolina-based hospital seemed like an appropriate segue into the enclosed hillbilly teeth.

(click to enlarge)

A quick packing up, and we're reading to mail!




Since we wisely did not leave a return address of any kind, we realize that we'll never hear a 'thank you' from the people that we help. But, you know, that's not why we do it. We're doing it for the LOVE. For knowing that we've touched people's lives with hillbilly teeth. That they are just as confused as we imagine them to be.

And although this is purely speculative, here is a rendering of what I imagine Mr. M and Dr. C would look like trying on the "Bubba" hillbilly teeth:



And so ends phase 1 of Project Hillbilly Teeth. 2 down, dozens more to go.



(end irritating banjo music)

How Not To Make A State Tourism Ad

If you ever browse through a travel or airline magazine these days, you're bound to see a tourism ad for some random state in the continental U.S. Whether it's nestled in the majestic Appalachian Mountain range or spread out over the bejeweled southwest desert sands, it's probably a state that you hadn't thought of visiting before.

The problem is, even as distinctive as a lot of these states are, their tourism ads are always the same: shitty, stilted stock photos of the same crap every other tourism ad shows. Today, EADJ examines the ingredients that make up a typical tourism ad.

Okay, so here is ad X from an American Airlines in-flight magazine. We pinked out the city and state names so you couldn't call the governor's office and make fun. Notice how the diarrhea orange/brown background color complements and even highlights the unretouched skintones. And the generic photography has been compartmentalized into a neat Bento Box, which is totally American. (Also, sorry about the pube at the top of the page. It was on the scanner.)

(click to enlarge)

Ingredient 1: Generic shopping shot. To show there's boutique-y high-end shopping. Make the shot dynamic with some brand names in the crop. Or not.


Ingredient 2) Them out-of-towners like that fancy nouveau cuisine shit. So a blurry shot of some crap piled up on a tiny plate.


Ingredient 3) Feature our terrifically popular local sports team by showing a roaring crowd at a game!


Ingredient 4) Nightlife. We need nightlife. What does that mean? Beats the hell out of me. Show the shopping area at night?


Ingredient 5) Oh, yeah. We need to feature the natural beauty of the surroundings. We don't really have a geiser or a canyon. Show the lake. Yeah, the one from the crime scene. But put a classy gold frame on it, like from Olan Mills.


Ingredient 6) Booze. Show a bunch of people yakking it up at one of our bars. But not our redneck bars, because that will scare away people. Come to think of it, none of our local bars are presentable for the ad– they all have dead animals on the walls or old men crying. Hell, just show yuppies drinking at the bar at the Hyatt. And throw some colored people in there while you're at it.


Mix in all the ingredients, and you've got yourself a bonafide tourism ad for your shitty flyover state! Now, turn 'round those "OPEN" signs and be ready to accommodate all those travelers who had no choice but to pull over for the night!

Some Items At The Car Wash That I Thought Sounded Dirty

(Not pictured: Gear Shift Knob, Splashguard Trim, and Double Cup Holder)

And on a separate note, I found these decorative CDs you can hang on your rear view mirror, so people don't have to hang their regular CDs from their rear view mirror. Makes sense.



I was tempted to buy one of these and try to play it on a CD player. Much like my desire to buy some Rice Krispies Treats, disassemble them and eat them with milk.

I Have a Filthy Mind, Part 2

A well-meaning design piece about lowering your cholesterol, made hilarious by junior high-level humor. Huh huh. Huh huh huh huh huh.

Let's Slacken Up the Tight Opening of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(The above photo was sent by Andrew Gall of the Creative Department Annex. It's of a Smokey Bones restaurant, which is pretty much guaranteed to be near a Cellular South store.)

Manut Bol, Eat a Dick Jol

Joel was tearfully given a momento from the family of his former mentor Tianna: the angora rabbit's water bottle. Filled with the $200-a-bottle Bling gourmet bottled water, it was the last possession not auctioned off by Christie's this morning. Joel reportedly stayed dry-eyed until he saw that the nozzle was sort of phallic. He then slobbered and cried until he shat his cargo shorts. Tianna's former handlers were asked to clean him up.

Visionary German filmmaker Werner Herzog has shown interest in directing "DICK APPETIT: The Joel Thomas Story," a hot script which has made the rounds in recent weeks. Variety reports that Herzog would prefer to cast an unknown in the title role, saying that since Joel is pretty unknown already, he might as well jump in front of the camera. Whatever.

(pictured above, Peter K displays the new nickname Three 6 Mafia gave to him.