5 Surprises From The Hallmark Channel 'Fall-In-Love' Movie "Pumpkin Everything"

1) The fat guy with the beard wearing red was NOT Santa Claus in disguise

2) The male lead had an pumpkin-orange dong

3) The phrase "Pumpkin Everything" was a euphemism for sexual intercourse with every orifice

4) Everybody dies in the end, like in Hamlet

5) It's hard to tell but almost every actor in this production was actually a Target mannequin wearing a sweater

More Unsolicited Taglines For A Movie Nobody Watched

The Couples In Air Mattress Box Art and The Likelihood That They're Going To Bone

The Aisles of K-Mart are full of air mattresses. Not sure why I had to begin this entry with that sentence, but there you go. Intex has a different couples photo for each size of air mattress, so we decided to rank these in order of if we think they're going to bone on that thing later. Here goes:

Size: The Intex Deluxe Single High

Chemistry: Hot. Torrid. Tumid.

Likelihood They'll Bone: 100%. Full on horndog penetration already in progress.

Size: The Intex Premium Comfort Series 16"

Chemistry: Cozy, but awkward

Likelihood They'll Bone: 60%. She's probably preemptively giving him a buddy-hug to zone him out.

Size: The Intex Air Twin Bed Single

Chemistry: Simmering and smooth. ("Oh, the airbed is black, so let's get the black models!") 

Likelihood They'll Bone: 85%. My man is hiding a bottle of lube in that pillow.

Size: The Intex Classic Downy Plus

Chemistry: Stiff. Almost reclined but not quite. 

Likelihood They'll Bone: 45%. She's going home soon, and young Al Gore will be deflated.

Size: The Intex Dura-Beam Airbed

Chemistry: Dormtastically just friends. He wants to bang, but she's already thumbing through a back issue of Good Housekeeping

Likelihood They'll Bone: 0%. He should've bought a flip and fuck for the dorm lounge instead.

UAG

Know The Difference!

Vince Camuto is a brand of women's footwear and handbags, commonly associated with the Nine West Brand.

Neil Cavuto is an anchor and commentator on the Fox Business Network and also host of "Your World With Neil Cavuto and "Cavuto On Business." 

Vince Camuto shoes are known for their chunky heel and flashy colors.

Neil Cavuto is known for being a partisan hack with an anti-immigrant bias and full-of-shit leading questions.

The Vince Camuto Dita Wedge Sandal has been criticized for being too loud, flashy and impractical for everyday use. 

Neil Cavuto has been criticized for having a gigantic head that looks like a ham with a toupee and glasses.

Vince Camuto watches, clothing and accessories can be found at department stores like Nordstrom, Macy's and Dillards.

Neil Cavuto can be found interviewing such business news experts as Sarah Palin, Hugh Hefner and Fabio.

So in summary,

Vince: is cool

Neil: can go fuck his mother

I've Forgotten To Post This For A While Now

R.I.P., "Snakes On A Plane" director. And no, I'm not going to IMDb you to find out your name.