A Rebuttal of "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey From The Alleged Easy Lover, Who Incredibly, Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan Again

Previous related entry here.

Jesus. Why do creeps always come in twos? First I get called a "Maneater" because I won't sleep with two guys who buy me jalapeño poppers at a bar, now these two other losers are slut-shaming me? Shit, I'm starting to think I need to find a different bar to go to after work. A point-by-point rebuttal to Phil and Philip (who I never could tell who was who):

1) "Easy lover / She'll get a hold on you believe it" Look, I've only had 4 boyfriends in my adult life, and one was a speed date that didn't work out. And I never slept with the bald one or the black one (who is admittedly kind of cute), so this idea that I'm "easy" is beyond offensive. I think they're just bitter I didn't put out.

2) "Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees" Talk about a backhanded compliment. "Ohh! Look at the scary assertive woman who refuses your clumsy advances, so she's automatically broken your heart!" Gimme a break.

3) "She's an easy lover / She'll take your heart but you won't feel it / She's like no other / And I'm just trying to make you see" I didn't take shit, gents. I took my purse and moved to another table.

4) "She's the kind of girl you dream of / Dream of keeping hold of / You'd better forget it / You'll never get it" I actually agree with this one. Damn straight you'll never get it if you try shitty pickup lines. I don't care how funny you are, baldie.

5) She will play around and leave you / Leave you and deceive you / Better forget it / Oh you'll regret it" No no no. I did not "play around". I said "no thank you" and tried to get the bartender's attention so I could pay for my rum and Coke. I certainly wasn't going to let another pair of 80s musicians pay for my tab so they can harass me later.

6) "No you'll never change her, so leave it, leave it / Get out quick 'cause seeing is believing / It's the only way / You'll ever know" Fine. Let the losers warn each other that I'm not approachable. I'll find me a real man who can commit, like that Rick Astley.

An Open Letter To A Hardcore Band Keyboardist

Hey man. Howzit.

Look, we need to talk.

No, this isn't about your sound. It's not that. The band has seen fit to include you in their group, so you're obviously contributing to the sound. There has been plenty of precedent for bands that rock out with a keyboardist: Dio, Iron Maiden, Journey. And Van Halen's "1984" was a seminal moment in keyboard-driven metal. So what's the problem, if your sound totally rocks?

Well, the problem is with how YOU rock.



You can mount your keyboard on as many "hardcore" brackets or bang your head as hard as you want, but the fact is is that you're playing an instrument that kind of requires you to sit still with good posture. What, have you forgotten everything your piano teacher taught you when you were 11?




The fact is, the more you try to rock out alongside the bass player or the drummer, the more you look like you're a karate master about to split some planks with your forehead. That keyboard there was expensive, and you should be playing it and treating it with respect. So maybe you just need to accept the reality that you should stand (or better yet, sit) still to play your instrument properly. Or, hey, you could start playing on a key-tar. Kidding.