EADJ Surprising Hostility: Santander Bank

A new corporate bank has taken root in different parts of New York City, and it's a great time for EADJ to hate them off the bat. Santander Bank. Fuck them. Why?

Because nothing instills confidence like a cheap vinyl banner stuck over the previous bank's name. Really tells people you're in it for the long haul. Better deposit my life savings with the bank that's living out of a suitcase in case the Feds come.

The logo either looks like a plate on fire or a baby chick doing the "Thriller" dance (turn it on its side). Plus it's red and white with the word "Santa" on it. Nice borrowed interest, assholes (yes, that is a bank pun). 

So go fuck your tellers' mothers, Santander Bank. Maybe one day you too will go under and will end up as umbrella signage on a fruit cart out front. FUCK YOU

An Open Letter To A Hardcore Band Keyboardist

Hey man. Howzit.

Look, we need to talk.

No, this isn't about your sound. It's not that. The band has seen fit to include you in their group, so you're obviously contributing to the sound. There has been plenty of precedent for bands that rock out with a keyboardist: Dio, Iron Maiden, Journey. And Van Halen's "1984" was a seminal moment in keyboard-driven metal. So what's the problem, if your sound totally rocks?

Well, the problem is with how YOU rock.



You can mount your keyboard on as many "hardcore" brackets or bang your head as hard as you want, but the fact is is that you're playing an instrument that kind of requires you to sit still with good posture. What, have you forgotten everything your piano teacher taught you when you were 11?




The fact is, the more you try to rock out alongside the bass player or the drummer, the more you look like you're a karate master about to split some planks with your forehead. That keyboard there was expensive, and you should be playing it and treating it with respect. So maybe you just need to accept the reality that you should stand (or better yet, sit) still to play your instrument properly. Or, hey, you could start playing on a key-tar. Kidding.

Save the Cheerleader. Eat the Dick.

Joel is a big fan of "Heroes."

He gets hard whenever the Hiro character raises his arms. His nuts ache whenever Hayden Panetierre breaks her neck. His glans penis pulsates whenever Sendhil Ramamurthy as Mohinder Suresh does his mystical-but-not-really-saying-anything-profound voiceover.

So when Joel heard that "Heroes" was going to be back on April 23, he was so excited that he sexually molested a traffic cone and forgot to eat the dick sitting on his TV tray. Joel took the rest of the day rebuilding the James Kyson Lee shrine that he had knocked over in his excitement.

But seriously, "Heroes" is pretty cool.

(pictured above, filling in for Pat Hanna, Tyra comments on Jessica's latest KeyBank newspaper layout)