Raining Blood and Containing Bud

Spotted on FB, a Slayer + Igloo product tie-in:

Fancy a refreshing beverage whilst burning in Hell?

Fiverr Comes Through Yet Again

You may remember an earlier post about Fiverr, and I considered getting an EADJ brutal death metal logo. Well, here it is.

A brutal death metal logo to go with my Eat A Dick Joel metal scream? Yes please!

And within a few days, I got my glorious EADJ metal logo:

Illegible and definitely not huggable! BRUTAL!

The EADJ Fiverr Experiment: Next Steps

So Fiverr refunded me the $110 since whatshername refused to provide a service that I paid for (grrrrr). Well, actually, no. They didn't refund me so much as give me a CREDIT to use for other Fiverr services. And the good news was, there are a lot of cheaper options, so I can hire a bunch of them!

Sweet! So I pulled the trigger on the Colorado cabin writer (????) for a five-spot, and then I hired this dude:

I hired him to make a death metal logo that says EAT A DICK JOEL!

And you know what? This gent promptly wrote me back, asking me to name death metal band logos I like for reference so he can get started! Ain't that a peach? So I sent him these three:

Those logos say "Defeated Sanity," "Gurglectomy" and "Heathen Hammer," but you probably already knew that. Boy, my mood on this Fiverr Experiment got a lot better since Mrs. "I Will Write For Your Blog". Things are looking up! *Walks away whistling*

Behold, As We Brutally Assign Real Death Metal Band Names To Each Person In The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo

(Editor's Note: Play this song while reading)

Unleash the unholy, consume the damned, and feast on the entrails of death metal as we pair up members of the New Jersey Transit brochure photo with real life death metal band names.

1) "Jesse" = INACTIVE MESSIAH

Jesse's lack of engagement and sitting like a lump has earned him the same name as the Greek melodic death metal band, founded in Athens, and unsurprisingly known for letting their domain name payments lapse, leaving it vulnerable to a Chinese takeover.

Runner up: Painstruck

2) "Jess" = RIBSPREADER

Jess was given the band name Ribspreader for no other reason than she was doing something odd with her hands down by her ribs. Not really much to elaborate with here, other than Ribspreader is a Swedish death metal band whose albums include "Bolted To The Cross" and "Congregating The Sick."

Runner up: Hatebeak

3) "Angie" = BEHEADED

Beheaded is a death metal band from Malta who released the appropriately titled album "Recounts of Disembodiment."

Runners up: Decapitated, Dismember, and Cephalic Carnage

4) "Trina" = THE CHASM

No mystery why we paired Trina with The Chasm. Look at that cleave.

Runner Up: Goatwhore

5) "Don With The Thumbs" = DESPISED ICON

Don, the self proclaimer, the self promoter, the "this guy" earns himself the new nickname Despised Icon. The band is a deathcore group from Montreal, Quebec and is notable for the use of two vocalists: Alexandre Erian, who takes use of a mid-range screaming technique and Steve Marois for the low growling vocals.

Runners up: Infernäl Mäjesty, Ebony Tears

6) "Simon Peter" = STRAPPING YOUNG LAD

The ineffectual Simon Peter gets a death metal overhaul via association with an Canadian "extreme metal band" from Vancouver, British Columbia. Strapping Young Lad started as Devin Townsend's one-man studio project but then didn't. They broke up in 2012.

Runner up: NonExist

An Open Letter To A Hardcore Band Keyboardist

Hey man. Howzit.

Look, we need to talk.

No, this isn't about your sound. It's not that. The band has seen fit to include you in their group, so you're obviously contributing to the sound. There has been plenty of precedent for bands that rock out with a keyboardist: Dio, Iron Maiden, Journey. And Van Halen's "1984" was a seminal moment in keyboard-driven metal. So what's the problem, if your sound totally rocks?

Well, the problem is with how YOU rock.



You can mount your keyboard on as many "hardcore" brackets or bang your head as hard as you want, but the fact is is that you're playing an instrument that kind of requires you to sit still with good posture. What, have you forgotten everything your piano teacher taught you when you were 11?




The fact is, the more you try to rock out alongside the bass player or the drummer, the more you look like you're a karate master about to split some planks with your forehead. That keyboard there was expensive, and you should be playing it and treating it with respect. So maybe you just need to accept the reality that you should stand (or better yet, sit) still to play your instrument properly. Or, hey, you could start playing on a key-tar. Kidding.