An Incomplete List of Things Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

In addition to ruling the pop charts for over a decade, Ariana Grande will have you believe she is the cutest thing EVAR. We respectfully disagree with Ms. Grande and instead offer these things that are easily cuter than her:

• Japanese mascots for tissue paper

• Single Chiclets

• Children wearing little cowboy duster coats

• Miniature corn impaled on regular-sized corn cob holders

• A catfish wearing a bonnet

• Travel sized nose hair trimmers

• The Funko Pop figure of Ariana Grande

Aaron Rodgers Ad

I guess if you've torn your Achilles, you sit on your ass and make shoe advertisements and look sternly at the camera DARING people to criticize you.

 

In Many Photos, Country Music Recording Artist Luke Bryan Looks Like He Walked Into A Lame Party And Immediately Wants To Leave

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 14, 2018

Hello all. Grace from HR here. 

The original intent of this email is to notify you all of the new job numbers (see below) that you're supposed to fill out by end of day today so that we can process our billing and we can all get paid.

But the second thing I'd like to discuss with you is the improper language that I've been hearing around the break room and kitchen area. I would urge everyone to stop using the terms "tittyfucking", "dickslapping", "cum dumpster", "blumpkin", "meatspin", "faggotry", "blue waffle", "tubgirl", "queef", "smegma", "sharting", and "no lube ass raping". Also, whoever is posting fake flyers about employee training that direct you to goatse.cx, please stop it.

Here are the job numbers for you animals:

83552: Asking for help with a CapriSun

59925: Getting a case of the giggles

19473: Stinking to high heaven

25825: Asking you about your grandchildren

10023a: Pursing your lips

10023b: Lipping your purse

55725: Applying for a job at Circuit City or Toys Я Us

36332: NOT dropping it like it's hot

85018: Staying friends after the breakup

79123: Renewing your hand modeling contract

60628: Googling how to spell "Matthew McConaughey" YET AGAIN

The Proofreadjer, Indian Summer Edition

And this one stolen from my friend Barry's Facebook:

Opening Soon: The EADJ Gerund Film Festival!

EADJ is announcing the EADJ Gerund Film Festival (sponsored by ING), a thrilling and exciting new happening featuring films that are either currently running or are playing on Netflix. Here are the current offerings:

The event will be starting August 13 and running until August 15. After the first screening, there will be another showing and back to-back signings with Eli Manning, Sybil Danning, Dakota Fanning, and Annette Bening. Those hoping for another helping are being invited to participating in the "Taking" Gerund Film Mini-Film Festival, featuring:

Okay, some of these weren't strictly gerunds. Fuck it.

Click here for more information.

A Dose of Randomness

Beth Stone called our attention to a Hallmark store on 40th and Madison that featured some pretty random shit. Like a giraffe playing keyboard (this is before that Samberg SNL skit aired) and a pumpkin wearing a shirt saying "bonjour."


This, however, was the coup de grace:



Like, what the fuck.

Shorter. Fatter. Resembles Scott Peterson.

EADJ has learned that Josh Witherspoon spotted The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson over three weeks ago but neglected to report it. That pretty much amounts to a felony in Illinois.

Josh described being actually "shocked" to see the SFVOSP in the elevator, likening the experience to spotting a celebrity.

Josh's experience adds some stunning new information about the SFVOSP: He apparently is named "Mr. Wood," and he works on the 19th floor, not the 23rd floor as reported before.

Josh's name has now been added to the list of people at the bottom of this page who have spotted The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson.

(pictured above, Josh's drawing of the SFVOSP, which will be on my refrigerator very soon)


***SFVOSP UDATE***

Andrew Gall also spotted Mister Wood two days ago. Here is his account:

"Fleeting moment with the SFVOSP as he exited the elevator. He was dressed up today, wearing a pink shirt and tie with tan pants. Looked both festive and professional."

EADJ regrets not posting this sooner and now wishes it weren't a felony.