Your Timesheets For This Week

TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE

FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::

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WASSUP BITCHES

TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

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53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting

This Week's Least Used Twitter Hashtags

A certain Republican presidential candidate is on Twitter a lot. Which says a lot about how much Twitter sucks (and he sucks). But even then, Twitter has standards and has used some hashtags more than others. Here now are the worst of the worst hashtags, which you can use in your own private Twittersphere:

#kiwitits

#VRporncuddling

#goingbacktomyspace

#ISISlowerbacktat

#lemonpepperballgag

#nickelbacktributeband

#subwaysandwichpube

#goosesteppingdowntheaisle

#malala'sinstagramselfies

#eatingorangeslicesbecauseyouasked

#myyoutubechannelisalljustvideosofmepoppingzits

#madeagoestothewrongbathroombeginningthedebateoftransgenderrights

A List of Shows That Will Be Taken Down From Netflix In October

Netflix has announced the latest round of movies and TV shows that will no longer be available at the end of September because of contract disputes or trade embargoes or whatever. Here's what to watch on Netflix before you're forced to switch over to Hulu (what a friggin' hassle, right?):

Movies
Tyler Perry's SMH
Steampunk Gardener
The Bourne Conjugation
Tweakier
The Reanimated Undead Zombie Groupon Riot
Uber Romances (Rom. Comedy)
2 Actresses Whose Name You Forget Pretend To Be Cops In a Tiresome Comedy
"Minority Report, The Series," The Motion Picture
Aunt Margaret's Candy Dish (Horror)
Tough Titty
Craft Service Tables That John Travolta Has Enjoyed (Documentary Series)
Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN
Gooby II

TV Shows
The Lance Bass Experiment, Seasons 1-3
Adult Swim's Fuckerfuck & The Pine Cone Cockcunts
Shark Tank, Season 2, 5, 6, and 8
Ken Burns Documentary Series: The Origin of "Yo Mamma" Jokes
America's Got Type 2 Diabetes
Rarities Series: Carol Burnett Skits Where Tim Conway Didn't Crack Up
Uber Romances, The Series
Prison Game show: Shank My Prag
Playboy's Sexiest Notary Publics In Ohio
Ignoring The Kardashians
Mama Weer All Crazy Now, The Musical Series
Asperger's + Hidden Cameras
Blackjak, The Black Kojak