This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Is that Bob Marley as the Virgin Mary? Is that BIRDMAN as JESUS? Okay... pass.

Nothing more luxurious than owning a private island shaped after your shitty tag from middle school.

Is that BIRDMAN as HITLER?

This is all fine, but who keeps bananas near the tub?

That awkward morning after where you just hope she goes back to her cave.

"No art school training?! You don't say!"

This what it looks like when you shoot a porno at a Picture People studio.

... and still no sign of talent.

Featuring the hit single "So What, No Fuckin' Ziti Now? (ft. Pitbull)"

The wicked enchantress turned the arrogant young prince into a middling rapper, whose curse could only be broken by multiple visits by the lovely and beautiful Spotify.

A Happy Mother's Day Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

 

 

I did not check the accuracy of this posting. It is however worth knowing.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Three women in North Florida turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma.

Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant (Olive Garden) within days of their deaths. The Health Department descended on the restaurant , shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail..

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check.

She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat .

Under the seat, out of normal view , was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up at a hospital emergency room.Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home.He did NOT visit (Olive Garden), while there. He did (as did all of the other victims) have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .

The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata)spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be any where in the world .

So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life!

Please pass this on to everyone you care about.

Spotted in "Matters" Magazine

This innocuous ad for the South Orange Family Dentistry shows a couple of mascots encouraging kids to brush their teeth.

But upon closer inspection, I realized that both the toothpaste and the tooth HAD TEETH. So not only is the toothpaste about to brush its teeth, the TOOTH IS BRUSHING ITS TEETH. 

Are both the toothpaste and the tooth brushing their teeth with the toothpaste coming from the toothpaste? Isn't that some kind of sick cannibalistic sexual thing now? Would the toothpaste that the toothpaste is using to brush its teeth just wind up back in the tube? Is there anything more beautiful than a child's smile?

THE TOOTH IS BRUSHING ITS TEETH. SLEEP WELL, KIDS.