Merry Christmas 2020 From EADJ

From all of us at Eat A Dick Joel- from the editorial staff, the fact checkers, the proofrEADJers, the photographers, the science desk, the illustrators and cartoonists, the local correspondents, the city hall desk, the publishers, printers, paper suppliers, distributors, paper boys and classified desk- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We appreciate you for somehow continuing to read this publication.

Meanwhile, Back At the Gaslight

"Excuse me, sir."

"Yes?"

"We're ready to order now."

"You already ordered, and you ordered the salads."

"No, we didn't. We've been sitting here for 10 minutes and you never took our order."

"Where did you get a crazy idea like that? I took your order, lady."

"No, I think somehow you're mistaken..."

*SIGH* "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? You ordered the salad but now have second thoughts so you accuse me of never having taken your order. You just can't be straight with me and admit what you're doing."

"We ordered the salad?"

"YES! See? I told you you ordered the salad! Now did you still want dressing on the side like you said or are you going to flake out on me and change that shit, too?"

The More You Ignore Me The Pathmark I Get

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness: Purp & Big Butt Edition

Who needs height to win the NBA Finals when you have grape Kool-Aid and $60?

DJ Power is apparently on every social media platform. Too bad he considers the Beebs "hip hop."

So confused.

This is so stupid that it's semi-perfect. Keep as is.

Raheem Dixon. Interplanetary real estate agent.

Imagine being so dope that you can balance a clip art drawing of a train on your dick.

That's not a peace sign. He's spreading that poor miniature woman's ass cheeks apart.

I'm no Sith, but I'm pretty sure you don't hold a lightsaber like a baseball bat, with the blade so close to your head.

I'm not sure who superimposed clipart art wings on either side of these girls' asses, but it was a poetic touch.

The poor tattoo artist who had to spend 15+ hours inking dumb smudges on that girl's enormous butt.

It's smart to put that many production company logos at the bottom, because then Disney won't know who to start suing.

SNAKES CAN SLITHER WHERE THE FUCK THEY WANT WHEN JUNGLE TAKES OVER

The streetwise light blue M&M as voiced by Paul Wall.

Pretty impressive to write your last name just by blowing your nose.

P is for Purp. That's good enough for... ah fuck.

Your P.O.I.S. will be downgraded to P.O.S. when your state votes that medical marijuana, when properly distributed at licensed dispensaries, is no longer an illegal substance.

The outskirts of town is a terrible place to push your broken nose back into place.

Space Heater Expressions

The Holmes Y-78 felt pretty good about the weather getting colder.

The Emerson Duo-5 wasn't sure he was ready.

The Holmes Ceramic Oscillating Heater was all, "Come on guys! Let's do this!"

His brother, the Holmes Humidifer, was reluctant, however.

And so was the Holmes Cool Mist Humidifier.

The Hoomes Calefactor didn't take sides and was just chiiiiilll about everything.

The GE Housetech 8 was just THRILLED to be working again!

The McDougal 77V-45 wanted to kill something.

"Noooo!" urged the Matrosy Ambient Room Heater.

"YOU GUYS IS ALL CRAZY!" laughed the Peterman Elite Room Heater.

EADJ's Mission To Spot All Of The Avengers On The NYC Subway

The Agents of E.A.D.J. are happy to report that we have spotted two more of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" on the New York City transit subway system since our last report.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Dr. Bruce Banner was not spotted, but his angry gamma ray incarnation the Hulk was spotted on a transit poster giving his seat to an elderly woman. It's impressive the Hulk can be a gentleman when he's not smashing two air craft carriers together. HULK RESPECT ELDERS!!!!

THE BLACK WIDOW

Now I know it doesn't look like it in this photo, but this commuter was clearly a redhead. And bedecked in her signature skintight black outfit, it was clear this was S.H.I.E.L.D. operative Natalia Romanova, known as Black Widow within the Avengers team.

It must have been Natalia's day off, because instead of combat boots and a utility belt, she went with some open toed flats and a striped tote bag. And she was using her iPhone to either listen in on some covert black ops chatter or to "Roar" by Katy Perry.

Stay tuned while we continue searching for a guy with long blond hair, a white guy wearing red, white and blue, and possibly a black guy in an eyepatch? We can only hope!!!! Stay tuned, true believers!

Yard Waste Bin Was Happy

Yard Waste Bin was happy about something.

Microwave was unhappy about it.

Diaper Bins At Babies Я Us were unenthused about it.

Shopping carts were dispassionate about it.

Airplane Tray Table Latch liked it for evil reasons.

Dunkin Donuts Sign Base was appalled, however.

Wall Bracket was shocked.

Hot Dog Vendor Cooler was okay with it.

Diaper Genie Box was outraged. Outraged!

Building thought it was a big deal, too.

Parking Lot markings didn't give a shit.

Neither did Left Flip Flop.

Burger King Window Cling was all 'bleghhhh' about it.

Water Fountain smugly kept his opinion to himself.

Soda Bottle Crate was dismayed.

Luxury Toilet Paper Fixtures was angry about it.

Parking Meter thought it all was pretty cool.