Okay, Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Hi gang-

As you all are painfully aware, Donovan quit last week. I do realize that it left the rest of us with pretty heavy workloads to make up for it, and I appreciate you all pitching in to help out.

That being said, the new assignments you took on have job numbers, meaning you have to fill in the appropriate hours so that we can bill the clients and get paid to run off to Vegas.

Please use these job numbers when filling out your timesheets (due at EOD TODAY!!!!):


83295 - Erasing "Brazzers" from your browser history

33023 - Telling Donna "what's up"

91662a - Finding the goddamned White Out

91662b - Explaining to others what White Out is

055409 - Farting in the break room so that the burnt microwave popcorn hides the smell

47478 - Conference call with 98º's manager re: reunion tour

73700 - Wondering why they still keep reams of ledger paper around

29174 - Saying 'hey' to the boss in the bathroom even though you know he's taking a shit

88835 - Ordering breadsticks

18434 - Linking In with the cleaning lady

73737 - Imagining a ninja coming in to slaughter everyone in your status meeting

62406 - Forgetting you hit "print" on a 245-page Powerpoint

21282 - Opening the dirty bathroom door with your foot like a pussy

24042 - Longing for Rita even though she's engaged

38565 - Standing back and admiring your giant Skeletor made of Post-Its

EADJ Christmas Gift Guide: Purchasing The Right Katy Perry Perfume For Your Dog

Does your dog eat lots of table scraps with meat, causing him to emit long, wet farts that stay in your curtains for weeks? Katy Perry recommends her Killer Queen scent, an empowering and regal fragrance that hides dog farts with nobility and imperial magnificence!

Katy Perry Royal Revolution literally overthrows her previous release Killer Queen off the throne, forcing the queen to bow and beheads her in front of a bloodthirsty crowd of peasants. It's also a great scent for covering up the ammonia stains your Welsh Corgis will leave all over the velvet pillows when they watch their momma get guillotined.

Did your dachshund vomit all those Fig Newtons after you left the package open on the couch? Fear not, idiot. Katy Perry's Mad Potion will cleverly make that puke stain smell like dark magic- with a hint of musk and something we call "Katy taint," your couch will smell (but not look) like new!

And Now, A List Of A Dozen Cities In New Jersey That Sound Kind Of Dirty

• Manasquan

• Secaucus

• Sussex

• Piscataway

• Paramus

• Harding

• Ho-Ho-Kus

• Nutley

• Hackensack

• Wyckoff

• Weekhawken

• Metuchen

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Kix Cereal

Hey Kix Cereal, FUCK YOU.


Ever since I was a little kid, Kix Cereal, your box has grabbed my attention with wacky, fun looking lettering and bright colors, promising a fun and sugar-filled Saturday morning. WRONG.

Let me just say that there is NOTHING fun about you as a cereal. Kix is basically Trix with all the coloring and sugar sapped out of it: small, beige round pieces that aren't even big enough to make a satisfying crunch. I'm sure this is the shit they palm off on the Trix Rabbit whenever he comes round Jonesing for the good stuff.


"Kid-Tested, Mother Approved" is the slogan they've been touting for decades. Notice they never said "Kid-Approved" or "Kid-Appreciated." Instead, they "tested" this stuff on kids like they're guinea pigs in some insidious government experiment about the opposite of fun. And for those of you who like your boring with berry taste, try new Berry Berry Kix! It's the same amount of disappointment and ennui-in-a-bowl, but with the faint flavor of berry to further frustrate you!

Kix, go to hell and suck m'balls.

You Know, You Don't Need an iPhone Application For That.

Pictured above, a total waste of two bucks.
Hell, I'm saving two bucks as we speak.

A Conversation I Had With Chad Kroeger From Nickelback After Waking Up In His Arms One Morning

"Good morning."
"Hi."
"What time is it?"
"11:22."
"Aren't you Chad Kroeger From Nickelback?"
"Yeah."
"What happened last night?"
"Nothing. I'm pretty sure we just spooned."
"Oh."
(awkward pause)
"Why did we spoon?"
"Who knows. These things just happen."
"Just so you know, I'm not gay."
"Well, neither am I."
"That did feel nice, though."
"Yeah, didn't it?"
(another awkward pause)
"You know your music fucking sucks, right?"
"Don't ruin the moment."

Exeunt