UAG

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of Sept 21-25

Hello all. This is Gary Helmwell from Mebane, NC. I'm an old college friend of your CEO James Sinper, or as we. used to call him, "Snipper" LOL. Since James has started his sentence in Federal prison for the thing he did (which he still denies), he neglected to inform anyone except me that job numbers are required for all you employees to fill out timesheets in order to get paid. Now, why would he tell me that and not someone on staff? Snipper be crazy like that, I guess LOL. Anyhoo, here are the job numbers you'll need.

83009: Explaining the difference between Spanish and Portuguese to a tourist

21312: Fetching the smelling salts, posthaste

44821: Watching someone play Skitch on the Switch on Twitch

02944: Suffering

73242: Getting over yourself

90017: Acc-ent-uating the positive

83533: "Doing my own research" about Covid

21776: Speed-reading the Kama Sutra

61399: How we do

05244: Apologizing for your crazy sister

And Now, A List Of A Dozen Cities In New Jersey That Sound Kind Of Dirty

• Manasquan

• Secaucus

• Sussex

• Piscataway

• Paramus

• Harding

• Ho-Ho-Kus

• Nutley

• Hackensack

• Wyckoff

• Weekhawken

• Metuchen

The Lyrics To "Rude Boy" by Rihanna Explained As If It Weren't Talking About Anything Dirty

Come here, rude boy, boy; can you get it up?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: A boy who previously had been rude to Rihanna has been invited back to make amends by helping her raise a flag.

Come here rude boy, boy; is you big enough?
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna wonders aloud if the rope to the flag is too tall for him to reach.

Take it, take it baby, baby
Take it, take it; love me, love me
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although she still considers the boy a "baby," he harbors a deep affection for her.

Tonight I'ma let you be the captain
Tonight I'ma let you do your thing, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: It turns out, the boy was helping Rihanna raise the flag to her boat. She has invited the boy to a nighttime trip, and has even offered to let the boy steer the boat (supervised, of course).

Tonight I'ma let you be a rider
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe
Tonight I'ma let it be fire
Tonight I'ma let you take me higher
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Surprise! Rihanna and the boy have sailed to Chincoteague Island, Virginia, a famous resort island known for its wild pony rides and supervised camping with bonfires. "Higher" refers to the many birding activities at the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge.

Tonight, baby, we could get it on, yeah, we could get it on, yeah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Here, Rihanna has asked the boy's help getting a protective plastic tarp back on the boat.

Do you like it?
Boy, I want, want, want whatchu want, want, want
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: So many activities!

Give it to me, baby like boom, boom, boom
What I want, want, want is what you want, want, want
Nah nah-ah
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Although frowned upon by the National Park Service, many campers on the island light firecrackers.

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: ...Uh... tickle fights?

I like when you tell me 'kiss you there'
I like when you tell me 'move it there'
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: The boy brought some "kissing dolls" and a chess board with him. Such a good time!

So giddy-up; time to get it up:
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: They ride ponies back to the boat and raise the sail again.

you say you a rude boy: show me what you got now
Come here right now
Perfectly Not-Dirty Explanation: Rihanna accuses the boy of stealing something from her boat and demands to see what he has behind his back. And this night was going so well!

RUN!

(pictured below, Gambino terrorizes a small neighborhood in the Bronx)