Infowars Presents More Conspiracy Stories That Only Their Dumb Listeners Will Believe

The brilliant writers and Alex Jones are working tirelessly to bring their viewers and listeners all the latest nutjob bullshit. Here are some stories they're working on:

• American Girl Place is run by Al Qaeda operatives who use dolls to indoctrinate American families with pro-multicultural, globalist propaganda

• McDonald's Grimace shakes were made from toxic runoff from Salvadorian plastic factories, the same factories that made your mom's sex toys

• Invisible, noiseless drones are responsible for making every tree shed leaves in America. The drones are all controlled by Zach Galifianakis in a bunker somewhere

• Car washes offer free pine tree air fresheners because they secretly have listening chips to monitor your drive-thru preferences to sell to marketers

• There used to be a letter in the alphabet between G and H but it was suppressed by the Korean-American community because it resembled their symbol for "control"

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Restaurant

"Hey Josie. What's up?"

"Hey Gerald. Just letting you know I'm taking next week off."

"What? You didn't notify me of time off. Especially since we have that wedding reception next Wednesday."

"No, I told you that I was taking the week off. Remember? I was in your office and submitted the letter and you checked the schedule and said okay."

"That doesn't sound right. I don't remember us discussing... oh, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE."

"What are you talking about?"

"No, I see what your'e doing. Turning on the tables on me now, right? GASLIGHTING the manager for a week off..."

"Not at all, Gerald. I have a copy of my notification letter right here."

"Oh, SURE. You typed this up this morning and are pretending that somehow I had that time off conversation when I clearly don't..."

"What's that, again?"

"Oh, I see my copy is right here in the file. And I blocked off the week for you on the whiteboard. I guess we did have this conversation after all."

"Told you."

"Sorry about that."

"No problem. I'll see you in two weeks!"

"Sure, see you in... WAIT, THAT'S NOT MY HANDWRITING!"

The ProofrEADJer, October Eve Edition

"Cuttlet? Warp? Pappaer?"

Dear Prudents, you misspelled "Prudential."

"Health Smack." As in if you're hungry for junk food, they'll slap you silly.

UAG

A Seriously Half-Assed Garage Sale

The lovely neighbors on our street in Jersey are some lazy motherfuckers. They refuse to turn off their car alarm- which goes off at all hours, and they never answer the door when you knock on it to complain about the noise.

So it's only natural that they hold the laziest garage sale known to the Western world– without putting a single piece of furniture or table out to show merchandise, they simple got someone to open the garage door, put up a tiny sign on the stairs (that doesn't even face passing cars) and hope for the best while checking their cell phone messages. Needless to say, people weren't beating the door down to scoop up these outrageous prices.

You'll notice how a week later, they upped their game and got a SECOND sign. Man, they are racking up the receipts now.

Stay tuned next week for the latest developments in whether anyone will notice and buy that heavy bag. My money's on 'no.'

*** Edit: I just compared the two photos again, and I realized that second sign was there the FIRST week. They simply got a TALLER STICK for it! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! ADVERTISING!