♪ Deck The Hall With Racist Appliances ♫

I actually can't believe this segment has had so many legs.

Meanwhile In Jersey

EADJ Surprising Hostility: "Magic" Wine Holder

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
-Arthur C. Clarke, "Profiles of The Future", 1961


Today we direct our enmity towards any cantilever-style or so-called "magic" wine holder.

Why? Well, it's hard to articulate exactly what's so fucking annoying about these things, but here's a general walk-through of the logic of any person who buys one:

1) Oh wow! Look at that wine bottle holder! It makes it look like the bottle is floating!

2) But how does it work? Magic?!

3) Oh, I see! The piece of wood forces the heavy bottle to act as a counter-balance, and the angle of the base of the wood ensures the stability of the cantilever! How surprising and utterly elegant!

4) I've got to decorate my condo with this wine holder! This will both show off how sophisticated I am and baffle my douchebag friends!


So people who buy these things aren't only idiots when it comes to basic physics, but they're also eager to show off the fancy bottle of wine they bought.

When it comes to level of taste, I think I'd have to categorize the "magic" wine bottle holder with Patrick Nagel prints, halogen lamps, and those posters that have a rose on some piano keys.

Meet Lucy, the World's Largest Elephant Who Hates You

Behold Lucy. Lucy is the World's Largest Concrete Elephant-Shaped Tourist Trap located in beautiful Margate, New Jersey. And Lucy hates you all.


Built in a shitty, unstable location? Check. Used as a hotel for drunk guido assholes? Check. Inexplicable historical status to turn it into a begrudging eyesore landmark? Check. Lucy hates you all.


*1 Who hates you

*2 A smaller town of assholes that's at least removed from a town full of way bigger assholes

*3 The U.S. Department of the Interior approved my landmark status as a joke. But who's laughing now, G-men? Fuckers.

*4 Sure, bring the little licebags and tell them it's Disneyland. I actually revel in their disappointment.


*5 But Lucy wishes a painful death upon you and all your family.

*6 From up here, you can see the roads that lead you out of this godforsaken shithole.

*7 We fenced it up because we figured parents who consider me actual entertainment aren't really good at parenting to begin with.

*8 A lot of older people have turned their ankles on my spiral staircase. One guy had a stroke. That made my day.

*9 Note number 8. That guy did die after two months.

*10 WTF. Friggin' teachers bring their students to me as if I'm some kind of anatomically correct model. Pretty useless schools in Margate, NJ anyway. They're all going to end up working at the casino in Atlantic City. Truth hurts.


*11 Believe it or not, several guys have proposed in my "howdah." The women all said "no," as they should. Good for you, gals for having taste.

*12 They sealed up the eyes in 1987 when people kept pissing out onto my trunk.

*13 I hear that pun from Jimmy, the tour guide about 400 times a day. I despise him, too.

*14 The "museum" is actually four framed photos of me in better days, plus a postcard rack. Hannah behind the counter is getting a divorce.


*15 The change in schedule depends on if it rained the night before. I leak and flood like a motherfucker, but at least it rinses out the vomit stains.


*16 Coupon not good at this location. Fuck you!

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Pool Noodles

Today we put the hate on the floating abomination that is the pool noodle.

Word has it, this is the only floating toy accepted in public pools and water parks nowadays. The larger lounge-type rafts are prohibited because I guess dumb kids can be caught underneath one? Or that the rafts are considered too big for a publicly shared space? Whatever the reason, the shitty flaccid pool noodle is now here to stay to "teach you to swim."


Now, how exactly are you supposed to learn how to swim while straddling with a big flaccid floating dong? Number one, I think that's sick, and number two, I just peed in the pool again. Feel that warmth.



The only fun that can be had with a pool noodle is out of the water, where you're beating the piss out of your friends while they're trying to hold a margarita and tell you about their new timeshare in Belize. Take that, boring conversation!

New York. The Most Exciting City in The World.

Spotted on the northbound 4 train, a guy psychs himself up to deliver some balloons.