The EADJ Pun Police: Parliamentary Sergeant At Arms Edition

*gavel is struck*

The 45th Pun Society Society will now come to order. The honorable Judge Joel Thomas presiding. Secretary of Treasury Kinshasa Malou in attendance. And Acting Sergeant Of Arms William Toriff standing in for Greg Brisbane, who was injured in a parasailing incident last week.

First order of business: an item submitted by Tom Weingard:

I'm sorry, Councilman Hardy, I know it is awful but you do not have the floor. Speaker Randagall has made a motion to incinerate this ad in an oil drum. All in favor? The ayes have it.

*gavel is struck*

Our second item comes from a newsletter from Midtown Comics:

Yes, Speaker Gurhy, I understand how terrible this pun is. That is why the committee is acting upon it now. And Speaker Erhardnt, please do not have sidebar discussions while a motion is active. I will have no choice but to issue you two demerits.

Item three is a bus side advertisement.

For those of you in the back of the chamber, the tagline for this ad for The Rachel Zoe Show reads "Fashion From Head To Zoe." All in favor of driving the bus into the nearby rock quarry and setting off dynamite to bury it forever? The ayes have it. Here are the keys, Marshall Stonebridge.

Item four is a souvenir t-shirt from the Czech Republic:

Oh, we cannot vote on any items that are presented sideways? Damn.

Item five comes to us from a mall in New Jersey:

*gavel is struck*

Ladies, and gentlemen, I do realize that many of you are growing restless as this meeting has gone longer than anticipated, but I assure you that this is almost the end. Those of you who remain standing will be ejected and barred from attending the next three meetings. That includes you, Speaker Harrimann.

Ahem. Item six. 

All in favor of ignoring? Ayes, 48. Nays 12.

Item seven, spotted on Flickr:

*gavel is struck many times*

Order! Order! I will have order here, people! Yes, I know it doesn't make any sense. No, I don't know if that's supposed to be Leonard Nimoy or Zachary Quinto- you have to present that question to the committee as a... EVERYBODY, STOP PUSHING FOR THE EXITS!

*loses gavel, starts crying*

6 Lies Told By A Thai Massage Brochure From The Czech Republic

 

1) "Massage" LOL

2) What they don't tell you is that the woman fourth from the left in the back row is actually John Leguizamo doing a hilarious new sketch comedy/hidden camera show. You signed the waiver!

 

3)  "Improves waste secretion." I never heard of getting a tug job to make you more regular, but different strokes, I guess... Pun intended.

4) WELCOME! (no cops)

 

5)  There's no one who bowls at this bowling alley because everyone's either giving or getting a hand job.

6) There's no one drinking from these watered down liquor bottles because everyone's either giving or getting a hand job.

EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies" series has been turned into an interactive multimedia exhibit at the "LEARN!" section of the Liberty Science Center in Newark, New Jersey. Here, the curious can experience "hands on" lessons with fascinating, expensive displays. Homebound people (like shut-ins or agoraphobics) can Skype with a "6 Lies" specialist to enjoy the exhibit at home. The "6 Lies" exhibit runs from April 20-November 11. Sponsored by Mayflower Moving Company: "Box It and Get It Moving On The Road Today!"

Let's Add Soy Sauce To The EADJ Mail Sack Even Though The Waiter Told Us It Didn't Need It!

Submitted by Jason Rogers via MMS, a brand of microbrew that really speaks to me:


That is one happy looking sprig of hops.

I thought about saving this for the EADJ Pun Cops, but gah.

The Dumbest Things For Sale At The Salem Witch Museum

So last week I was in Boston, and I had a chance to visit the Witch Museum in Salem, Massachusetts.

At the end of the shitty tour, of course there was a gift shop, replete with witch paraphernalia: witch hats, witch t-shirts, brooms, noses, black cat figurines, etc. etc. etc.:


But in addtition to these tchotchkes, I found a series of totally random, unrelated merchandise:




Come to think of it, Kanye West does make absolutely perfect sense.

The EADJ Winter Fashion Show

It's time once again to walk and turn sassily down the runway with one hand on your hip, because EADJ is featuring the fashion industry's most popular winter offerings. Here's what to look out for in the salons this winter:


Kelsey shows her support of Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum in a full-sized silkscreened top from Armory Limited. Now she can have a World Series winner pitching directly from the mound of her round ass! And at $189.99 each, it's no wonder Kelsey's going back to the ATM!


"The Matrix" was a very popular movie in 1999, but don't tell Marjorie that! In a vinyl trenchcoat and knee-high boots, she's ready to both dodge bullets in slow motion and text her adult son to pick up some Sweet And Low from Albertson's.


Falling asleep on the subway platform with a fishing rod is fun again, as Richard demonstrates in a blue softball t-shirt and urban loafers from Globus.


Picking up where Marjorie left off, Heloise shows off her take on the Matrix "Trinity" look in a shiny faux leather dress with special saddle patches to compensate for her hippiness. Now watch her step out in these Glad Bags... I mean, glad rags! The leather purse with a gold chain and the hooker heels finish the ensemble with a giant "Wha?"


White, grey grey grey, white. That's the general take-away Frederic leaves you with as he slouches in this leatherette outfit from Goulashe. When standing upright, he even resembles a generic Q-Tip.


No one takes a dump in a trash can quite like the Yankees, and Earl displays his fandom in a black jacket with bedazzled multi-color Yankees logos.


And here's Milo in the dressier, no-logo version.


Barack Obama proudly wears a leather jacket displaying the seal of his office, letting everyone in Penn Station that he is the Commander In Chief, and you should not step to him.