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Some Hollywood Superhero Movies Based On The Names of Glitter Tattoos

Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, and the only game in town anymore are comic book superhero movies. Desperate for any type of inroad to this booming genre, the major studios have bought the rights to convert the names of glitter tattoos being sold at a kids' bouncy castle place in Edison, NJ for 2017/2018 superhero movie releases. Here are the scripts being worked on right now: 

"Dinosaur T-Rex" starring Andy Samberg, Jay Baruchel and Elizabeth Banks. Three amateur paleontologists dumbly inject themselves with dinosaur DNA to become the short armed, violently ravenous Dinosaur T-Rex Crew! Special visual effects by Digital Domain and somebody's iPhone.

"Dancing Dolphins" starring Chloe Sevigny, Sarah Polley and Chloë Grace Moritz. Three friends vacationing in Aruba encounter a fallen meteor which bestows otherworldly DOLPHIN POWERS to the trio! Soundtrack by Paramore and that "Call Me Maybe" chick.

"Bat" starring Denis Leary and Robin Wright Penn. A film noir take on the Batman myth, the worlds' most untrustworthy detective (Leary) takes on the case for a beautiful heiress (Wright Penn) who happens to also be a jewel thief. 

"Dancing Fairy" starring Jim Carrey, Melanie Griffith and that kid from "Stranger Things" with no teeth. A wish from a birthday cake transforms an unexpecting Dad (Carrey) into a dancing fairy who fights crime while making rude gestures with his rear end. Rated R for male nudity and female dialogue.

"Turtle Swirl" starring Shailene Woodley, Jon Voight and Dwayne Johnson. A promising marine biologist is kidnapped by an evil nuclear physicist who transforms her into Turtle Swirl, whose powers include going slow, swirling, and having difficulty getting out of a bathtub.

"Twin Seahorse" starring Fergie and Patricia Arquette. Fergie and Patricia Arquette play twins (with special effects help from WETA Studios) who die in a car accident but come back as superpowered seahorses. Expect lots of product placement by Yankee Candle, Clorox 2, and Duraflame!

"It's Obi Wan. He's holding me back!"

Found in a recent Village Voice: this ad for an acting school. Pretty reputable school, dropping names like Mamet and William H. Macy. But look closely...


What the frak? Sure, Jessica Alba and Skeet Ulrich are very attractive people, but if you're trying to sell yourself as a primo acting school, I think you could do better than the stars of "Blue Crush" and "Jericho." Like maybe a photo of a Resusci Annie and a traffic cone. Alba and Ulrich are terrible in everything they've ever done.

I do have to admit, though, that little printing shmutz on Skeet Ulrich's forehead does make him more intriguing.

Wait, did I say "Blue Crush" earlier? Sorry, that's the wrong title. I meant "who gives a shit."

CC=200!

The following 200TH ENTRY at Eat a Dick Joel has been submitted by longtime contributor Andrew Gall:

As guest writer and frequent reader, I marvel at where we’ve gone, where we’ve been, and where we’re going. When I saw one of the first posts featuring Ray Kunst watching Star-Trek reruns in the kitchen, I knew we were in for something special. Did it have anything to do with Joel eating dick? It’s debatable. But one thing’s for sure: Joel’s eaten a lot of dick. And no matter how we’ve managed to report it, it’s happened. From that fat woman on the escalator to Tianna’s robbery to Threading The Needle, Dick has been consumed multiple times over. And that, my friends, is a legacy worth celebrating. And one that I will continue to read about many times on a daily basis.

NOTE: Some of you may ask why Joel didn't write the 200th commemorative entry. Well, it pretty much slipped our minds. We'll ask him to write the 300th entry next month. Whatever.

Happy 200th, Joel. Here's to 54,988,467,122,852,109,843,656,013,334 more dicks for you to eat!