Featured Speakers At the Next CES

The upcoming Consumer Electronics Show has booked some notable keynote speakers. Here's who to expect in Hall C:

• TAKIN Home Pregnancy Test CEO Mandy Takins will have intercourse with audience members to test out the latest kits

• Smuckers CEO Don LaGrippe will announce and smoke the new Goober Grape Vape

• Dirt Devil President Garry Rousseau will demonstrate the new "naughty" attachments

• HD DVD promoter Jessica Hundmann will return years later to complain how the HD DVD format was better than Blu Ray all along

• Samsung rep Xi Tsung will reveal the new fuckable TV

3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Learnings

Here are 3 takeaways we learned from watching 25 straight days of crappy, maudlin, unironic Hallmark Christmas Movies:

1) After about 15 movies, it's pretty hard to find one that doesn't star the same actors or actresses.

When we started in December, we had this arbitrary rule where we couldn't review a movie that starred the same actor or actors. Little did we know that there are a lot of repeat performers in this genre. You'd think with Hollywood teeming with actors and actresses–all with slightly-above soap opera acting skills–this wouldn't be a problem. But I guess Hallmark likes having a stable of go-to talent.

 Here are some movies we couldn't review because of the damn same actors:

2) Doing an EADJ Crappinema write-up shouldn't take as long as it does. I consistently cranked out a pretty lengthy Hallmark movie write-up (similar to the Crappinema entries) daily for 25 days straight. Each movie took about 1.5 hours to watch and 2 hours to make fun of. The last Crappinema entry was posted on August 4, 2015, and before that, September 3, 2014.  I've proven in the last month that it doesn't have to take a fucking year to write these stupid things. So look for more of this shit in the future. I apologize in advance.

3) I'm no screenwriter, but those movies pretty much write themselves. Here are the main elements you need in any of these movies:

• single parent / broken heart
• a small town to come back from the big city to
• bright, precocious kids
• a co-worker BFF who acts as pep talker/cheerleader
• a Christmas festival full of events and decorations
• a misunderstanding in the third act that creates temporary conflict

So make the movie about a [teddy bear maker] whose [factory] closed down in the big city, so they had to come back to their hometown and meet an old classmate who happens to specialize in [toy law]. They team up and start their own [teddy bear factory] and fall in love in the process. "Stuffed For Christmas" starring Lacey Chabert and [handsome dude].

I've considered doing this 25-day thing every December, actually. It's oddly fun for me and there is NO SHORTAGE of these types of movies. We'll see!

A Hot, Three-Way IM Convo