Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

This strip is probably less funny than it is true.

Task Chair Has HAD It

Maybe you haven't heard from Task Chair in a while. Like since 2017. But that doesn't mean you should get comfortable. No sir. TASK CHAIR WILL MAKE SURE YOU SIT UPRIGHT AND PRODUCTIVE-LIKE, YOU PUSSY SLACKER.

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS IN 2021? A SECOND YEAR OF LOCKDOWN FROM A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC, AND PEOPLE ARE STILL BITCHING ABOUT WEARING MASKS OR TAKING A FREE VACCINE BECAUSE OF THEIR "FREEDOMS"? YOU FUCKING MEWLING BABIES DON'T KNOW WHAT SACRIFICE IS. TASK CHAIR SAYS TO SIT DOWN AT HOME AND WORK REMOTELY IS A MOTHERFUCKING PRIVILEGE, SO DON'T BE WHINING LIKE IT'S SOME BIG SACRIFICE.

'OH, WHY IS TASK CHAIR GETTING POLITICAL NOW?' NO, YOU'RE GETTING POLITICAL. KEEPING SOCIETY SAFE BY DOING YOUR PART, GETTING VACCINATED AND ENDURING MINOR INCONVENIENCES TO STEM A DEADLY VIRUS IS NOT POLITICAL. IT'S ONLY POLITICAL BECAUSE YOU HALFWITS ARE FOLLOWING THE BAD ADVICE FROM POLITICIANS OF YOUR CHOOSING. TASK CHAIR CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT PATHETIC SUCKERS SOME OF YOU HAVE TURNED INTO IN A MERE FOUR YEARS. PATHETIC.

OK TASK CHAIR OUT. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR WHEN HE COMES BACK. PUSSIES.

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies For Your Weak Brain

It's the beginning of the week, and yet the Info Wars staff are already working on next week's ultraconservative horseshit for Alex Jones to push out of his reddening basketball head. Here are some of the stories they're working on:

• Democrats invented death.

• Every time you watch a Proactive infomercial, George Soros gets another teenage sex slave delivered to his all-chocolate water slide/sex dungeon.

• The third Sam Raimi "Spider-Man" movie was made terrible on purpose so that audiences would hate anything that came in third. This eventually saved the nation from a third Obama term.

• Those claw machines you see in arcades actually contain miniaturized immigrants hiding inside the stuffed animals, and every time you win one, you've let another terrorist across the border.

• Conservative talk show hosts with basketball heads sitting on fat necks shouldn't wear ties or tight collars– it makes you look like a fucking water tower or lollipop.

• Atheists everywhere are already planning this year's War on Christmas, poisoning Christmas tree farm crops and intercepting all Elf On A Shelf correspondence to Santa. BE VIGILANT, CHRISTIANS!

That's My Pathmark! or Not Taking Stock

I'm sorry if any of these are repeats from previous entries. My filing system is about as bad as Pathmark's.

A Greener, More Earth-Friendly Off-Brand T.P. Roundup

EADJ has caught a little flak from environmental groups for our occasional T.P. Roundup being too negative about how bad generic toilet paper is. They've argued that the 1-ply type of paper reduces deforestation and somehow helps koala bears walk. So here now are reviews of off-brand tissue paper from a more positive angle. And please consider the environment before printing this blog entry.


Earth-Loving Paper Name: Hi Soft
Earth-Friendly Graphic Treatment: The name floating on a big blue nacho. Also, a drawing of a roll of toilet paper on the roll of toilet paper.
Earth-Saving Review: O sweet tits of joy! The manufacturers of Hi Soft have grossly misrepresented the name but have saved a dozen badger families in the Pacific Northwest! Hooray!


Earth-Conscious Paper Name: Smart Price for...Bathroom Tissue
Earth-Aware Graphic Treatment: A green asterisk flower for... no special reason
Earth-Replenishing Review: God bless the makers of Smart Price for... reversing mankind's impact on the planet! Every time you wipe your ass with this, a California condor chick finds its mother! Kudos!


Earth-Nurturing Paper Name: Green Heritage
Earth-Breastfeeding Graphic Treatment: An uninspired leaf which accidentally resembles The Onion logo.
Earth-Rescuing Review: O hail to the Green Heritage makers! This paper seems to biodegrade the second you start using it! It fully dissolves in your crack, turning your butt into its own compost heap.


Earth-Hugging Paper Name: Skyline 1-Ply
Earth-Sustaining Graphic Treatment: Some mountains over a sunrise. Ahh.
Earth-Shattering Review: You see what they did here? They used the word 'skyline' but instead showed MOUNTAINS! They turned that shit around to talk about nature and shit! Now use this to reverse the damaging effects of your enormous carbon footprint!


Earth-Promoting Paper Name: Morex
Earth-Rotating Graphic Treatment: The word 'Morex' in a blue oval. And a trademark symbol that's as big as your head.
Earth-Penetrating Review: One way to make toilet paper more earth-friendly is to make it so harsh and painful to use that nobody uses it. Trees win!


Earth-Carrying Paper Name: Never-Out Executive 1-Ply
Earth-Worshipping Graphic Treatment: None. Fuck that shit.
Earth-Revolving Review: This paper doesn't mess around. The 'never-out' moniker refers to the roll of paper itself: people are too embarrassed to put this out for their guests. No paper used, problem solved! Fuck you!


Earth-Promising Paper Name: None
Earth-Championing Graphic Treatment: None
Earth-Renewing Review: None

Fresh Direct Wednesday: Lobster Ravioli w/Vodka Sauce & Basil, or How A Weeklong Bit Has Already Outstayed Its Welcome On the Third Day

Here on Hump Day of bad week, we decided to go back to Italian food with Fresh Direct's Lobster Ravioli w/ Vodka Sauce & Basil, courtesy of Presto Italiano.


In comparison to the previous two dishes, a simple ravioli sounds pretty straightforward. So that coupled with the fact that I enjoy eating in general got my hopes up about this one.






And instead of eating outside in the lunch plaza, I took the entrée for a little walk before sampling.


It took me more than four tries to open the package, however. I felt like Nate struggling with the most gangsta saran wrap ever. Yeah, I'm self-referential.


What I'm guessing were supposed to be basil leaves looked like melted green crayons. Or Hulk raisins. Or alligator scabs.



Okay, this one wasn't totally awful. It wasn't offensive or pungent or gag-inducing. But it was bland. Tom even sampled a bite of it and said "Ew. Mushy."


Despite its blandness, I ate the thing and chalked one up for experience. Then I bookmarked it as one to grow on and as a notch in my belt. Then I had explosive diarrhea 2 hours later. Just kidding. It was solid.


Overall rating: F

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: All The Kind Strangers

15 minutes into this one, I actually thought, "Man, this might be the best EADJ Crappinema movie yet!" But seeing how the others were so bad, that might not be saying a lot. Still, the story of a man held prisoner by a bunch of psycho hillbilly children is a fantastic premise. Fantastic. In fact, I think they're working on a Broadway musical based on that now.































Then in an attempt to show Peter pondering the fate of Stacy Keach and the woman, the filmmakers saw fit to follow him wandering through the woods with some terrible song playing like a bad 70's video. I took it upon myself to spice it up with a few lyrics of my own:



The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Woman: Jimmy, Jimmy are you awake?

Stacy Keach: My car, my car is at the bottom of the creek! What happened?

Woman: John upset the boat. He did it as a prank. The other children pulled you out. They were swimming like fish.

Stacy Keach: I know what they swim like...(winces) my head.

Woman: Stay down.

Stacy Keach: They ran my new car right down to the bottom of the creek. And there was a red one there, and a blue one. And a green one.

Woman: Jim, they're gonna vote.

Stacy Keach: Vote?

Woman: On us. Whether to keep us as parents or not.

Stacy Keach: They're gonna vote on us? This is like a bad dream. This is like a joke!

Woman: If they vote no...

Stacy Keach: Look. You said there were others. They must have voted on them. That explains those cars at the bottom of the creek.

Woman: They like us. I know they do, and they'll vote yes. If they do, that'll give us the time to think of a way to get out of here!

Stacy Keach: Caroline, I'm not going to wait around to go on trial by a bunch of crazy kids! Would you mind getting me a pair of pants? I'm sure my size is in that closet.

EXEUNT










So what started out as a promising movie about redneck kids forcibly adopting two adults turns into some life lesson about personal responsibility or whatever. A fairly terribly movie overall. Stacy Keach's finest.