Unexpected King of Queens

Spotted at a toy store:

Block Tech Presents: GALACTIC WARS!

Many eons ago in a very distant universe...

GALACTIC WARS: Episode IV: Another Chance

The universe is ravaged by local skirmishes. A courageous group of guerrillas rises to resist the overwhelming UNIVERSAL DYNASTY.

Attacking from a secret base hidden somewhere in the universe, flying space fighters have won their first success in a conflict with the strong Monarchical Armada. The DYNASTY is afraid that one more failure could recruit a thousand more systems into the insurrection, and Monarchical control over the universe would be forever gone.

To crush the insurrectionists once and for all, the DYNASTY is building an evil new war fortress. Strong enough to obliterate a whole planet, its realization bodes poorly for the champions of freedom...

The Conflict Between the Heroes of "Goo Hit Zu: Galaxy Attack" Gets Ugly

The ongoing so-called "Galaxy Attack" conflict between the Sun Fire Blazagon and the Dark Matter Terrack has reached its eight year in a "Cosmic Fury", prompting those witnessing the conflict to question if there is an end in sight or if the two sides will engage in battle forever.

The self-professed "Super Gooey" Sun Fire Blazagon has never been above personal attacks, calling his opponent a "race traitor to cosmic dinosaurs" and suggesting on Twitter that Terrack sexually harasses his interns. He's also taken out full-sized hologram ads on the Galactic News Feed urging the Goo Hit Zu authorities to inspect Terrack's home for illegal stretch steroids.

Not one to stand down from a fight, the indignant "Dark Matter" Terrack has replied to Blazagon's accusations, saying he's a "lying sack of goo" and insisting he's always been transparent about not using steroids. "SEE MY BONES!" he insists, "I'M SUPER SCRUNCHY!" Terrack has most recently driven by Blazagon's house and thrown dark matter at his dog and children.

The two are expected to debate next Friday at the Galactic Union Hall. Sun Fire fans and Dark Matter enthusiasts are expected to clash, so added security has been hired by the authorities.

Well, Which Is It, Kid?

Friggin future politician over here.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 23: "Christmas In The Air" Starring Catherine Bell and Eric Close

I think I found it, guys. I think I have somehow found the most boring Hallmark movie of all time–and that's out of dozens of movies about cookie baking contests and elevators breaking down and dueling Christmas tree farms. This movie is so fucking boring that I fell asleep just reading the premise of the thing.

Plot summary: "Lydia, a successful professional organizer, is constantly trying to grow her business, but even her ambition takes a back seat to love when she meets Robert, a frazzled widower with two young children. A toy inventor, Robert is asked to present his new Christmas toy line to a superstore. His challenge is he only has 12 days to get his life and his business in order. Talk about a Christmas rush! Lydia shows Robert that this task goes way deeper than messy junk drawers and encompasses every aspect of his life. While she’s intent on helping him straighten out details he had long ignored, Robert teaches the buttoned-up Lydia that messiness can be a delightful part of life."

Every Hallmark movie follows the same trajectory. But the makers of this one decided to take the road least interesting. And you know what? I'm not even going to go into depth here with the gags because I want to spare you the torture I endured to watch this one straight through. My Christmas present to you.

Romance Factor: 4 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 4 out of 10

Overall Rating: 4 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 1:22:24

No one should ever see this movie.

Photos Of Children Playing Toy Instruments Paired With Quotes About The Blues

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Start A Ska Band

1) Learn an instrument. Some common instruments in ska-punk are electric/acoustic guitars, electric bass, double bass, drums, piano, trumpet, trombone and sax.

2) Next you need people who play instruments and/or can sing. At the very least, you will need someone to play electric/acoustic guitar, bass, drums, and a brass/woodwind instrument such as trumpet, trombone or sax. Some popular variations are the use of an upright bass as opposed to the usual bass guitar, or the inclusion of keyboards, which are vital if you want more of a traditional two-tone or classic Jamaican Ska sound.

3) Get together and write some songs. Some people prefer to write a complete set of lyrics before building a song around them, while some write the music first. Meet with your bandmates often and find out what works for you.

4) Practice! Often. Ideally, find a place where you won't bother anybody with noise and where you won't be interrupted.

5) Record everything so that you can listen to it and make changes. Sometimes listening to yourself on tape can help you to pick out things in your performance of a song that you might not otherwise have noticed.

6) Get booked. Once you have a solid set of songs, go out and play as many shows as you can. You want to get people in your local area excited about your band, and want to see more.

7) Do what you want with your recordings. You may want to record a short album or demo album, which you can send to labels or sell at concerts!

And speaking of albums, when riding in the back of my limo to the airport, if you want me to take you through a drive through, please turn down the CD player in the back so the clerk can hear your order. You're wasting their time, you're wasting my time, and you're wasting your own time, otherwise. That's just common courtesy. I can't believe I have to say it in this day and age. Be safe, kids.

A Disturbing Hobby Store Find

Plastic model kit company Moebius offers not only expensive and highly detailed licensed monster kits but also your more basic, generic cheapo sets. 

These "Monster Scenes" are old school throwback scenes complete with mad scientists and torture devices. Harmless fun, right? Right.

They also, however, offer The Victim, a generic damsel in Daisy Dukes who can either be shown running away from a lurching monster or be tortured by the The Pendulum or The Hanging Cage or The Pain Parlor. I guess this is for children who can't steal their sister's Barbies.

If you're a budding serial killer, no assembly necessary. Just steal some ketchup packets from Hardee's and you're golden.

 Only "1 frightened expression?" I guess the bored or annoyed expressions weren't selling as well.



Here are some alternate, less violent scenarios for the Victim:

• accusing the valet of dinging her 1998 RAV4

• telling the manager that she's getting bad service after not getting the check for 6 minutes
• complaining to the admissions officer that she got waitlisted because she's Hispanic
• saying the power company is singling her out although it's clear her entire block is without service
• not shredding her credit card junk mail and being surprised that someone stole her identity
• saying the press won't stop harping about how bad a mother she's been to Lindsay Lohan
• bitching about how "The Dark Knight Rises" isn't entirely in the IMAX format
• loudly sighing about having a middle seat on the plane even though she booked the ticket late
• insisting that any assault weapon control legislation is automatically infringing on HER rights
• feeling betrayed by George Lucas
• blaming her fat thighs on her incompetent Zumba instructor
• saying her boyfriend cheating on her isn't the same as her cheating on her boyfriend because she had more "emotional" reasons
• attributing her racism to her racist grandfather who never lived with her
• bitching about H&M's return policy requiring a receipt

Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick, Joel

 I learned the other day that Fisher Price actually offers a Little People Nativity Set, which actually sounds pretty sweet:

It's a pretty deluxe set with 12 people and animal figures, a cart, and a manger, so you really can't go wrong with that.

Then I realized that this new set would offer some unique play-time possibilities to people who already own Fisher Price Little People sets.

Joseph and the Orca Whale: Joseph goes on a sabbatical to "find himself" and gets caught up in a "Life of Pi" style adventure where he must impose his will upon a stubborn killer orca whale (who we learn later was really his mother all along).

Batman and Balthazar: When a member of the legendary Three Kings teams up with The Dark Knight, watch out crime! Armed with batarangs and frankincense, this righteous duo patrols the streets of Gotham with a mighty vengeance on the combination camel/bat pod.

Snow White, the Virgin Mary, and the Seven Dwarfs: two virtuous women share a cramped house with seven quirky roommates. Bashful gets an aneurysm from shyness. Grumpy gets damned to hell.

Superman and the Baby Jesus: The Son of God and the son of Jor-El join forces and make it totally unfair for any villains to go against them. It's not even close.

Pandas and the Ass: Two friendly Pandas join up with Joseph and Mary's ass on a frolicking free-wheeling adventure of fun and self-discovery! Whatever.

A whole butt-load of obsolete vintage Little People and a Sheep: For adults only.

"Lights Up When Open?" Nice Try, Toys Я Us.

Pictured below, Marvel attempts to trick kids and comic book geeks into bathing.

No Title Necessary

You know, sometimes I'm ashamed of the things that I notice.

Spotted In Irvington, NJ

What I first thought was a strip club turned out to be a ladies hair salon. I guess the silhouetted skanks threw me off. DANGEROUS DIVAS.

I'm not sure if $50 sew-in hair weaves are supposed to be a bargain (it's been so long since I've had one done), but I definitely cannot say no to a $15 doobie.

No, wait. What kind of doobie are we talking about here?





So, it's a Rachel for sisters? Looks nice.