Some Hollywood Films Currently In Development Based On Rug Swatches At Home Depot

The following films have all been greenlighted by Warner Brothers, Sony Pictures, Columbia Entertainment, Lucasfilm and Miramax Pictures. All of these have been named after existing SoftSpring® brand rug swatches. Hey, they've had dumber ideas, you know.

"Ocean Breeze" starring Russell Crowe and Keira Knightley

A drunken sailor meets a spoiled socialite and they fight for two hours before he docks his schooner in her dry dock. Directed by Ridley Scott.

"Arctic Chill" starring Kevin Hart and Tracey Jordan

Two hardcore rappers take the wrong flight and end up in the Arctic Circle mistaken as geologists. Soundtrack by J. Cole, Drake, and Swizz Beats.

"New Dawn" starring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

Despite what it sounds like, this is NOT a Twilight installment. Stewart plays an out-of-place teenager who meets a boy with extraordinary powers. I know it sounds A LOT like Twilight, but trust us, it's based entirely on a CARPET SWATCH.

"Clambake" starring Jonah Hill, Don Wahlberg and Michael B. Jordan

Three high school losers find out where the biggest Senior party of the year is being held and use this knowledge to win over girls, get popular, and focus more on their academic studies.

"Lumber Yard" starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Angelina Jolie. Directed by Christopher Nolan.

Whatever it's about, critics are going to jizz themselves trying to praise everyone involved. LUMBER YARD!

"Timberline" starring Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and Tim Burr

A funky new musical in the tradition of "Grease" and "Step Up 4: All In in 3D and IMAX." A veteran hip hop emcee (played by Flavor Flav) trains a talented white protege and takes over the music business a second time. We forgot to cast a female in this. Damn.

"Georgia Clay" starring Jamie Foxx, Lance Reddick, and Pepa

Foxx plays Dr. Amon Clay, a once-successful plastic surgeon in the Atlanta area who confronts his past patients who are all melting.

"Garden Cucumber" starring Sasha Grey

Now available for download.

Six Lies Told By The Kansas City Zoo Brochure

1) Not all white monkeys at the zoo take care of little black monkeys. That would be fucked up.

2) Not always a NEW adventure. If you're been to the zoo in the past three weeks, it's the same damn adventure. The question is, why are you coming back to the zoo so soon after visiting the first time?

3) "The belly flops and underwater flips entertain all ages." That's a lie. Any kid between 14-19 would rather crush candy or flip Angry Birds or whatever the fuck.

4) The ski-lift thingie isn't NEARLY as fun as these two enthusiastic people will have you believe. 

5) Not closed only on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day. They're also closed on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Holy Shit A Lion Has Escaped And Has Mauled 14 People Day

6) Dick Cheney not always there.

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EADJ is proud to announce a new line of Six Lies Told Hot Pockets and Lean Pockets. The Six Lies Told Hot Pockets contains new flavors like Beef Potato, Green Bean Mudslide, and Corrugated Cardboard. The Six Lies Told Lean Pockets feature new flavors like Rice Cakes, Filet O Fish, Grey Milky Discharge, and Son Of A Bitch. Look for the Six Lies Told Hot Pockets and Lean Pockets in your grocer's freezer today!

Hawthorne Village Collectibles Is Still Trying To Star Wars Me

Hot on the heels of yesterday's Star Wars train entry, I also received this marvelous direct mail piece hocking the Official Star Wars Galactic Village Collection, a set of three sculpted Star Wars scenes, complete with figurines.

(click to enlarge)


Yes, all the joy of having the action figures and toy vehicles without the detail or points of articulation but with all the breakability of porcelain. The Galactic Village Collection– a Hawthorne Village exclusive– can grace either the basement apartment at your Mom's house or the attic apartment at your Mom's house with its static, eroded-looking creations.


Hey, remember the incredible Imperial invasion of Hoth from "The Empire Strikes Back?" Well, imagine those enormous AT-ATs, but not moving at all and standing on what looks like a frosted cookie. And just look at the photoshopped sculpted detail on the figures themselves, who for some reason all looked pissed:




Since these motherfuckers are going for $59.99 EACH, I can only assume that this is targeted to rich geeks who have already collected everything and have some extra money lying around, collecting dust. So they would happily buy these porcelain sculptures to collect the dust instead.



There are three major reasons why this collection sucks:

1) Despite the spooky detail and lit interiors, these are still porcelain figures and porcelain "villages," so they're essentially the same thing as your grandmother's fragile porcelain Christmas Teddy Bear village.

2) $59.99 x 3 = $179.97?! I could spend that on medication I need or pogs.

3) Even if you've collected all three sculptures, and you've collected every action figure, every comic book, and every prop replica- and you've even read every Star Wars novel– you will never be able to catch the pure joy you had as a kid watching the original trilogy for the first time. Okay, maybe a little bit with the prop replicas.

After-Holiday Wrap Up Entry

Turn the volume up for this one.

The Dickside Chats, Part Three (Entry #398)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, balls, and general kung fu stances on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very homestyle, very mellifluous series:

Joel:... (continued from Friday's entry) Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

Andrew: (Passing Joel bowl of dick) Point taken. Besides, the opinions of those who chomp cock are pretty much nonpartisan by default, yes? Thought so. Anyhoosies, there's been something on my mind for a little while now, and it's only grown more glaring in recent weeks, following the sink jerking developments. How does the bullshit list fit in with EADJ? Are they two circles that intersect? How do you see this playing out?

Joel: Frankly, Susan, I'd love for EADJ to grow its readership beyond the bullshit list. And that's probably going to require me to become a famous screenwriter. I'm sorry, is this dick organic?

(pictured above, a high angle spares us a shot of Andrew's Dad's balls; Andrew's Dad shows us a sock)