The ProofrEADJer, Mid-February Edition

Six Lies Told By The Falun Gong Brochure

Let me start by saying we are calling this brochure a liar, not the members of the Falun Gong movement. We at EADJ understand the political struggle that its practitioners experience in China, and this entry in no way condones their horrific treatment by the Chinese or Falun Gong's founder Li Hongzhi's controversial views on homosexuality. This is simply a stupid entry by a blog mainly devoted to the consuming of penis by my friend Joel. So, hold your outrage, both of you readers.

1) Forbearance wasn't originally one of Falun Gong's precepts; the original third one was "hoes."

2) Although heavily promoted as such, not every Falun Gong member will receive a Land's End crew neck sweater.

3) "No membership or initiation, no rituals or obligations." Other than BE YOURSELF and HAVE FUN!!!!!!

4) Falun Gong is a nonviolent, peaceful practice, although some members occasionally start fights at the beach with a "You want some a' this?" pose.

5) If you Google Image search "Asian woman" and "Penetrating the Two Extremes," you're not likely to see this photo.

6) This QR Code actually takes you to the Flash game QWOP. Which is awesome.

The Six Lies Told Type Foundry is proud to announce the "Six Lies Told" font, an illegible, shitty throwback to 90's grunge fonts. Use it on your NO FEAR bumper stickers, your Godsmack web ring logo on Geocities, or Rolling Stone print ads for Motorola pagers.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, you in the bright green spandex and the fanny pack– you can't roller skate in the post office. Can't you read the sign?"

"These aren't roller skates, man. They're way better; they're the coolest new invention."

"But you're skating around the floor of this post office like an asshole and scuffing up my floors. If that ain't roller skating, I don't know what is."

"Listen, man. These things are in-line skates, or 'roller blades.' See how all four wheels are in a row under my foot rather than like a skate? This allows me to travel a lot faster, plus they look cooool!"

"You look like a bobsled with legs. You look like a right asshole. And you're ruining my tile floor."

"Hey, it doesn't say on your front door 'NO ROLLER BLADES,' man, so I can do what I want!"

Yes, This is Somehow the Sixth Off-Brand T.P. Roundup.

Skyline Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Unnerving handwritten typeface
• Use of dark, dystopian city from "Blade Runner"
• Lack of color on label
Downside:
Treats the ass like a number.


Daisy Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Bold Red Label
• Tagline: "Feel the difference"
• Comes in "soft"
Downside:
As cheap and useless as Daisy from "Daisy of Love."


Mabel Clean and Soft 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Pleasing, contemporary Colors
• Unexplained "L" Monogram
• Use of preppie argyle pattern
Downside:
Feels like wiping with Kanye's sock.


Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue/Papier Hygiénique (submitted by Larry K)


Notable Features:
• 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Paper, so you're wiping with someone's old table tent
• Bleached (like your you-know-what)
• Contains an actual blurb from the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy (click on the photo if you don't fucking believe me)
Downside:
There's a reason a leaf is on the cover.


Livi Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Logo that resembles a leaf or a vagina
• FULL EMBOSS
• Fun to pronounce name
Downside:
Shows no mercy.


Unnamed Cloud-Wrapped T.P.


Notable Features:
• Shrouded in mystery
• Enigma wrapped in a riddle
• Reminds one of The Simpsons' opening credits
Downside:
There's no contact information in case you want to sue.


Greenleafe Reserve Bath Tissue


Notable Features:
• Extra "E" added for class
• Overuse of leaf imagery to really drive the concept home
• Is "reserve" for special occasions
Downside:
Blows.


Mor-Soft MS500


Notable Features:
• Terrible grammar
• Apparently upgraded from "400"
• Sounds like the name of a Sony audio component
Downside:
Turns out 500 is how many of the thin sheets you'll need to use to get it all.


Marcal Sunrise



Notable Features:
• VIRTUALLY lint free
• Will leave your asshole 95% free of lintballs
• Contains only a trace amount of annoying gray lint
Downside:
MOTHERFUCK, SOMEBODY GRAB ME A LINTROLLER.


Smart Soft 500 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Modern typeface
• Clean label
• Soothing use of colors
Downside:
When they say "smart," they actually mean it hurts.


Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Label looks similar to the Wal-Mart logo
• Suspiciously downplays the word "soft"
• Promises an experience not unlike the Rapture
Downside:
Causes you to blaspheme like a motherfucker when using.


LRMGOBAO Tissue 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Confusing, unpronounceable name????
• Possibly an acronym???????
• Hey, maybe it's onomatopoeic? Like that's the sound you make when using it?????
• And why the globe? Is that a foreign name, then??????
• I really don't know. Very confused.
Downside:
I dunno. You got me, man. As they say in my home country, "LRMGOBAO."

To further add to the confusion, here is a video about LRMGOBAO made by some middle school drama class (????????????).