The ProofrEADJer: Early March Edition

UAG

UAG

Crustaceanfest® Was Taken.

(As is now customary, the following Lobsterfest® entry was written drunk- this was after two large Kirin beers, a bottle of hot sake, and a Manhattan made with pear-flavored Grey Goose at Sushi Roku in Hollywood. Shit was lit, yo.)

Here at Red Lobster, things are always cooking. We mean that in both the vernacular and literal way. Like in the vernacular way, we're trying to say that fun things are always happening at our restaurant, and in the literal way, we are literally cooking all the time because as a restaurant, that is our business. Do we have to explain this any further for you, or are you too dumb to grasp this concept? Jesus.

Here now are the latest, greatest, Lobsterfestiest® ways to chow down on some seriously fantastic lobster:

Due to a clerical error on our part, a document asking for a "Lobster Fist" begins to circulate and gets leaked to the press. To minimize corporate embarrassment, we hire a special FX crew to fashion a big working fist with a lobster for each finger and a fatty crab for a thumb. It ends up being pretty much more effort than its worth. So that there would be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

You scan a QR code. It takes you to a mini-site that asks you to like us on Facebook. The Facebook link takes you to our YouTube channel, which plays a short clip about out some of our lobster specials- none of which are terribly original. That is quite possibly the lamest way one could hope to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Didn't we even do this one already?!

We liquefy lobster meat and serve them in syringes, which we ask you to inject into the vein under your tongue. When you do, it's such a fucking rush that you spend all your time trying to score that good feeling again, but it always takes more and more injections to even approximate that feeling. Wait, did we say lobster meat? We meant crab. Enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster this way- we DARE you!

You fall down some stairs that weren't clearly marked in our restaurant and break an ankle. Not a shabby way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, am I right?

We hire Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band to play all their rock 'n roll favorites at one of our restaurants in St. Louis. When they've set up their equipment and are ready to play to a *huge* turnout, Bob Seger tries to plug his guitar into an amp, which is actually a large formed block of lobster meat painted to look like a guitar amp. Our staff laughs at him, and the entire band gets furious and walks out. A shame, really, when you realize we had a rock legend in our restaurant. We'd actually rather not even talk about it anymore.

Lobsters everywhere are given equal civil rights as humans, meaning they can now vote, have civil unions, and enjoy all the benefits of personhood that the rest of us enjoy. Which makes it doubly painful for us to round up so many of these fine, upstanding people from their rightful homes and boil them, crack open their shells and slather their dead flesh with cheap butter. What have we become? We are such monsters. Say, that's a zany way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, now!

Two words: lobster meat turbine wreaths on poles. That is another terrific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! 

Why Do Dicks Suddenly Appear / Every Time / Joel Opens His Mouth?

A dickmaking class? What is that?

Joel saw the flyer for a dickmaking class at the community center in Modesto and was instantly interested. What better way to ensure the constant eating of dick by actually making it? He could be self-sufficient, like, forever!

So he was definitely excited (and hungry like a mother) when he showed up on Tuesday night at 7:30pm in the Barbados conference room.

And what he beheld was nothing like of which he had never done seen: rows and rows of people fashioning dick from yarn, meat and balloons. Big ones, small ones, some with cartoon eyes, and for some odd reason, one with dicks for legs.

Before the lady at the registration table could stop him, Joel had pounced on the first table in sight and began devouring dick like a really good simile. He thrashed and bounced around the room with dozens of dicks in his mouth. People were screaming and running.

Details get really fuzzy from there, but word has it Joel somehow escaped the hub-bub with over 6,000 dicks in hand and was last spotted at a picnic table in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest in Northern California.

(pictured above, Tom W demonstrates the correct way to wait for the bus at the "Hampton Jitney" 40th and 3rd Ave. bus stop while some old biddies sit the wrong way like a couple of assholes)

A photo from Saturday night.

(pictured above, Dan Donnelly performs at the Stone Street Historical District Oyster Festival while three unknown patrons throw oyster shells at his eyes and finger his girlfriend)