Featured Products at This Year's Half-Assed Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is normally a very exciting showcase of new electronic product launches, but somehow this year no one, including the organizers, are very into it. Here now are some of the exhibitors you can look forward to (or not):

• another Roomba, except this one's more oval shaped? Who cares

• I dunno, a remote control for the washer and dryer that controls them? 

• Some bullshit thing you wear on your wrist that monitors your whatever

• Could you change the image on the big screen so we can watch football or something?

• This new vape pen that doubles as a breathalyzer... fuck, this is lame

• Are you guys leaving? Can I get a ride? You leaving now?

Good Lord.

 Spotted on Facebook (because old people are on Facebook):

The Joel Ostend Audio Devotional, which looks suspiciously like a repurposed Sharper Image white noise device. Or a humidifier that makes waffles. Or an alarm clock that sweeps the carpet.

What in the St. Francis of Assisi is going on here? Is the device THAT big? Is this actually a brilliant Martin Short bit? Because it sure looks like it.

Spotted at Stop and Shop

Wait a minute. You mean to tell me the Manning brothers were professional football players and NOT professional models? But they're so photogenic!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

You okay, bro? You don't looks so good, bro.

That's no way to greet the caterer, Flo.

With all those credit cards, you think Kingg Bucc could afford a more recent MacBook.

Just in case you were wondering what your AT&T Wireless customer service rep looks like.

Wait, who buried her in those clothes to begin with?

"Predator, you are the father."

South Park is still around after 24 seasons, so yeah, this is still good.

What the... Don't change it; it's perfect.

So that's what you can buy at an Aldi.

One pierced ear was the gateway drug to this.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Contract negotiations with various studios are over, and here are the latest shows and movies that will be added to Hulu:

• How To Cook Crepes Like a Fucking Champion

• What's On Netflix

• Ugh, You're Wearing *That?*: The Fashion Makeover Show

• Ping Me That You Love Me

• Drop It Like It Will Indict You

• Talking Talking Dead: The Show Where We Recap The Last "Talking Dead" Recap Show

And here are the latest shows and movies that will be removed from Hulu:

• SONOFABITCH!: The Amateur DIY Fix-it Show

• Model UN Paintball

• Pranking Fire Departments

• Scrolling list of everyone's Social Security Numbers

• Virtual Speed Date Rejections

• That's My Dick, Actually

• Gone Are Rhea

The Consumer Electronics Show 2018: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is coming soon, and it promises to showcase some astonishing and advanced technology for consumers. Here are a few scheduled exhibitors:

• Waffle House will introduce WAPP, the smartphone app that helps you shit your drunken pants at 3am.

• Verizon's Erin McPherson, Head of Content Strategy, Acquisition & Programming will hand out her business cards and will be happy to interview if you're hiring

• Boston Dynamics will release all of their robotic dogs to slaughter and maim the entire showroom audience

• NASA will be selling ironic "Space Force, My Ass" t-shirts

• Kikkoman Soy Sauce will fly special "soy sauce drones" to surgically drop soy sauce wherever someone might need some

• The inventor of the IBM ThinkPad will spend 3 hours trying to set up the projector for a retrospective presentation, with a special tribute to the TrackPoint keyboard nub/pointer

• Apple will have a speaker but will ultimately not reveal anything new. Just like they've been doing for the past 7 years.

• BB-8 will be rolling around the convention floor to annoy everyone and get the Star Wars fan base all riled up again

• A lucky guest will be invited to go backstage to see how puppeteers make all the electronics appear to work

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 9

Twitter, like every other social media platform, is a soul-sucking vortex of digital despair. Here are some handy (but grossly unpopular) hashtags you can use for your Twitter posts:

#rappingMoms

#fetishizingnormalcy

#myPINnumberis3384

#shartedinmyyogapants

#MarkZuckerbergtanlines

#salmonellainsteadofbotox

#SylviaPlath'sBellJarbutwithfarts

#hilariousabortiondebateoneliners

#heismakingAmericagreatagainandIamracisttrailertrash

#IgotoCheesecakeFactoryjusttoorgasmfromthevibratingpagers

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Truth!

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

Apparently taxes aren't the only thing troubling The Old Bridge Deli. One morning last week, I strolled in there, and people were milling about in total darkness.




That was last week. As of today, the damn place is still closed. The city must friggin' hate that place.

Carving Out a Niche?

Some of you regular readers might remember from a Pun Cops entry a horrific quasi-political ad starring Richard Belzer and an embarrassed cat.


So imagine my surprise when I spotted the cover of this week's Village Voice:


Turns out the cat is still affixed to Richard's shoulder but demanded to be hidden behind some sort of prop.

You can't stop it, J'Net.

Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster, Part 4

In this chapter, Jessica answers a common question regarding reception music.