"Yay!"

Hey, you little kids. You wanna have some real fun and learn something about science at the same time? No? Well, listen to this pitch anyway, you little shits.

Thanks to Creative Kids Inc., now can have your own AMAZING VOLCANO in your room or garage or basement. Now you can "erupt" your own "volcano."

See the amazing "eruptions" of "molten lava" shoot out of your "amazing" volcano with the help of a hand pump, but remember to put on your cheap pair of eye protection, because that "lava" will scald your eyeballs blind. "Seriously."

"Amaze" your "friends" with this impressive "science experiment," which you can totally submit as a project at the next school science fair and get a "D" for.

Then later, you can "wonder" why your parents hate you so much that they buy you useless, nonscientific "crap" like AMAZING VOLCANO from the Discovery Store. Maybe so they don't have to spend any "time" with you. They hate you, you know.

Another IM Convo

And So Begins The Quest To Make DragonForce Happen.

The other day I was watching the past-its-prime-but-still-seriously-kickass program "Headbanger's Ball" on MTV2. And in between a vintage Accept clip and a Slipknottyesque death metal video, a commercial ran that sparked my interest. A commercial for a newly-released album by a group named DRAGONFORCE.





The name "DragonForce" is 50X Awesome on so many levels:

1) "Dragon"– Who doesn't like dragons, besides anyone who's not a 13-year-old misfit or a 80-year old Chinese furniture dealer? The fact that the band went there and not only gave a nod to something as dorky as dragons but BEGAN THEIR MOTHERFUCKING BAND NAME WITH IT says something about them as a musical group: that they rule with a double viking (Vikings are also dorkily awesome, btw).

2) "Force"- Let's ignore the possible Star Wars reference here because I think "Dragon" already captured that "not getting laid" contingent. The word "force" is an excellent choice because it's aggressive and forward-thinking. But it's also pretty fantastical and non-scary ("By the force of Wurrmar, I command thee to capture the goblet of Ürr!"). But I guess it's at least better than "thrust," "push," or "zoom."

3) Now combine the two words (but keep "Force" capitalized!) and you've got DragonForce, a title that does– I'll admit– sort of conjure imagery of stalactites and skies darkened by volcanic ash. But the name also sounds a lot like a Japanese Saturday morning cartoon. Or a series of dragon-themed race cars whose wheels you have to back up on the floor until they click before you let them zip around, scaring the dog. But I have to give credit to a band who could have easily named themselves something simpler, like "Dismember" or "Obituary" or "Venom" but decided on their own creation: "DragonForce." Fuck yeah.


Now, what kind of music does DragonForce play, knowing that it's obviously metal? I couldn't tell you because I put the TV on mute during commercials. But who gives a shit, man? It's DRAGONFORCE! That shit is awesome already! Stop being a pussy and crank it up!


Over the next week or so, we at Eat A Dick Joel will use our enormous readership to help promote DragonForce's musical career. We encourage you to buy DragonForce's new album, "Ultra Beatdown" at your local Camelot Music, FYE or Sam Goody music store. Or iTunes. If DragonForce is too loud, YOU'RE TOO OLD! Seacrest out!

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