Yet More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Say your prayers, punk— I'm a priest, you see, so I'm supposed to urge you to pray more. But this time I mean it threateningly."

"Oh no! We're not done fighting zombies sexily— LET'S WIN THE GO!!!!"

"I love you Paige. Oh shit– I'm MARRIED already! D'oh!"

"Hi. This movie is actually a seminar for cryptocurrency. Gotcha!"

"Isiah Bin Laden? Finally a movie where Murda Pain isn't the dumbest name."

UAG

Right?!

More Underused Hashtags, Presidential Edition

Don't hold your breath looking for these in 45's tweet storms:

#blessed

#TEDTalk

#fucktheNRA

#ilovemywife

#nomoregolfing

#eatinghealthy

#blacklivesmatter

#globalwarming

#iapologizetorosieodonnell

#iapologizetohillaryclinton

#iapologizetoanyoneingeneral

#maybeIshoulddosomethingtohelppeopleforonce

#iamirredeemablehumangarbageandhavemadetheworldworsefrommyveryexistence

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of April 7

You hate Twitter. I hate Twitter. He hates Twitter. She hates Twitter. They hate Twitter. Vous hatez Twitter. So use these underused hashtags in your stupid feed:

#myspace

#chinkdick

#epiduralsformen

#cubiclecunnilingus

#istillgetNetflixDVDs

#commonlawsexslaves

#Pringlesduckbillinlabia

#cowfistulaagedmicrobrew

#DesertStormcamouflagespandex

#takethisjobandletmekeepitbecauseIneedthebenefits

#thelastmattressyou'lleverbuybecauseyou'redyingtomorrow

#guacamolewaterballoonholyshitthisisactuallyaprettygoodidea

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 20

Pretend for a second you don't know what Twitter is. God, that felt good, didn't it? Well, you do know what it is, and here are the latest underused hashtags that you can use in your stupid feed, ya idiot:

#WWEjeggings

#bullieswithbigdicks

#RAV4pussymagnet

#spanglishandbedazzlers

#DCcinematicuniverse4life

#abstractconceptualsnowman

#blamingISISforyourviralinfection

#punchandjudyteachesdomesticabuse

#shootingthemiddlefingeratactressDameJudiDench

#dontevenactlikeyouhaventseenthenewSingersewingpatterns

At Last: A Transcript of What The People In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Are Saying

Having exhausted (almost) every angle with regards to this enigmatic photo, we at EADJ have finally ponied up some cash to pay some professional lip readers to tell what these six people were actually saying during the photoshoot. Below are their findings:

JESSE: "He's either just smiling or saying a very solid 'S' sound. Maybe he's saying 'Sssorry for looking down your shirt?'"

JESS: "She is a puzzle. Her hands are moving, implying that she's in the middle of expressing something, but her mouth seems locked in a smile. Perhaps she's also using an 'S' sound, as in 'Megan Trainor ssssuckssssss.'"

ANGIE: "I feel like her lips and teeth are indicating a hard 'D' sound, like 'Donkey punches never really happen, do they?'"

TRINA: "Oh, this one's easy (and so is Trina!). She is clearly saying an 'ooo' sound, as in 'Whooo wants a piece of this action?'" I know I'm not supposed to judge in my profession, but that is disgraceful."

DON WITH THE THUMBS: "Since I cannot even see his mouth, I'm just going to assume he is saying, 'JEB BUSH IN 2016!' Yeah, that looks like it."

SIMON PETER: "Oh, I don't care much for him. Look at that slack pussy piehole of his. He's probably not saying anything interesting. Probably something like, 'You should really check out my Pinterest- it's full of great lifehack ideas.' Jesus, SPARE ME."