"Marcia! Marcia! Pathmark!"

Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Greetings, all. This is Gordon from corporate.

No, none of you are in trouble, but it been brought to my attention that this office has been slightly behind the cycle in doing timesheets. Now, being the fiscal bulldog that I am, I had to contact you all directly to stress the importance of DOING YOUR FUCKING TIMESHEETS EVERYDAY. Projects due in an hour? Stop and do your timesheet anyway. Late for a hot date night with your husband? Who cares. Do your timesheet. Building on fire? You can do your timesheets from your phone. Really, there is NO EXCUSE.

Here are this week's timesheets, which I expect you all to fill out by EOD (especially you, Myers):

447553: Pumping up the jam

302404: Filling your laugh lines with cocaine

009261: Taking a kid to Build A Bear Workshop and not buying anything

920427: Slam dunkin' hoes

210749: Inventing and developing the toothpaste jelly donut

820455: Binge watching all 63 seasons of "All My Children"

397576: Honking all over this chick's funbags

631223: Returning Ann Taylor Loft merchandise at a regular Ann Taylor store

342855: Pausing your shit fit for a coffee run

111111: Realizing that making a "duck bill" with Pringles in your mouth is not unique

577321: Finding someplace to unload your Better Than Ezra CDs

492003: Saving Lois Lane for the fucking umpteenth time

Know The Difference!

"Let's Go! Vroom!" is a children's book that accompanies a set of LEGO DUPLO blocks for toddlers.
"Let's Go Bang" is the second studio album by Jennifer Love Hewitt, released in October 1995.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" comes with 12 different fun pieces to assemble.
"Let's Go Bang" has 12 tracks, including an unnecessary cover of Bread's "Baby I'm-a Want You."



"Let's Go! Vroom!" introduces children to iconic vehicles like airplanes and racecars.
"Let's Go Bang" introduced children in the 90s to really terrible dance music.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" comes with easy to follow assembly instructions.

"Let's Go Bang" never got it together. The album was met with enthusiasm by several program directors at pop radio, but with the departure of Doug Morris from Atlantic Records in 1995, the plans for promotion were canceled.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" is available for $12.99 plus shipping from the LEGO Shop.
"Let's Go Bang" is available for $0.01 plus shipping from Amazon.

"Let's Go! Vroom!" is made from BP-free colored plastic.
Jennifer Love Hewitt is all natural, baby. ;P

Goddammit, Marcia.

Dammit, Marcia. You messed up everything. EVERYTHING.

We told everyone *for weeks* that a photographer was coming by to shoot everyone for that full-page ad in "Matters" magazine for the realty group. We sent that memo. Then we sent that reminder email the week before. Then the evening of, we mentioned it again in the status meeting, and now this.

How many times did we remind everyone that men will wear a black blazer and tie, and women should wear a black blazer WITH A COLLARED WHITE SHIRT?! Jesus Henry, Marcia. You stick out like a sore thumb. I mean, we told Karen. We told Sindee. We told Wendy. We told Elaine. We told Carol. We told Jane. We told Carolee and Cathy when they went out for a smoke. We told Fran. We told Jen. We let Beverly know. We told Sharon. We told Donna about it. We told Diane. We told Lynn. We told Cynthia. We told Anne. For crying out loud, we told Erdine, too. WE EVEN TOLD YOU. BLACK BLAZER WITH WHITE COLLARED SHIRT! COLLARED! Not a white t-shirt. Not a white sweater. Not a white cardigan. Not a white scoop-necked top. A WHITE FUCKING COLLARED SHIRT, MARCIA! JESUS CHRIST!!!!!

If its individuality you were looking for, we made it very clear in the memo (which you obviously didn't read) that people were free to either wear their collar OUT of the jacket, like Sindee, Wendy, Elaine, Carol, Jane, Carolee, Cathy, Fran, Jen, Donna, Lynn, Cynthia, Anne, and Erdine all opted to do. Or you could wear your collar IN like Karen, Sharon, and Diane did. We were letting people "letting their freak flag fly" and express themselves however they wanted, but nooooo, you had to screw up the entire goddamned newspaper ad by not wearing a collared shirt AT ALL! Pardon my French, Marcia, but it's fucking anarchy. You make the rest of us look like a sad, motley crew of vagrants. Christ Jesus. Daniel is beside himself over all of this.

You know what? I can't even be here in this break room with you, Marcia. I can't even look at you. I have to go.

And status meeting's at 4 now, not 3:30.

What I'm Thinking As I'm Riding With A Guy On A Motorcycle

• Is this gay?

• This isn't gay. Straight guys do this all the time.

• Am I holding onto him too tight?

• Am I not holding onto him tight enough?

• Am I holding onto him like I'm being all homophobic about it?

• Man, he's making me hold on tighter every time he guns it.

• I think he wants me to hold on tighter, but he's not telling me.

• Is there a way I can hold on gingerly, without being homophobic?

• Hey, what if I don't hold on at all, is that okay?

• HOLY SHIT, I could have fallen just then.

• I really shouldn't move my hands up and down like that. That's kind of sensual.

• What if a hot chick sees us. That would kind of suck.

• No it wouldn't. I'm being homophobic again. If she were an enlightened, open-minded hot chick then she would see two guys– not necessarily gay– on a motorcycle. Get over yourself.

• Wow, this guy is really ripped. He must do those crossover sit-ups.

• I should have worn a shirt.

(pictured above, a submission by Matt S, who said he was bored today)

Marco! Chulo!

A January 10 entry chronicled the passive-aggressive drama between a guy named Marco and his runaway Cockapoo Chulo.

It's two months later, and I noticed that the flyer isn't up anymore.


Has the tiff between Marco and Chulo been resolved?
Did Chulo run away for good?
Has Marco learned that his snide scolding will only push away his cockapoo?
Did someone get the reward money?
Should Tom call the number for another disastrous investigation?

Let's Exclude the EADJ Mail Sack From All Our Inside Jokes, So That It Stops Hanging Out With Us!

Submitted by Vince, "a slightly plumper, more gay version of pewter bear:"



What do you think of that, Pewter Bear?


Damn right it's mean-spirited, you shitnosed fucksack!